Advantages to Your Man Being OUT of Jail

Guys. I know hearing me complain is so much more interesting than hearing me say things that are nice. Or at least, I like complaining a lot more than I do being kindly. I realize that makes me a bad person, but whatev.

So this weekend, my man was all, "Gee. I sure wish you had TV." And I was all, "I KNOW!" And he was all, "Why don't we walk on over to the Family Dollar and get you an antenna?" And I was like, "An a-what-a?"

Turns out the thing that magically grabs channels out of the air is called an antenna!

So, we walked across the street to the Family Dollar and bought it. It cost $6. And I have 6 channels. That's 6 channels closer to heaven.

God bless my man for being so useful. And God bless me for being so pretty. And witty. And gay.

Amen.

Advantages to Your Man Being in Jail

Please don't misunderstand me! I don't want my man to go back to jail. I don't. It's just that, well, when he was in jail, there wasn't much time to be irritated with each other.

Here's the thing: generally speaking, my man is fantastic. He's sensitive, beautiful, strong, can pick me up without grunting, he likes my dog, etc., etc. But it doesn't matter how wonderful your man is, he's a man. And as long as he's a man, he will do things that are inexplicable and irritating. That's what men do. Which brings me to my point: there are certain advantages to your man being in jail.

Firstly, you always know where your man is. This is a HUGE advantage. Because, once your man is out of jail, you have to wonder where he is and what he is doing. And while you may not spend a lot of time wondering where he is and what he is doing when he is out of jail, when he's in jail, you spend NO time wondering. It's kind of nice.

Secondly, he never loves you as much as when he's in jail. Whilst your man is in jail, he is emotional. Jail is difficult (so I've been told). And any little thing you do for him is greatly appreciated. I like being appreciated. I especially like being greatly appreciated.

Thridly, you don't have to invest a lot of time. The most time you could possibly spend on your man when he's in jail is one 15 minute phone call per day and three 30 minute visitations per week. That's it!!! The rest of the time you can spend on yourself!!

Now I realize that I'm sounding a bit selfish, but isn't that what every girl wants??? A man who adores her, but who takes up relatively little of her time???? Isn't it??

Well, that's all over now. Please, please don't get me wrong. I like being able to actually touch my man, instead of having to look at him through glass. I like that he can buy me dinner and go to the movies with me. All of that is great!! But there is a certain amount of security that goes with having your man behind bars, and for me, that's gone now. However, dear reader, it's not over for you!!

Go find yourself a man (or woman) in jail!!! And then, tell me about it, so I can live vicariously through you!! Thanks in advance!

-Queen

A Tragedy of Greek Proportions (but a lot less boring)

Presumably, anyway.

Listen, I don't have TV. I don't have any channels!!! All I can watch is DVDs and/or VHS tapes.

I'm serious.

*SIGH*********

This is just the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in all my life. I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR CABLE! I'm just too cheap. And I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for those metal things that you put on top of your TV that grab channels out of the air. I've been seriously contemplating heading out to the alleyway and trying to "give" myself some "complementary" cable. (The cable box is in the alleyway. I don't want to cause any confusion, because there are also crack heads and real-life prostitutes in the alleyway.) Anynoodle, I just want to die all the time.

What is life without TV, I ask you????? WHAT IS IT???!!!! A broken-winged bird that cannot fly. That's what it is. It's Oedipus, wandering in the forest with his eyeballs poked out. It's Thomas Hardy, alive and well, writing the sequel to Jude the Obscure.

I long and weep for TV every evening. And whilst I do indeed love Arrested Development with all my heart, how many times can I watch the DVDs before it gets sad and a bit depressing?? How many??!!

I think I will venture out into that alleyway! Wish me luck, blogosphere! Who knows, if I stay out there long enough, I may even make a few extra bucks!

Just kidding.

Maybe.

Once Upon a Mattress...

Maybe guys really are from Venus and girls really are from Mars or vice versa or whatever. Because, upon recent reflection, I can't tell you how many times I have put two (or more) guys in awkward situations that they actually stayed in.

Possibly I'm not making myself clear:

There has been more than one occasion where I "accidentally" double booked a date. Both guys showed up and both guys (or more) stayed. Bizarre, no??

Now, if I ever showed up to a guy's place for a date, only to find a cute little number planted on his couch, I'd be out the door as fast as I could turn on my stilettos!

The first time I ever committed such a horrid dating crime, I was in college. Both guys showed up at my apartment and both guys stayed. We all ended up smokin' some reefer and things get a little fuzzy from there...
However, isn't it strange that they both stayed???!!!! Why were they not mad at me??? Why didn't they call me ugly names to my face and then storm out dramatically????!! That's what I would have done!!!

Another time (and this is all I'll be confessing to today), I was out with one guy at a bar/club. Whilst there with Guy A, I call Guy B to come along and hang out with us. Because the situation was fairly casual, I thought it would be no big deal. But between the time I called Guy B and his arrival, I got myself pretty sloshed. Mostly, I ignored both Guy A and Guy B while I went and danced with/gave my number out to other guys. Then, at the end of the night, I made it fairly clear that I wanted Guy A to "escort" me home and not Guy B. Here's where it gets fascinating: Guy B still called me the next day! As if he wasn't bothered a bit by my complete lack of etiquette!!

I say all this to say, while indeed I am frequently very badly behaved, it is only because you men let me get away with it!! Shame on you for not making me feel guilty! Shame on you for continuing to call me even after I've mistreated you so wretchedly! Grow a pair, call me ugly names to my face, and slam the door dramatically once or twice!! What is wrong with you??! I'm no Pamela Anderson. I can't really be worth all the trouble, can I?

*sigh* I probably am worth the trouble. Oh well. I guess I'll just keep on with my wild ways until one day a man comes along with the strength to slam a door dramatically in my face. And when that day comes, I'm gonna open that slammed door, tackle him to the ground, and marry him. Whether he likes it or not.