Why I have to go out with my ex-boyfriend

Love is grand isn't it? No! It's not. I'm so, so sick of all! Let me tell you why: Men never act rightly when they are supposed to. Treat her right when she's your girlfriend - not after you've already broken up!

Madeline Kahn was also sick and tired of love.

Soooo, my darling not-really-my-boyfriend-but-we-still-go-out-on-dates-we-just-don't-make-out guy, aka, the owner and sole proprietor of Kinesiology Solutions, had a brilliant idea one day. He claims he's not the jealous type (although I find this highly suspect), so to illustrate his point, he, whilst I wasn't looking, chose to aggrivate an already sensitive subject by taking it upon himself to send a text message to my ex-boyfriend. Now, he didn't just out of the blue send this text message. I confided in him that my ex-boyfriend was not leaving me alone, finding every excuse to call or send a text message. Just at that very moment, ex-boyfriend sent a text message. I was annoyed and left the room. It was at this point, my darling now-not-really-boyfriend guy picked up my phone, and sent a text message in reply to my ex-boyfriend's message. It read, "Ahh thanks, babe! You're so sweet! And don't forget about our dinner!"

A few minutes later, I heard my phone beep, alerting me to a new message. I had no idea what had happened. I say, "Darling Guy, will you see who that is?" Darling says I've gotten a text message. He shows me. I read it: "Oh, I won't forget! I'll call you soon so we can go to lunch." I'm confused. "What?" I say. "But that doesn't make any sense. I didn't send him a message."
"Yes, you did," Darling says. "Here, let me show you."
He scrolls through my sent messages and pulls one up - the one HE sent ex-boyfriend.
"But, I didn't...wait a minute...YOU SENT HIM A TEXT MESSAGE!!!!!" I screamed.

Now I admit, I've played my share of great tricks on Darling Guy, some pretty damn good ones, too. So, I probably deserved this. This was, in fact, his first retalliation, and they say that revenge is a dish best served cold, so Kudos, Darling Guy. Excellent trick. But in the meantime, I have to deal with an ex-loser-boyfriend who thinks I want him back.

This is where I start to lose it. And I mean LOSE IT!!!!!!

A photo of my ex-boyfriend and me, taken just before the break-up.

You see, dear readers, I invested 2 long years in ex-loser-boyfriend. I encouraged him, was devoted to him, was understanding, and I tried to help him achieve important goals. For instance, I encouraged him to go back to school. I even tutored him through his remedial math class - both times he took it. With my help he passed it the SECOND time. I tried to help him see the importance of God and church, and I tried to get him to see why, at 32 years of age, he needed to stop living off of his parents money. I tried. I worked. I begged. I cried. For 2 years. And for 2 years, he never made one single concession for me. He never adjusted his schedule, never went out of his way, never made any sort of sacrifice. He never took off from his $7.50 an hour receptionist job at 24-hour fitness to come support me in any of my endeavors. When I was going to run a half-marathon for Leukemia, he said that he couldn't come because it was too early in the morning. When my Grandmother was dying, he didn't want to have to drive his precious Mustang to the airport 5 miles away to take me to get a rental car because my car was in the shop and offered to get me a cab. (He changed his mind when I threw the phone book at him.) I tell you all this to tell you that ex-loser-boyfriend is entitled to nothing from me.

You see, I thought that once I made it sound like I didn't really want to go out to eat with him, he would just let it go. But, he hasn't. I'm too busy to go on a date, and definately too busy go out with someone I don't even like! Lately, he hasn't been asking whether or not I would LIKE to go eat with him, he's been demanding to know WHEN I will go with him. There's no asking. Like he can tell me what to do. And what's more, he's even generously offered to SWITCH SHIFTS WITH SOMEONE so he can more accomodate my schedule!!!! Now he wants to act right. Now.

This is how I feel.

This is where I get angry. Where does he get off? He had 2 years to act right! 2 long, long years of my life to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. He failed. Miserably. And now, after I've moved onward and upward, he thinks he can have me back. Just like that. He can tell me what to do and demand things from me. I'm so, so fed up!

But, a true mad spinster uses these little idiotic men to her advantage. I'm going to go out with ex-loser-boyfriend - to the restaurant of my choice - an expensive restaurant of my choice. And order the most expensive thing on the menu. Then, just so he won't be inconvenienced, I'm going to take a cab home. The end. He deserves to suffer a little, and I plan on being the one to deliver the suffering.

You can call me cruel if you want. I prefer to be called, "Deliverer of Justice."

Madeline Kahn - my hero. And a true deliverer of justice. You can see her here, delivering.