I have been working like a dog - that is if a dog got paid to sit and read a book all day. I've been on summer vacation now for a week, and I've hardly even gotten to sleep late!! It's sad, isn't it? I know that you really, really pity me and you should. I can't even remember when Judge Judy comes on. Depressing.
You see, I'm working so hard to pay off my debt, I've hardly time to do anything else. And whilst my summer lifeguarding job includes a lot of sitting, working on my tan, wearing next to nothing all day, and occasionally reading a book, I still have to go. That's the sad part. Maybe I'll feel differently when I get my first paycheck, but probably not.
So, just remember, while your working at your office desk in the air conditioning, I'm probably sitting out in the sun, by the pool, in my bathing suit, quite possibly reading a book...oh...and getting paid to do it.
Don't be ashamed to drop a tear.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Sunday, June 08, 2008
The End of the School Year and Possibly the End of My Life
Well, I made it through another school year. However, unlike last year, I'm still working. *sigh* You heard right. No People's Court for me. I have to pay off the unreasonable amount of debt I've racked up by being a mad spinster. Who knew it was so expensive to be both a spinster and mad?!! Someone should have told me before I signed up for mad spinsterism.
Now on to somethings I'd like to complain about:
1. If one more person tells me that I think too much, I'm going stab them in the eye with a ball point pen. Did Aristotle think too much?!! What about Einstein?!! That's what I thought. Keep your mouth shut, flunkie.
2. I have a boyfriend now and while most of the time it's pretty great, sometimes it really sucks. Today just happens to be one of those days. *sigh* I mean, I hate to be that girl...you know...the one who's always like, "You don't DESERVE me!!! With everything I've DONE for you, and this is the THANKS I get!! Screw YOU! [Dramatic exit]" because nobody likes that girl. But, sometimes....
3. My dog's breath stinks like something crawled up inside of it and died. I really wish he could brush his own teeth.
4. I have a bunch of laundry that needs to be folded and put up. Any volunteers?? Be by my house around 2pm tomorrow. I'll leave a key under the mat. Thanks!!!
And that's it. For now. That is, if anyone is even still reading this blog, which they probably aren't and that's ok, because it's been in a coma for 4 months. But, I'll read it. And anyway, I'm my biggest fan.
Now on to somethings I'd like to complain about:
1. If one more person tells me that I think too much, I'm going stab them in the eye with a ball point pen. Did Aristotle think too much?!! What about Einstein?!! That's what I thought. Keep your mouth shut, flunkie.
2. I have a boyfriend now and while most of the time it's pretty great, sometimes it really sucks. Today just happens to be one of those days. *sigh* I mean, I hate to be that girl...you know...the one who's always like, "You don't DESERVE me!!! With everything I've DONE for you, and this is the THANKS I get!! Screw YOU! [Dramatic exit]" because nobody likes that girl. But, sometimes....
3. My dog's breath stinks like something crawled up inside of it and died. I really wish he could brush his own teeth.
4. I have a bunch of laundry that needs to be folded and put up. Any volunteers?? Be by my house around 2pm tomorrow. I'll leave a key under the mat. Thanks!!!
And that's it. For now. That is, if anyone is even still reading this blog, which they probably aren't and that's ok, because it's been in a coma for 4 months. But, I'll read it. And anyway, I'm my biggest fan.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Legitimate Research
There are lots of fantastic reasons to live in El Barrio. For instance, my condo was phenomenally cheap and I'm sure that the rent is equally as cheap. I live a block from a grocery store called, "Fiesta," and trust me, if you've never been to a "Fiesta" you'll want to do all you can to find one and become a regular patron! Everyday at "Fiesta" is a fiesta, and I'm putting it lightly. Other places of interest are my alley way, which is always bustling with festive tejano music and various types of business transactions, Red Coleman's Red-E-Mart, Yin's Wok, the car wash, the park next door, and J's Food Mart. All of these places offer a variety of products which one always has a use for AND possess a fascinating clientel. But none of these appealing features can surpass the one alluring element that was the reason I moved to El Barrio in the first place: Mexican tacos.
There are so many authentic Mexican taco stands in my neighborhood, it makes my mouth water everytime I drive home. And they're all so cheap! On the high end, they cost $1.35 a taco. That's $1.35 for pure heaven. They're served just like they are in Mexico with lime, cilantro, homemade salsa in fresh corn tortillas. But, which one is the best? This mystery has plagued me ever since I moved to El Barrio. And finally, this past Saturday, with a spirit of determination, my man, my neighbor and I set out to find the best taco of El Barrio.
It was a lot harder than you might think! We had to eat until we were stuffed. So many tacos...but we forged ahead...braving the possibility of our stomachs exploding. It was tough, but with careful consideration we decided unanimously that the best tacos in El Barrio were surprisingly from the gas station, Red Coleman's Red-E-Mart, as it were. Better than Fiesta, although Fiesta has tacos for only $1 a taco, and better than Tacos y Mas! (I know. With a name like Tacos y Mas, you'd think that they'd be fantastic.) But the best part of all of this, is the peace of mind that comes with being sure of my favorite taco. I mean, even though they cost about a dollar, I still want the best money can buy.
So the next time you're rollin' through El Barrio, see for yourself. You won't be dissapointed. And remember, if you have any other needs (bootleg DVDs, illegal substances, or loud tejano music) my alley way is just around the corner.
I bet your neighborhood doesn't even offer half as much.
There are so many authentic Mexican taco stands in my neighborhood, it makes my mouth water everytime I drive home. And they're all so cheap! On the high end, they cost $1.35 a taco. That's $1.35 for pure heaven. They're served just like they are in Mexico with lime, cilantro, homemade salsa in fresh corn tortillas. But, which one is the best? This mystery has plagued me ever since I moved to El Barrio. And finally, this past Saturday, with a spirit of determination, my man, my neighbor and I set out to find the best taco of El Barrio.
It was a lot harder than you might think! We had to eat until we were stuffed. So many tacos...but we forged ahead...braving the possibility of our stomachs exploding. It was tough, but with careful consideration we decided unanimously that the best tacos in El Barrio were surprisingly from the gas station, Red Coleman's Red-E-Mart, as it were. Better than Fiesta, although Fiesta has tacos for only $1 a taco, and better than Tacos y Mas! (I know. With a name like Tacos y Mas, you'd think that they'd be fantastic.) But the best part of all of this, is the peace of mind that comes with being sure of my favorite taco. I mean, even though they cost about a dollar, I still want the best money can buy.
So the next time you're rollin' through El Barrio, see for yourself. You won't be dissapointed. And remember, if you have any other needs (bootleg DVDs, illegal substances, or loud tejano music) my alley way is just around the corner.
I bet your neighborhood doesn't even offer half as much.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Why Your Life Is Better Than Mine
Malaise. A malaise has crept into my eyeballs, probably a remnant of the pink eye I got a couple of weeks ago.
