Today is the day that I spill all! Some of you may already know all of this, but some may not. However, it's just too juicy for me to hold it in!!
So here they are, listed out for you, all my dirty little secrets of the past few weeks. (There are two.)
(We all saw this one coming, I'm sure.)
1. I am increasingly obsessed with T.O. I read every article about him, scour every headline, and when the sports writers aren't constantly talking about him, I'm offended! I, of course, recognize that I have a serious problem. Celebrities are typically pretty gross people. T.O.'s no exception to the rule!! What is wrong with me?! I've even gone so far as to let myself have ridiculous fantasies about him!! Not, horribly graphic fantasies or even sinful ones...but they can't be too far away!! 
(It's not sinful to want to just touch those washboard abs, is it?)
Seriously, I have a problem! When I read stories about him, I find myself thinking ridiculous things like, "He's just misunderstood" or "I don't really like Donovan McNabb anyway" or "He probably was really mistreated in Philly" or "He's so talented and everyone else is just jealous." WHAT?!!! Can you believe that I entertain such ridiculous thoughts?! What the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with me?
2. I have....wait for it...signedupforanonlinedatingservice. Did you catch all that? No? Okay. I have signed up for an online dating service. WHAT?!!! YOU DID WHAT?! I know, I know. But I was bored with all the free time I had since the breakup. I had to do SOMETHING, or I'd just mope around all day, thinking about how I, once upon a time, had a boyfriend. And, let me tell you-it has been VERY interesting! There is a wide range of men who find me interesting:
From cute and not such a loser:
To old and creepy and obviously a HUGE loser:
This might seem like a dangerous endeavor, but never fear! You don't actually HAVE to go out on a date with anyone...and if you do, you just don't let them come to your house, or give them your social security number! But so far, it's proven to be an effective way to feed myself, as most of the men so far have paid for everything...um...I mean food, of course...they've paid for all the food I've eaten!! (Geez! Even I'm not THAT skanky!) And my date book is full up! Friday I have a date to the symphony, Saturday I have a date to eat sushi, Sunday I have a date to a Mavericks game and Tuesday I have a date with an Investment Banker! Let's just hope I don't get fat!
So, there you have it, my juicy confessions. I feel so much better now!
7 comments:
Oh, my gosh. That's a lot of dates! Fancy ones, too. I'm so intrigued by this. I say, more power to you! Just keep an eye out for wedding-ring tan lines.
I think that I'll take it one step further and do background checks on them - is that wrong?
No! That's a great idea. Can't be too careful...
Ain't that the truth?! And it's also lots of fun to sleuth people out like Nancy Drew!
An investment banker?
What happened to your vow of singleness?
What do you think the chances are that T.O. uses the same dating service but just posts a fake-out picture to keep the crazies who stalk him away? (Of course, that plan would fail if he met you in this case...)
If you meet T.O. through a dating service, no washboard touching on at least the first 3 dates! Understood?!
Understood. I'll try my best to keep my hands off him for at least the first 5 dates...but what about my lips?
Forky - I took a vow of celibacy - not singleness!! And I'm still single...I mean, I'm not going be anybody's girlfriend! I need a good while to recover from what's his face!
Post a Comment