Confessions

Today is the day that I spill all! Some of you may already know all of this, but some may not. However, it's just too juicy for me to hold it in!!
So here they are, listed out for you, all my dirty little secrets of the past few weeks. (There are two.)

(We all saw this one coming, I'm sure.)

1. I am increasingly obsessed with T.O. I read every article about him, scour every headline, and when the sports writers aren't constantly talking about him, I'm offended! I, of course, recognize that I have a serious problem. Celebrities are typically pretty gross people. T.O.'s no exception to the rule!! What is wrong with me?! I've even gone so far as to let myself have ridiculous fantasies about him!! Not, horribly graphic fantasies or even sinful ones...but they can't be too far away!!

(It's not sinful to want to just touch those washboard abs, is it?)

Seriously, I have a problem! When I read stories about him, I find myself thinking ridiculous things like, "He's just misunderstood" or "I don't really like Donovan McNabb anyway" or "He probably was really mistreated in Philly" or "He's so talented and everyone else is just jealous." WHAT?!!! Can you believe that I entertain such ridiculous thoughts?! What the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with me?

2. I have....wait for it...signedupforanonlinedatingservice. Did you catch all that? No? Okay. I have signed up for an online dating service. WHAT?!!! YOU DID WHAT?! I know, I know. But I was bored with all the free time I had since the breakup. I had to do SOMETHING, or I'd just mope around all day, thinking about how I, once upon a time, had a boyfriend. And, let me tell you-it has been VERY interesting! There is a wide range of men who find me interesting:

From cute and not such a loser:

To old and creepy and obviously a HUGE loser:

This might seem like a dangerous endeavor, but never fear! You don't actually HAVE to go out on a date with anyone...and if you do, you just don't let them come to your house, or give them your social security number! But so far, it's proven to be an effective way to feed myself, as most of the men so far have paid for everything...um...I mean food, of course...they've paid for all the food I've eaten!! (Geez! Even I'm not THAT skanky!) And my date book is full up! Friday I have a date to the symphony, Saturday I have a date to eat sushi, Sunday I have a date to a Mavericks game and Tuesday I have a date with an Investment Banker! Let's just hope I don't get fat!

So, there you have it, my juicy confessions. I feel so much better now!

I need a new drug

My allergy medicine is making me feel like I'm three sheets to the wind! I don't even know how I'm managing to type this post, because I feel so doped, I can barely blink my eyes without my head falling over.

I have to teach small children today and I think that any minute now, my head will come crashing to the keyboard as I fall into a drug-induced slumber/slight coma.

Me: Today class, we'll be stu...(head hits desk.)

Students: (after pausing tensly) Miss Rice? Miss Rice?!

(There is no reply. Julio gets up to try and awaken me.)

Julio: She won't get up. I guess we'll just use her cell phone to call the cute paramedics.

(Cute paramedics arrive.)

Cute paramedic 1: Miss Rice, what illegal substances have you been taking?

Me: What? No! I haven't been taking anything! Except for my allergy medicine, but that's it!! I swear! It's my allergy medicine! I passed out because of my allergy medicine. I'm very sensitive, you know. (I purse my lips, just in case he pities me in a sort of "I want to go out with you" way.)

Cute paramedic 2: We've heard it all before, Miss Rice. Book her, Danno.

Me: When the hell did Danno get here?! I thought Julio just called the cute paramedics!

Julio: I accidently dialed Hawaii 5-0 before I called 911. Sorry.

So, you see, this could get ugly - very, very ugly! I hope I sober up....uh... I mean... I hope this allergy medicine wears off soon, or I could be in for a cute, but unpleasant surprise!

Cute paramedic?

My Little Patrick

Just like in Auntie Mame, where everyone thinks that Patrick is just a phase she's going through and that she's too irresponsible to raise a child, so it is with me and the new addition to my spinsterhood, Taraji. However, I will show them all (my mother) by what an amazingly well-adjusted dog I am raising! And he's cute to boot!I think that the pictures will speak for themselves!

T.O.'s coming home to mama!

That's right. Many of you may remember my long musing about Terrell Owens just a few months ago. Many of you probably came to the same conclusion: I love him - in a very obsessive, unhealthy, unrealistic way. He is a terrible man and probably not a very good person, but I don't care. I love him, even though I know I'm only talking to myself and not to him when the night is over.

So, you can imagine my clearly obsessive emotion when, whilst opening my AOL account on Saturday, the Cowboys franchise sent me an email with the title: "T.O. now a Dallas Cowboy." My heart started beating rapidly and my breath was short. Could it be? Could it be that T.O. might be 500 steps closer to actually playing on my team?! Sure, Dallas is a big place, and sure I have no professional sports connections, and sure I have never met a Dallas Cowboy ever in my life, but a girl can dream, can't she?!

I mean, doesn't it seem just a little coincidental that I break up with my boyfriend and less than a month later, T.O. shows up? What are the odds? (Please don't tell me - I want to believe they're like 1 in a million.) I'm so happy!!

I realize that all of Dallas is a flutter becuase T.O. is so cantankerous, blah, blah, blah, but he's an excellent and very, very attractive football player and isn't that what it's really about? Assembling a team of really, really hot...uh...I mean talented players?

Oh, T.O. You've come to the right place. No one can love ya' like mama can!

Ev'rything's alright - except for Yanni

Everything's alright between me and ex-darling guy! Amazing, no?! I feel like Gwen Stefani and the drummer of No Doubt, except I'm not famous or rich...but who knows...it could happen...maybe!
A girl's gotta keep on movin' on!
Now on to more entertaining things:
Yanni was arrested for alleged domestic abuse! Who knew Yanni even had a girlfriend! I thought for sure he had to be gay! But then, maybe that's the problem.

and so it goes

It's over for me and Darling Guy. We'll be friends, though, as soon as I put the pieces of my heart back together. I'm fighting the urge to go live my life as a dairy maid and die broken-hearted on the alter of Stone Henge. Damn you, Thomas Hardy!
If you're the praying kind, pray that miraculously, we can salvage our amazing friendship and that my heart heals quickly.
Thanks!
Yours always,
Tess of the D'Ubervilles

this is me, fighting the urge to sacrifice myself to the tragic Thomas Hardy gods