I know what you're thinking: "Eww. Pink eye. Only dirty people get pink eye." I oft have thought the exact same thing. But heed my warning, this line of thinking will only lead to your demise! Especially if you work with small children.
An additional reason for my malady is the weather. It's still cold. I'm so, so tired of the cold weather.
*sigh* *heavy sigh* *heavy, heavy sigh*
Shouldn't we all be hibernating during the cold weather??! Having to function in the cold is unnatural.
I don't know how people stand sub-zero temperatures without faking a 5 month coma...wait a minute...I wonder if I could do that...fake a coma...
I think I could fake a coma. I mean, I do have a theatre degree. So, how hard can it be? Just don't ever open your eyes when other people are around. Or maybe even have a series of several comas...where I am "comatose" for several days, then wake up to watch Judge Judy, then go back to sleep when doctors start talking about physical therapy and doing anything besides getting up to go to the bathroom. If I was convicing enough I'm sure no one would catch on.
Besides, I'm already sleepy. I think I'll get right on that. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for several days. Being in a "coma" is very consuming and I can only be expected to do so much.
I know what you're thinking: "Eww. Pink eye. Only dirty people get pink eye." I oft have thought the exact same thing. But heed my warning, this line of thinking will only lead to your demise! Especially if you work with small children.
An additional reason for my malady is the weather. It's still cold. I'm so, so tired of the cold weather.
*sigh* *heavy sigh* *heavy, heavy sigh*
Shouldn't we all be hibernating during the cold weather??! Having to function in the cold is unnatural.
I don't know how people stand sub-zero temperatures without faking a 5 month coma...wait a minute...I wonder if I could do that...fake a coma...
I think I could fake a coma. I mean, I do have a theatre degree. So, how hard can it be? Just don't ever open your eyes when other people are around. Or maybe even have a series of several comas...where I am "comatose" for several days, then wake up to watch Judge Judy, then go back to sleep when doctors start talking about physical therapy and doing anything besides getting up to go to the bathroom. If I was convicing enough I'm sure no one would catch on.
Besides, I'm already sleepy. I think I'll get right on that. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for several days. Being in a "coma" is very consuming and I can only be expected to do so much.
Friday, February 01, 2008
okay...listen...we need to keep our voices down...
...because I'm blogging at work....and I don't want to draw attention to it just in case they take it away again...because they seem to like to take blogging at work away from me A LOT. They're meanies. Maybe this time they won't notice and I can blog forever and ever and ever at work, instead of, you know, actually working. I love not actually working.
So what's going on guys? Are you at work? Aren't you glad it's Friday? I know I am!
I don't have a whole lot to say...however, it's still the season of Kristenmans, so please don't stop thinking about me...you know, in the spirit of the season.
So what's going on guys? Are you at work? Aren't you glad it's Friday? I know I am!
I don't have a whole lot to say...however, it's still the season of Kristenmans, so please don't stop thinking about me...you know, in the spirit of the season.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Merry Kristenmas!!
Today's my birthday. Because my parents are clearly crazy (I didn't get this way all by myself), my mother made up a holiday just for me!! What fun! Funny AND narcissistic! So, below, you'll find an explanation of the sacred holiday of Kristenmas. (And by the way, just because the name of the holiday is Kristenmas, it doesn't necessarily mean that my name is Kristen. You can still call me Queen. Kristen is my saint's name.)
"We are entering the season of Kristenmas (from the Spanish: more Kristen of the celebration of Kristen). For those of you who feel like FestivasfortheRestofUs has become too commercialized and exploited, I encourage yo to focus on Kristenmas. This celebration has its origin in 1980, in the United States when Queen, III was born. Silver, crochet, scented powders, lotions and U.S. Savings Bonds were among the first gifts to celebrate this occasion. Since that time the celebration has grown, until now it is celebrated by people worldwide and gifts have become more elaborate.
"Kristenmas actually occurs on January 29, but the days preceding and following are included in most cultures; however, the time frame varies country by country. In the United States, the celebrations begins January 25 and ends January 31 (the seven days of Kristenmas); however, in some African and Asian countries, the season of Kristenmas begins the 3rd Sunday after the winter solstice and continues through February 5. Most European and South American countries follow the same time period as the U.S.
"Activities surrounding Kristenmas include gatherings of families and friends, which include a variety of delicious foods; giving gifts to Kristen; watching and listening to Kristen perform; public readings of Kristen's written works; dancing; and buying large quantities of her artwork.
"Kristenmas is a time for us to withdraw form our many daily distractions and turn our attention to Kristen. It is a time for us to refrain from spending money on ourselves so that we can give gifts to Kristen. Some of the gifts that people find the most fulfillment in giving include items from Tiffany's, Neiman Marcus and Victoria's Secret; Cheesecake Factory gift cards; and environmentally friendly automobiles. If one cannot afford items this costly, it is suggested that one join with several others to give a significant gift rather than giving less meaningful items such as shot glasses.
"Kristenmas is a time to reflect on what life was like B.K. (before Kristen) and A.K.A. (after Kristen's arrival). I encourage you, this year, to take time out of your busy schedule and truly celebrate Kristenmas. Set aside time during this seven-day season to think about Kristen and you will find that the months following will be filled with thoughts of. . . Kristen."
See? Crazy is our last name.
"We are entering the season of Kristenmas (from the Spanish: more Kristen of the celebration of Kristen). For those of you who feel like FestivasfortheRestofUs has become too commercialized and exploited, I encourage yo to focus on Kristenmas. This celebration has its origin in 1980, in the United States when Queen, III was born. Silver, crochet, scented powders, lotions and U.S. Savings Bonds were among the first gifts to celebrate this occasion. Since that time the celebration has grown, until now it is celebrated by people worldwide and gifts have become more elaborate.
"Kristenmas actually occurs on January 29, but the days preceding and following are included in most cultures; however, the time frame varies country by country. In the United States, the celebrations begins January 25 and ends January 31 (the seven days of Kristenmas); however, in some African and Asian countries, the season of Kristenmas begins the 3rd Sunday after the winter solstice and continues through February 5. Most European and South American countries follow the same time period as the U.S.
"Activities surrounding Kristenmas include gatherings of families and friends, which include a variety of delicious foods; giving gifts to Kristen; watching and listening to Kristen perform; public readings of Kristen's written works; dancing; and buying large quantities of her artwork.
"Kristenmas is a time for us to withdraw form our many daily distractions and turn our attention to Kristen. It is a time for us to refrain from spending money on ourselves so that we can give gifts to Kristen. Some of the gifts that people find the most fulfillment in giving include items from Tiffany's, Neiman Marcus and Victoria's Secret; Cheesecake Factory gift cards; and environmentally friendly automobiles. If one cannot afford items this costly, it is suggested that one join with several others to give a significant gift rather than giving less meaningful items such as shot glasses.
"Kristenmas is a time to reflect on what life was like B.K. (before Kristen) and A.K.A. (after Kristen's arrival). I encourage you, this year, to take time out of your busy schedule and truly celebrate Kristenmas. Set aside time during this seven-day season to think about Kristen and you will find that the months following will be filled with thoughts of. . . Kristen."
See? Crazy is our last name.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Why So Much Food Miss Queen??
Today I ran into a couple of my 4th grade students in the grocery store. They saw me and came running up to me: "Miss Queen!! Miss Queen!! What are you doing?!"
How sweet. I love it when I see students outside of school. I was standing in line waiting to buy my groceries. Keep in mind that I haven't been to the grocery store in a month, so my basket was FULL. The boys ran off to catch up with their dad and I continued to stand in line. Apparently, I was in a slow line, because I was almost up to the moving belt, the boys hollered at me again. They were in the next line over.
"Hey, Miss Queen, are all those groceries for YOU?!!!"
"Yes, they are. Do you think it's a lot?"
"Yeah. That's a lot of groceries! They're really just for you?!"
"Yep."
"Are you sure you don't have a baby or sumthin?!"
Needless to say, I laughed and blushed, because it was both a funny thing to say and struck a tiny nerve with me, since I am the fattest memeber of my family and I do eat a lot.
"Miss Queen, why is your face turning so red??!!"
*sigh* It's hard to catch a break. I must have been heavily affected by their comments, because not two hours later, I went and bought a pair of jeans that are a size too small. I figured they would give me something to aspire to. Or stuff myself into. We shall see, won't we?!
I'm going to try not to eat all my groceries in one night, but it's hard to predict the future. I've already had 1/3 of a pizza.
Just pray I don't eat so much my stomach explodes.
How sweet. I love it when I see students outside of school. I was standing in line waiting to buy my groceries. Keep in mind that I haven't been to the grocery store in a month, so my basket was FULL. The boys ran off to catch up with their dad and I continued to stand in line. Apparently, I was in a slow line, because I was almost up to the moving belt, the boys hollered at me again. They were in the next line over.
"Hey, Miss Queen, are all those groceries for YOU?!!!"
"Yes, they are. Do you think it's a lot?"
"Yeah. That's a lot of groceries! They're really just for you?!"
"Yep."
"Are you sure you don't have a baby or sumthin?!"
Needless to say, I laughed and blushed, because it was both a funny thing to say and struck a tiny nerve with me, since I am the fattest memeber of my family and I do eat a lot.
"Miss Queen, why is your face turning so red??!!"
*sigh* It's hard to catch a break. I must have been heavily affected by their comments, because not two hours later, I went and bought a pair of jeans that are a size too small. I figured they would give me something to aspire to. Or stuff myself into. We shall see, won't we?!
I'm going to try not to eat all my groceries in one night, but it's hard to predict the future. I've already had 1/3 of a pizza.
Just pray I don't eat so much my stomach explodes.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Did I Die?
No. I'm not dead. Just really, extraordinarily exhausted. The last two months of 2007 were ridiculous and it was all my fault. Also, I still can't blog at work.
I realize that all two of readers probably don't even read my blog anymore. I know that I wouldn't. In fact I don't. I haven't read my blog in two and a half months. Nor I have written anything. I'm surprised I still know how to write.
So, just in case anybody cares, although I doubt anyone does, here's an update: my man is still not in jail; I'm still doing hott yoga; I still have to wake up way too early; and it's still not summertime. But, all in all, things are pretty good.
Christmastime was mediocre. We had another White Elephant Crapchange and my Mamaw's house. I can't even remember what I got, but I'm pretty sure it was so crappy I threw it away. I mean, I think that I'd rather have gotten a can of green beans. At least I could have used that.
Spending time with my family was great, but I got soooo fat. Turns out, that I'm the heaviest member of my immediate family. It's amazing I have any self-esteem at all. I mean, all the members of my immediate family are emaciated, but that's not the point. I'm fatter than my dad AND my brother!!!! It hasn't kept me from eating, though. Apparently, I want to be morbidly obese. I've heard it's good to have goals.
I realize that all two of readers probably don't even read my blog anymore. I know that I wouldn't. In fact I don't. I haven't read my blog in two and a half months. Nor I have written anything. I'm surprised I still know how to write.
So, just in case anybody cares, although I doubt anyone does, here's an update: my man is still not in jail; I'm still doing hott yoga; I still have to wake up way too early; and it's still not summertime. But, all in all, things are pretty good.
Christmastime was mediocre. We had another White Elephant Crapchange and my Mamaw's house. I can't even remember what I got, but I'm pretty sure it was so crappy I threw it away. I mean, I think that I'd rather have gotten a can of green beans. At least I could have used that.
Spending time with my family was great, but I got soooo fat. Turns out, that I'm the heaviest member of my immediate family. It's amazing I have any self-esteem at all. I mean, all the members of my immediate family are emaciated, but that's not the point. I'm fatter than my dad AND my brother!!!! It hasn't kept me from eating, though. Apparently, I want to be morbidly obese. I've heard it's good to have goals.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Advantages to Your Man Being OUT of Jail
Guys. I know hearing me complain is so much more interesting than hearing me say things that are nice. Or at least, I like complaining a lot more than I do being kindly. I realize that makes me a bad person, but whatev.
So this weekend, my man was all, "Gee. I sure wish you had TV." And I was all, "I KNOW!" And he was all, "Why don't we walk on over to the Family Dollar and get you an antenna?" And I was like, "An a-what-a?"
Turns out the thing that magically grabs channels out of the air is called an antenna!
So, we walked across the street to the Family Dollar and bought it. It cost $6. And I have 6 channels. That's 6 channels closer to heaven.
God bless my man for being so useful. And God bless me for being so pretty. And witty. And gay.
Amen.
So this weekend, my man was all, "Gee. I sure wish you had TV." And I was all, "I KNOW!" And he was all, "Why don't we walk on over to the Family Dollar and get you an antenna?" And I was like, "An a-what-a?"
Turns out the thing that magically grabs channels out of the air is called an antenna!
So, we walked across the street to the Family Dollar and bought it. It cost $6. And I have 6 channels. That's 6 channels closer to heaven.
God bless my man for being so useful. And God bless me for being so pretty. And witty. And gay.
Amen.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Advantages to Your Man Being in Jail
Please don't misunderstand me! I don't want my man to go back to jail. I don't. It's just that, well, when he was in jail, there wasn't much time to be irritated with each other.
Here's the thing: generally speaking, my man is fantastic. He's sensitive, beautiful, strong, can pick me up without grunting, he likes my dog, etc., etc. But it doesn't matter how wonderful your man is, he's a man. And as long as he's a man, he will do things that are inexplicable and irritating. That's what men do. Which brings me to my point: there are certain advantages to your man being in jail.
Firstly, you always know where your man is. This is a HUGE advantage. Because, once your man is out of jail, you have to wonder where he is and what he is doing. And while you may not spend a lot of time wondering where he is and what he is doing when he is out of jail, when he's in jail, you spend NO time wondering. It's kind of nice.
Secondly, he never loves you as much as when he's in jail. Whilst your man is in jail, he is emotional. Jail is difficult (so I've been told). And any little thing you do for him is greatly appreciated. I like being appreciated. I especially like being greatly appreciated.
Thridly, you don't have to invest a lot of time. The most time you could possibly spend on your man when he's in jail is one 15 minute phone call per day and three 30 minute visitations per week. That's it!!! The rest of the time you can spend on yourself!!
Now I realize that I'm sounding a bit selfish, but isn't that what every girl wants??? A man who adores her, but who takes up relatively little of her time???? Isn't it??
Well, that's all over now. Please, please don't get me wrong. I like being able to actually touch my man, instead of having to look at him through glass. I like that he can buy me dinner and go to the movies with me. All of that is great!! But there is a certain amount of security that goes with having your man behind bars, and for me, that's gone now. However, dear reader, it's not over for you!!
Go find yourself a man (or woman) in jail!!! And then, tell me about it, so I can live vicariously through you!! Thanks in advance!
-Queen
Here's the thing: generally speaking, my man is fantastic. He's sensitive, beautiful, strong, can pick me up without grunting, he likes my dog, etc., etc. But it doesn't matter how wonderful your man is, he's a man. And as long as he's a man, he will do things that are inexplicable and irritating. That's what men do. Which brings me to my point: there are certain advantages to your man being in jail.
Firstly, you always know where your man is. This is a HUGE advantage. Because, once your man is out of jail, you have to wonder where he is and what he is doing. And while you may not spend a lot of time wondering where he is and what he is doing when he is out of jail, when he's in jail, you spend NO time wondering. It's kind of nice.
Secondly, he never loves you as much as when he's in jail. Whilst your man is in jail, he is emotional. Jail is difficult (so I've been told). And any little thing you do for him is greatly appreciated. I like being appreciated. I especially like being greatly appreciated.
Thridly, you don't have to invest a lot of time. The most time you could possibly spend on your man when he's in jail is one 15 minute phone call per day and three 30 minute visitations per week. That's it!!! The rest of the time you can spend on yourself!!
Now I realize that I'm sounding a bit selfish, but isn't that what every girl wants??? A man who adores her, but who takes up relatively little of her time???? Isn't it??
Well, that's all over now. Please, please don't get me wrong. I like being able to actually touch my man, instead of having to look at him through glass. I like that he can buy me dinner and go to the movies with me. All of that is great!! But there is a certain amount of security that goes with having your man behind bars, and for me, that's gone now. However, dear reader, it's not over for you!!
Go find yourself a man (or woman) in jail!!! And then, tell me about it, so I can live vicariously through you!! Thanks in advance!
-Queen
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A Tragedy of Greek Proportions (but a lot less boring)
Presumably, anyway.
Listen, I don't have TV. I don't have any channels!!! All I can watch is DVDs and/or VHS tapes.
I'm serious.
*SIGH*********
This is just the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in all my life. I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR CABLE! I'm just too cheap. And I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for those metal things that you put on top of your TV that grab channels out of the air. I've been seriously contemplating heading out to the alleyway and trying to "give" myself some "complementary" cable. (The cable box is in the alleyway. I don't want to cause any confusion, because there are also crack heads and real-life prostitutes in the alleyway.) Anynoodle, I just want to die all the time.
What is life without TV, I ask you????? WHAT IS IT???!!!! A broken-winged bird that cannot fly. That's what it is. It's Oedipus, wandering in the forest with his eyeballs poked out. It's Thomas Hardy, alive and well, writing the sequel to Jude the Obscure.
I long and weep for TV every evening. And whilst I do indeed love Arrested Development with all my heart, how many times can I watch the DVDs before it gets sad and a bit depressing?? How many??!!
I think I will venture out into that alleyway! Wish me luck, blogosphere! Who knows, if I stay out there long enough, I may even make a few extra bucks!
Just kidding.
Maybe.
Listen, I don't have TV. I don't have any channels!!! All I can watch is DVDs and/or VHS tapes.
I'm serious.
*SIGH*********
This is just the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in all my life. I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR CABLE! I'm just too cheap. And I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for those metal things that you put on top of your TV that grab channels out of the air. I've been seriously contemplating heading out to the alleyway and trying to "give" myself some "complementary" cable. (The cable box is in the alleyway. I don't want to cause any confusion, because there are also crack heads and real-life prostitutes in the alleyway.) Anynoodle, I just want to die all the time.
What is life without TV, I ask you????? WHAT IS IT???!!!! A broken-winged bird that cannot fly. That's what it is. It's Oedipus, wandering in the forest with his eyeballs poked out. It's Thomas Hardy, alive and well, writing the sequel to Jude the Obscure.
I long and weep for TV every evening. And whilst I do indeed love Arrested Development with all my heart, how many times can I watch the DVDs before it gets sad and a bit depressing?? How many??!!
I think I will venture out into that alleyway! Wish me luck, blogosphere! Who knows, if I stay out there long enough, I may even make a few extra bucks!
Just kidding.
Maybe.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Once Upon a Mattress...
Maybe guys really are from Venus and girls really are from Mars or vice versa or whatever. Because, upon recent reflection, I can't tell you how many times I have put two (or more) guys in awkward situations that they actually stayed in.
Possibly I'm not making myself clear:
There has been more than one occasion where I "accidentally" double booked a date. Both guys showed up and both guys (or more) stayed. Bizarre, no??
Now, if I ever showed up to a guy's place for a date, only to find a cute little number planted on his couch, I'd be out the door as fast as I could turn on my stilettos!
The first time I ever committed such a horrid dating crime, I was in college. Both guys showed up at my apartment and both guys stayed. We all ended up smokin' some reefer and things get a little fuzzy from there...
However, isn't it strange that they both stayed???!!!! Why were they not mad at me??? Why didn't they call me ugly names to my face and then storm out dramatically????!! That's what I would have done!!!
Another time (and this is all I'll be confessing to today), I was out with one guy at a bar/club. Whilst there with Guy A, I call Guy B to come along and hang out with us. Because the situation was fairly casual, I thought it would be no big deal. But between the time I called Guy B and his arrival, I got myself pretty sloshed. Mostly, I ignored both Guy A and Guy B while I went and danced with/gave my number out to other guys. Then, at the end of the night, I made it fairly clear that I wanted Guy A to "escort" me home and not Guy B. Here's where it gets fascinating: Guy B still called me the next day! As if he wasn't bothered a bit by my complete lack of etiquette!!
I say all this to say, while indeed I am frequently very badly behaved, it is only because you men let me get away with it!! Shame on you for not making me feel guilty! Shame on you for continuing to call me even after I've mistreated you so wretchedly! Grow a pair, call me ugly names to my face, and slam the door dramatically once or twice!! What is wrong with you??! I'm no Pamela Anderson. I can't really be worth all the trouble, can I?
*sigh* I probably am worth the trouble. Oh well. I guess I'll just keep on with my wild ways until one day a man comes along with the strength to slam a door dramatically in my face. And when that day comes, I'm gonna open that slammed door, tackle him to the ground, and marry him. Whether he likes it or not.
Possibly I'm not making myself clear:
There has been more than one occasion where I "accidentally" double booked a date. Both guys showed up and both guys (or more) stayed. Bizarre, no??
Now, if I ever showed up to a guy's place for a date, only to find a cute little number planted on his couch, I'd be out the door as fast as I could turn on my stilettos!
The first time I ever committed such a horrid dating crime, I was in college. Both guys showed up at my apartment and both guys stayed. We all ended up smokin' some reefer and things get a little fuzzy from there...
However, isn't it strange that they both stayed???!!!! Why were they not mad at me??? Why didn't they call me ugly names to my face and then storm out dramatically????!! That's what I would have done!!!
Another time (and this is all I'll be confessing to today), I was out with one guy at a bar/club. Whilst there with Guy A, I call Guy B to come along and hang out with us. Because the situation was fairly casual, I thought it would be no big deal. But between the time I called Guy B and his arrival, I got myself pretty sloshed. Mostly, I ignored both Guy A and Guy B while I went and danced with/gave my number out to other guys. Then, at the end of the night, I made it fairly clear that I wanted Guy A to "escort" me home and not Guy B. Here's where it gets fascinating: Guy B still called me the next day! As if he wasn't bothered a bit by my complete lack of etiquette!!
I say all this to say, while indeed I am frequently very badly behaved, it is only because you men let me get away with it!! Shame on you for not making me feel guilty! Shame on you for continuing to call me even after I've mistreated you so wretchedly! Grow a pair, call me ugly names to my face, and slam the door dramatically once or twice!! What is wrong with you??! I'm no Pamela Anderson. I can't really be worth all the trouble, can I?
*sigh* I probably am worth the trouble. Oh well. I guess I'll just keep on with my wild ways until one day a man comes along with the strength to slam a door dramatically in my face. And when that day comes, I'm gonna open that slammed door, tackle him to the ground, and marry him. Whether he likes it or not.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
If It Were Fiction, I'd Have a Book Deal
There comes a time in every girl's life (in my case, hundreds of times) where she does something that she's not particularly proud of. I won't be time-specific here, because, well, I don't want any documentation...nor do I want anyone to be able to create a time-line of my shenanigans. We'll just say it was long ago and far away...fair enough? Great. Let's continue.
Soooooooooo, there are many, many times in my life when I do things that don't bring me a great sense of pride. For instance, there was a time, either recently or a long time ago, I was mad at someone(s) I was dating. To relieve myself of the frustration, I decided to out with some friends. We went to a bar where the men outnumbered the women at least 5 to 1. I began to drink alcohol...and ...
all hell broke loose.
I was the wildest woman ever in the history of all time. Drinking and dancing and dancing and drinking. Nothing could stop me!!! I was Queen of the night!! I suspect that there were many who thought that quite possibly I was a "lady" of the night as well.
Anywhoodle, there was lots of drinking and dancing and all manner of things! What fun! Caution to the wind and all that! Who needs a man?? ! I don't! No!! (Why have just one when there are soooo many??!)
I gave my number away at least twice and danced like there was no tomorrow. I nearly broke my toe during a slight stumble because of my heightened klutziness. I ripped the leather on the heel of my favorite stilettos.
And naturally, the next morning, I woke up with a magnificent headache and a fantastic sense of confusion. Because, upon reflecting, I was almost positive that at one point I was upside-down.
But, how was I upside-down??? And why?? In my memory, which by the way was fuzzy, I could see a man in a green shirt. We were dancing, and then suddenly, I was upside down!! My fuzzy memory would then fast-forward to the same green shirt handing me a phone and my fingers punching my phone number into it.
Interesting.
As the days stretched on, I became increasingly obsessed with the status of my upside-downness. There had been two unfamiliar numbers that had appeared on my phone several times. Like any reasonable girl, I ignored them, because...I mean...a guy from the bar?? Really?? That's gross. But, I couldn't let it go! I had to know: was I really upside-down?? I had to know.
I called the first number. It was awkward. Mostly because I didn't know his name, and also because I had to act like I wanted to talk to him and not just ask: "Hey, um....was I upside-down whilst dancing with you??" A hard question to ask indeed.
Long story longer... it wasn't him. *sigh* That means I had to call the other guy. Distasteful.
I decided a text message would be the easiest way to begin the conversation. Unfortunately, the other guy was quite the eager beaver. He wanted to come see me. *sigh* He did. It was gross. He stuck his tongue down my throat after I asked him not to. He had over a gallon of cologne on. He thought he was really hot and that he could woo me with very little effort. He was a fool.
However, and this is the good news, I found at that I WAS upside-down after all!!!! Turns out there's a dance move that is not unlike one of those fancy swing-dance moves, but that you can do to songs by Kanye West and Mystikal!! No fancy dance steps required! I got him to demonstrate between attempts at getting his hands up my shirt.
The bottom line is this: I solved the mystery. Now, yes, I did have to have more than one uncomfortable conversation with guys I would never go out with in a million-kajillion years, and, yes, I did have to suffer a creepy guy who had no idea he was a horrible kisser, but I solved the mystery!!!
And we all know that I've made out for less. At least this time I had an objective. I think the government should really consider using me as one of those really hot, sexy spies that slip important communists mickeys and then take pictures of important documents with an exceptionally tiny camera. I would be awesome. And at least I'd be serving my country. Instead of, you know, serving....well, do we really want to analyze that??
No, we don't.
Soooooooooo, there are many, many times in my life when I do things that don't bring me a great sense of pride. For instance, there was a time, either recently or a long time ago, I was mad at someone(s) I was dating. To relieve myself of the frustration, I decided to out with some friends. We went to a bar where the men outnumbered the women at least 5 to 1. I began to drink alcohol...and ...
all hell broke loose.
I was the wildest woman ever in the history of all time. Drinking and dancing and dancing and drinking. Nothing could stop me!!! I was Queen of the night!! I suspect that there were many who thought that quite possibly I was a "lady" of the night as well.
Anywhoodle, there was lots of drinking and dancing and all manner of things! What fun! Caution to the wind and all that! Who needs a man?? ! I don't! No!! (Why have just one when there are soooo many??!)
I gave my number away at least twice and danced like there was no tomorrow. I nearly broke my toe during a slight stumble because of my heightened klutziness. I ripped the leather on the heel of my favorite stilettos.
And naturally, the next morning, I woke up with a magnificent headache and a fantastic sense of confusion. Because, upon reflecting, I was almost positive that at one point I was upside-down.
But, how was I upside-down??? And why?? In my memory, which by the way was fuzzy, I could see a man in a green shirt. We were dancing, and then suddenly, I was upside down!! My fuzzy memory would then fast-forward to the same green shirt handing me a phone and my fingers punching my phone number into it.
Interesting.
As the days stretched on, I became increasingly obsessed with the status of my upside-downness. There had been two unfamiliar numbers that had appeared on my phone several times. Like any reasonable girl, I ignored them, because...I mean...a guy from the bar?? Really?? That's gross. But, I couldn't let it go! I had to know: was I really upside-down?? I had to know.
I called the first number. It was awkward. Mostly because I didn't know his name, and also because I had to act like I wanted to talk to him and not just ask: "Hey, um....was I upside-down whilst dancing with you??" A hard question to ask indeed.
Long story longer... it wasn't him. *sigh* That means I had to call the other guy. Distasteful.
I decided a text message would be the easiest way to begin the conversation. Unfortunately, the other guy was quite the eager beaver. He wanted to come see me. *sigh* He did. It was gross. He stuck his tongue down my throat after I asked him not to. He had over a gallon of cologne on. He thought he was really hot and that he could woo me with very little effort. He was a fool.
However, and this is the good news, I found at that I WAS upside-down after all!!!! Turns out there's a dance move that is not unlike one of those fancy swing-dance moves, but that you can do to songs by Kanye West and Mystikal!! No fancy dance steps required! I got him to demonstrate between attempts at getting his hands up my shirt.
The bottom line is this: I solved the mystery. Now, yes, I did have to have more than one uncomfortable conversation with guys I would never go out with in a million-kajillion years, and, yes, I did have to suffer a creepy guy who had no idea he was a horrible kisser, but I solved the mystery!!!
And we all know that I've made out for less. At least this time I had an objective. I think the government should really consider using me as one of those really hot, sexy spies that slip important communists mickeys and then take pictures of important documents with an exceptionally tiny camera. I would be awesome. And at least I'd be serving my country. Instead of, you know, serving....well, do we really want to analyze that??
No, we don't.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Letter to Myself from Myself, part xxo
Dear Queen the third,
*sigh* You know, I really am ashamed of how undedicated you've been to your blog as of late. The thing is, you entertain me! I love you so, so much. And I know that you can't blog at work anymore - and, really, that does suck. But, let's be serious for a minute here: how long does it honestly take to write a funny, witty, clever blog entry that I will want to read over and over again?? It's not as if you spend much time proofreading!! (Possibly, none at all.)
Additionally, your ridiculous and frivilous actions make everyone feel better about their lives, and you have not been very diligent in sharing as of late. For example, there may be people who have really crappy boyfriends who don't buy them Tiffany's as often as they should. Those people can just read an entry or two and realize, "Well, hell! At least my man isn't in jail!" and all the pain and frustration of their inadequate realationship goes away!
Or, when they have to wake up at 7:45am to get to work by 9 am, they can say to themselves, "At least I don't have to wake up at 6:30!!!"
So, you see, Queen, what you do is closely related to the work of Mother Teresa and/or the Pope. And of all the sins you commit on a daily basis, not sharing what a fool you are with everyone else is by far the biggest!!
I chastise thee, Queen, III!! No more chocolate Dr. Pepper floats for you, Missy! You're punished.
And remember, I'm only doing this because I love you.
With all the sincerety I can muster,
Queen, III
*sigh* You know, I really am ashamed of how undedicated you've been to your blog as of late. The thing is, you entertain me! I love you so, so much. And I know that you can't blog at work anymore - and, really, that does suck. But, let's be serious for a minute here: how long does it honestly take to write a funny, witty, clever blog entry that I will want to read over and over again?? It's not as if you spend much time proofreading!! (Possibly, none at all.)
Additionally, your ridiculous and frivilous actions make everyone feel better about their lives, and you have not been very diligent in sharing as of late. For example, there may be people who have really crappy boyfriends who don't buy them Tiffany's as often as they should. Those people can just read an entry or two and realize, "Well, hell! At least my man isn't in jail!" and all the pain and frustration of their inadequate realationship goes away!
Or, when they have to wake up at 7:45am to get to work by 9 am, they can say to themselves, "At least I don't have to wake up at 6:30!!!"
So, you see, Queen, what you do is closely related to the work of Mother Teresa and/or the Pope. And of all the sins you commit on a daily basis, not sharing what a fool you are with everyone else is by far the biggest!!
I chastise thee, Queen, III!! No more chocolate Dr. Pepper floats for you, Missy! You're punished.
And remember, I'm only doing this because I love you.
With all the sincerety I can muster,
Queen, III
Saturday, September 08, 2007
A Little Pity, Please
Does anybody know how early 6:30 am is?? It's so early. So, so early. Incidently, it is also the hour that I have to wake up every morning. (Besides Saturday and Sunday.) And it doesn't matter how much sleep I get either, because I always feel really crappy when that alarm goes off. To put it lightly, I am NOT a morning person.
So, I'm asking you all to feel sorry for me. Really, really sorry. Because while the rest of you were working all summer, I wasn't and I got used to doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, so you see...it's just so much harder for me!
Now, do you feel sorry for me?? My burder is SO much heavier because I only work 9 months out of the year! It's like being married to a rich man who buys you things and then he divorces you suddenly and oops! you signed a prenup! Darn the luck! But, if you had been poor the whole time, you would never know the difference, so it wouldn't be sad if you stayed poor. Don't you see?? I'm just like the woman who's rich husband dumps her for the younger bleached blonde with bigger fake boobs!! And I thought said rich man was in love with me and we would be together forever, so I signed the prenup!! The only difference is, I'll get married to another rich man next summer. But, it's still sad!!!
I imagine you're probably crying right now out of pity. Well, keep crying, honey! Cause it only gets worse! I have to work for 8 more months and 2 more weeks.
OH! And I only get 30 minutes for lunch.
So, please, oh please, cry me a river.
So, I'm asking you all to feel sorry for me. Really, really sorry. Because while the rest of you were working all summer, I wasn't and I got used to doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, so you see...it's just so much harder for me!
Now, do you feel sorry for me?? My burder is SO much heavier because I only work 9 months out of the year! It's like being married to a rich man who buys you things and then he divorces you suddenly and oops! you signed a prenup! Darn the luck! But, if you had been poor the whole time, you would never know the difference, so it wouldn't be sad if you stayed poor. Don't you see?? I'm just like the woman who's rich husband dumps her for the younger bleached blonde with bigger fake boobs!! And I thought said rich man was in love with me and we would be together forever, so I signed the prenup!! The only difference is, I'll get married to another rich man next summer. But, it's still sad!!!
I imagine you're probably crying right now out of pity. Well, keep crying, honey! Cause it only gets worse! I have to work for 8 more months and 2 more weeks.
OH! And I only get 30 minutes for lunch.
So, please, oh please, cry me a river.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Why Moving Sucks...even when your man is out of jail
Life is hard. And you'd think that now that my man is out of jail, I'd be leaping for joy every day, but alas!!! I still have boxes to unpack and my bedroom still hasn't been painted. I was going to paint it today, but I decided to take a nap. I'm very ambitious.
And now that I have my very own home, I don't get free local channels via the complex dish - oh no! I don't even have ANY TV!!! I'm so depressed, it's hard for me to get up in the morning.
I have a mexican blanket covering my sliding glass door because I haven't had time to go get curtains. Why haven't I had time??
Oh, well between, helping my brother find a very expensive hole in the wall to live in whilst attending UCLA, actually starting to work again, and tending to my-man-out-of-jail, house-fixing-up time has been hard to come by.
And on that note, remember how I briefly mentioned a couple of posts ago that there were some advantages to your man being in jail?? One of those advantages is that you have lots of time to yourself. Now, please, please don't get me wrong...I'd never want him to go back...but tending to your man takes a lot of time. As it turns out, men have needs! Who knew?!
Anywhoodle, now that school's about to be back in session, I'll do my darndest to be way more dedicated to you all and give you lots of stories about my elementary school teaching mishaps. Can you hardly wait?
And now that I have my very own home, I don't get free local channels via the complex dish - oh no! I don't even have ANY TV!!! I'm so depressed, it's hard for me to get up in the morning.
I have a mexican blanket covering my sliding glass door because I haven't had time to go get curtains. Why haven't I had time??
Oh, well between, helping my brother find a very expensive hole in the wall to live in whilst attending UCLA, actually starting to work again, and tending to my-man-out-of-jail, house-fixing-up time has been hard to come by.
And on that note, remember how I briefly mentioned a couple of posts ago that there were some advantages to your man being in jail?? One of those advantages is that you have lots of time to yourself. Now, please, please don't get me wrong...I'd never want him to go back...but tending to your man takes a lot of time. As it turns out, men have needs! Who knew?!
Anywhoodle, now that school's about to be back in session, I'll do my darndest to be way more dedicated to you all and give you lots of stories about my elementary school teaching mishaps. Can you hardly wait?
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
This ALWAYS Happens!!
So, I've been spending the whole summer lying around on my big, fat rear and now, all of a sudden, I'm so overwhelmed, I wish I could assume the fetal position for about 3 months.
You see, until early Tuesday morning, I was moving into a new condo (which I purchased all by my fabulous self). I was up until 1 am. At 4 am, my brother and I left to fly to L.A. so that I can help him find a place to live up here whilst he attends UCLA. We thought that we could just come here and take public transit everywhere like you do in New York....but we were WAY off. Also, we're staying in Venice Beach and the hostel we're sleeping in reminds me a lot of the "Happiness Hotel" in The Muppets Take Manhattan. Seriously.
I'll be back soon, so do not fret! Oh, and did I mention that my man is out of jail?? For reals! I'll have lots to tell....very, very soon. And you can take that to the bank! (But not my bank, because there's no money in my account. Try Forky's.)
All my love,
Queen III
You see, until early Tuesday morning, I was moving into a new condo (which I purchased all by my fabulous self). I was up until 1 am. At 4 am, my brother and I left to fly to L.A. so that I can help him find a place to live up here whilst he attends UCLA. We thought that we could just come here and take public transit everywhere like you do in New York....but we were WAY off. Also, we're staying in Venice Beach and the hostel we're sleeping in reminds me a lot of the "Happiness Hotel" in The Muppets Take Manhattan. Seriously.
I'll be back soon, so do not fret! Oh, and did I mention that my man is out of jail?? For reals! I'll have lots to tell....very, very soon. And you can take that to the bank! (But not my bank, because there's no money in my account. Try Forky's.)
All my love,
Queen III
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Not as Much Excitement, but Boring Nonetheless
There's been no tree climbing nor have I consumed an entire bottle of wine in the past few days, but I have slept A LOT. How's that for adventure?? Really, though, if you knew about some of the crazy dreams I have on a regular basis, you'd realize how brave I really am.
But besides sleeping, I've also been filling my time with some fairly productive activity. For instance, I've been taking a metal sculpting class and OMG. I am awesome at it. Last night, my teacher was all, "Queen's kicking the boys' butts!" And he wasn't lying. I was kicking everyone's butts. (The class is all boys, except for me. And by boys, I mean grown men.)
Then, I decided that I should probably do some stone sculpting as well. I'm also awesome at that.
Now, I know that you're all pretty impressed and intimidated by my mad skills, however I have to confess that all of the aforementioned activity takes about 6 hours every week.
I sleep about 8 - 12 hours a day. I watch the People's Court everyday. And that makes up for the majority of my time. It's sad, isn't it? I have 3 months off every year and I spend the majority of it sleeping.
I have 3 more weeks of summer. I pray to Zeus that I'll be able to wake up.
But besides sleeping, I've also been filling my time with some fairly productive activity. For instance, I've been taking a metal sculpting class and OMG. I am awesome at it. Last night, my teacher was all, "Queen's kicking the boys' butts!" And he wasn't lying. I was kicking everyone's butts. (The class is all boys, except for me. And by boys, I mean grown men.)
Then, I decided that I should probably do some stone sculpting as well. I'm also awesome at that.
Now, I know that you're all pretty impressed and intimidated by my mad skills, however I have to confess that all of the aforementioned activity takes about 6 hours every week.
I sleep about 8 - 12 hours a day. I watch the People's Court everyday. And that makes up for the majority of my time. It's sad, isn't it? I have 3 months off every year and I spend the majority of it sleeping.
I have 3 more weeks of summer. I pray to Zeus that I'll be able to wake up.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
What I've Been Up To...No Exaggerations
According to Forky, all 3 of my faithful readers are worried because I've been so tardy in updating my blog. Thanks for worrying, by the way. It makes me feel loved.
But, seriously, what have I been up to?? And that's a good question. I'd be lying if I said I've been filling my summer vacation days with productive, healthy activity. I mean, this week I've done much better so far, but last week....
Last week was...well, to put it lightly, indulgent.
Monday night a friend came over and we decided it would be a good idea to drink some alcohol. I'm sure most of you can relate to this, because oft times, when you're sober, alcohol does seem like a good idea. *sigh*
Betwixt the two of us, 2 bottles of wine were consumed, plus 4 shots of Vodka, 1 beer, and a Whiskey Sour. I won't say who drank what, but I will say that in all of my relationships, be it a friendship or more, I believe in equality.
Suffice it to say, that I was completely out of control. I loudly explained to my friend in the bar (and trust me...EVERYONE heard) that my college shenanigans were nothing like prostitution, because I gave it away for free. Classy. THEN, on the walk back to my apartment, I reminisced about my childhood days when I was such a good tree climber. To prove my point, I climbed a tree. In downtown Everycity. Across the street from one of the fanciest hotels in town. And because of my drunken state, while the climb up was indeed fairly graceful, the climb down gave me a nasty cut on my foot and a pretty big bruise on my arm. Incidentally, I didn't even know I was bleeding until we got back to my apartment and I looked at my foot. (Dear Reader, please make a mental note here: do not climb trees whilst drunk.)
I spent ALL Tuesday recovering. So sickly was I, that for most of the day, I did not even feel like eating! (I KNOW.)
Wednesday, I had to go visit my man in jail and go to my metal sculpting class. (By the way, I'm a bad-ass at welding. Just like in Flashdance..."she's a maniac, maniac"...but for me they'd change the lyrics from "on the floor" to "in real life.")
Thursday was another day full of shameless indulgence. All I had been wanting for the past umpteen thousand days was some freakin' cheese fries. So, some friends and I went to this local burger joint that is absolutely known for their cheese fries. I ordered cheese fries almost as soon as we sat down. The waitress came back and asked us what we wanted for our meals. I told her the cheese fries were my meal. She looked at me like I was crazy. Clearly, she was a wise old sage because, as it turns out, I am crazy. It took me ALL of Friday to recover from the cheese fries binge. Let's just say, the first few hours of the day were so bad, they were quite literally painful. PAINFUL.
This week has been much better, howev. No more cheese fries or whole bottles of wine for me, no sir! It's time to look for new ways to be indulgent!
I'll let you guys know what I come up with.
But, seriously, what have I been up to?? And that's a good question. I'd be lying if I said I've been filling my summer vacation days with productive, healthy activity. I mean, this week I've done much better so far, but last week....
Last week was...well, to put it lightly, indulgent.
Monday night a friend came over and we decided it would be a good idea to drink some alcohol. I'm sure most of you can relate to this, because oft times, when you're sober, alcohol does seem like a good idea. *sigh*
Betwixt the two of us, 2 bottles of wine were consumed, plus 4 shots of Vodka, 1 beer, and a Whiskey Sour. I won't say who drank what, but I will say that in all of my relationships, be it a friendship or more, I believe in equality.
Suffice it to say, that I was completely out of control. I loudly explained to my friend in the bar (and trust me...EVERYONE heard) that my college shenanigans were nothing like prostitution, because I gave it away for free. Classy. THEN, on the walk back to my apartment, I reminisced about my childhood days when I was such a good tree climber. To prove my point, I climbed a tree. In downtown Everycity. Across the street from one of the fanciest hotels in town. And because of my drunken state, while the climb up was indeed fairly graceful, the climb down gave me a nasty cut on my foot and a pretty big bruise on my arm. Incidentally, I didn't even know I was bleeding until we got back to my apartment and I looked at my foot. (Dear Reader, please make a mental note here: do not climb trees whilst drunk.)
I spent ALL Tuesday recovering. So sickly was I, that for most of the day, I did not even feel like eating! (I KNOW.)
Wednesday, I had to go visit my man in jail and go to my metal sculpting class. (By the way, I'm a bad-ass at welding. Just like in Flashdance..."she's a maniac, maniac"...but for me they'd change the lyrics from "on the floor" to "in real life.")
Thursday was another day full of shameless indulgence. All I had been wanting for the past umpteen thousand days was some freakin' cheese fries. So, some friends and I went to this local burger joint that is absolutely known for their cheese fries. I ordered cheese fries almost as soon as we sat down. The waitress came back and asked us what we wanted for our meals. I told her the cheese fries were my meal. She looked at me like I was crazy. Clearly, she was a wise old sage because, as it turns out, I am crazy. It took me ALL of Friday to recover from the cheese fries binge. Let's just say, the first few hours of the day were so bad, they were quite literally painful. PAINFUL.
This week has been much better, howev. No more cheese fries or whole bottles of wine for me, no sir! It's time to look for new ways to be indulgent!
I'll let you guys know what I come up with.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
A letter to Myself, from Myself, part duex
Dear Queen, III,
Even though your laziness has reached an all time high, I still love you! You are just too fabulous not to love. Now it's true that most of the time you could do more with your hair, and for the love of Pete, could you put some eyeliner on every now and again??? But, despite your tendency toward couch potato-ism, you're still pretty great, and I should know.
Wasn't it great to see RHMFT today in Hott Yoga and watch his "professional trainer" a$$ get kicked?? Man, that was too fun! I'm pretty sure the delight you took in his struggles with the 34 postures of the Fire class might go against Yoga principles, but whatev. He had it comin'!
But, I really do need to get down to business here, Queen. You're turning into a lazy good-for-nothing! This is not what we intended! I realize that your man's in jail and you're confused about whether or not you should use this time to revel in your Spinsterhood, or to "stand by your man," so to speak, but your idleness is seriously ridiculous. I mean, the hours consumed by TV alone are staggering. I also realize that the incessant rain has really put a damper on your plans to get a kick-a$$ tan this summer, but for the love of Joe, just reactivate your tanning salon membership!! You see, there really is a solution to every problem!
Listen, you have 1.75 months of summer vacation left. That's plenty of time to redeem yourself! Get to it. Before you lose all your friends, Taraji emancipates himself, and you get more cellulite on you butt. And I'm only saying this because I care.
Yours always and forever,
Queen, III
Even though your laziness has reached an all time high, I still love you! You are just too fabulous not to love. Now it's true that most of the time you could do more with your hair, and for the love of Pete, could you put some eyeliner on every now and again??? But, despite your tendency toward couch potato-ism, you're still pretty great, and I should know.
Wasn't it great to see RHMFT today in Hott Yoga and watch his "professional trainer" a$$ get kicked?? Man, that was too fun! I'm pretty sure the delight you took in his struggles with the 34 postures of the Fire class might go against Yoga principles, but whatev. He had it comin'!
But, I really do need to get down to business here, Queen. You're turning into a lazy good-for-nothing! This is not what we intended! I realize that your man's in jail and you're confused about whether or not you should use this time to revel in your Spinsterhood, or to "stand by your man," so to speak, but your idleness is seriously ridiculous. I mean, the hours consumed by TV alone are staggering. I also realize that the incessant rain has really put a damper on your plans to get a kick-a$$ tan this summer, but for the love of Joe, just reactivate your tanning salon membership!! You see, there really is a solution to every problem!
Listen, you have 1.75 months of summer vacation left. That's plenty of time to redeem yourself! Get to it. Before you lose all your friends, Taraji emancipates himself, and you get more cellulite on you butt. And I'm only saying this because I care.
Yours always and forever,
Queen, III
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