I Believe in Science, Part II

So, what did happen at the white elephant crapchange?

Practically nothing.

My "horrid cousins" weren't there. Thank jebus. However, there was a family there who wasn't related to us at all. I liked them.

My dad let me shoot his rifle. It's the first time anyone's ever trusted me with a deadly weapon. I'm not a good shot, by the way. I kinda hoped I'd be like Annie Oakley, but I'm not. The whole experience reminded everyone why they never let me twirl my fire batons at football games.

But back to the crapchange: hardly anyone stole anything because everything everybody brought was so crappy. I tried to liven things up by stealing a cheap pink watch, thinking that someone would steal it, but they didn't.

Let's just all thank heaven that my "horrid cousins" weren't there or I would have had to threaten them with my dad's rifle.

The think of it is, I only have two "horrid cousins," but they're both so excruciatingly boring that they make my head want to explode. When they walk in the room, the excitement level goes down about 10 notches. Fortunately, they weren't there. I thought they would be. But the weren't. So, consequently, it wasn't all that bad...even with the really crappy pink watch I was forced to take.

I still haven't given up my belief in Science, however. It'll take a Tiffany's bracelet to get me to convert.

Bah. Hum. Bug.

It's the 22nd. Of December. I haven't done any Christmas shopping. At all. It's almost 1pm right now. I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas. To make matters worse, I'm at my parents' house. And we all remember what happened last time I was here!

So, I have an aunt who has mental problems...some I secretly suspect she brought upon herself, but whatever. She decided that because she's run her family into a mountain of debt from all her mental shenanigans, they didn't have enough money for Christmas this year. (However, they just bought a new car.) So my Grandmother and my other aunt decided that we could just have a fun, light-hearted, white elephant exchange.

*sigh*

I hate white elephant crapchanges. And now because my aunt has spent the last decade being a selfish "mentally ill" skank, I have to suffer.

WHY????!!!!!! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I'll be athiest for Christmas so I don't have to participate.

"Grandma and Grandpa, Uncles and Aunts, Cousins and that one 1st-Cousin-Once-Removed, I no longer believe in God. I believe in Science. As such, I cannot participate in your white elephant crapchange this year." This will, of course be followed by weeping, wailing, and the typical gnashing of teeth. But, I will not be moved by such emotion and will hold fast to my belief in Science forever until the crapchage is over.

This is the best idea I've ever had.

Vacation

So, I'm on vacation. I'm sleeping late, I'm watching TV....a lot like I did this summer. The difference?? I haven't gotten fat yet! Of course it's only been about 3 days. Also, I've been seeing a lot of SOAPM, which has been delightful. Sunday I went to SOAPM's church. I was feelin' fine about it, until I got about a mile from the church. Then, I started sweating.

SWEATING!! I don't sweat. Even when I go run miles upon miles, I glisten. I'm just not a sweater. So, I figure, I'm just a little nervous. I give myself a pep talk, "Okay, Queen, get yourself together. You're hot and gorgeous! Everybody loves you! Nobody is as fabulous as you! You're smart and clever and SOAPM is a lucky, lucky man!" I feel better for about 5 seconds.

See, the problem is, from what he's told me his mother sounds a lot like me. I would HATE to face me as a mother! I'm a hard woman to face. My brother's girlfriend's are scared of me! Imagine if they were my son's girlfriends! I would be TERRIFYING!

I'm contemplating this as I'm walking into the church. Still sweating.

I'm late. On purpose. Fashionably late. (I look fabulous, by the way.) I sit down and am graciously received by a couple of members. I'm still sweating. And kind of nervous.

So, there I am in church, sitting by myself, as SOAPM plays the bass guitar for the church and is at the front. And then it dawns on me...

I'm sweatin' like a whore in church.

huh.

In Deep Smit

That's right. I'm in it up to my eyeballs. Smit. I'm smitten. And while some of you think that because of my tendency to gravitate toward horrible jerk-offs, this one has to be TERRIBLE, you're wrong. Wrong!!

So, why is this not a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea?? Because this one's a gem, and so unlike any of the others I've been out with as of late you're going to blown away. I'm not kidding. YOU'LL BE BLOWN AWAY!!!!

Prepare yourselves.

Here we go:
He's a teacher, like me. He loves Jack Black, like me. He loves my dog, like me. He's good at math, not like me. He has an engaging personality and easy smile, like me. He drives a Honda, like me. One time, he threw up in the neighbor's yard, like me. He's the oldest sibling, like me. He goes to church every Sunday, like me (stop laughing. I DO go to church every Sunday!!!Think of how much of a heathen I'd be if I didn't!) He thinks I'm fabulous, like me. He thinks I'm really funny, like me. He likes my hair, like me. He's good at his job, like me. He's socially ept, like me. And...the real clincher....you probably won't believe it, but it's true...he's...he's...

a preacher's kid...

like me.

Now, I know that most of you are thinking, "Oh, holy jebus, two preaher's kids in one dating relationship sounds like the worst idea in the history of mankind!" And most of the time, that would probably be true. But, so far, it's proven to be PERFECT! He hasn't even tried to get into my pants!! And it's not because he's gay. I swear. "But you've accidently dated gay guys before, Queen," you're thinking.

This is true. But, he's totally not gay. The accidental dating of gay guys has given me excellent gaydar.

I'm going to chuch with him tomorrow. Seriously.

See, naysayers?? See?? It's not nearly as ominous as it sounds!! It's almost the exact opposite of ominous!

Now, you're probably all wondering about all the other guys I've been going out with. Well, I've decided not to go out with them anymore. I KNOW! I'm just as surprised as you! But, I felt prompeted when Son of a Preacher Man (SOAPM) sent me a text message in the middle of the day, for no real reason, telling me he was thinking about me. "Oh," I thought. "This sounds like it could be serious. And he's not a fuckwit, so maybe I should cut it off with the fuckwits I AM seeing, so I don't go and screw up a good thing."

Are you surprised by my sudden wisedom??? See?? It was in there all along, I just chose not to access it. Generally, fooishness makes for a more interesting story than wisedom.

So, because I seem to be making wiser decisions in my dating life, I've decided to be fantastically foolish in some other area of my life, so I still have something to blog about! Do not fret, I will continue to entertain you all by giving you examples of what NOT to do.

For instance, tomorrow, after I go to church with SOAPM, I'm going to come home, eat as much pizza as I can, then go swimming in the cold pool water, until someone has to call the paramedics! It's going to be GREAT!!!!

Misadventure, you will be my constant companion.

Crappity, Crap, Crap, Crap

Sooooo....I'm totally smitten. Not with Hottest Guy nor with any of the other guys I've let take me to dinner lately. But, I don't have enough time to tell you guys about it!!! I know! Not being able to blog at work is really starting to become tragic. But, do not fret!!! I'll tell soon! Promise.

just when you think it can't get any worse...

In addition to having all blogs in the whole wide world blocked. Now, my school computer just doesn't work. At all. I had to read the NEWSPAPER! WTF??

The Worst News EVER!!!!!!!!!!

The district (aka, my employer) has finally restricted me from viewing or updating my blog. What a sad, sad day. I cried big, wet tears. Forgive me if my postings are sparse for the next few days as I adjust to this severe blow in my everyday schedule. Also, this means that I cannot read any of YOUR blogs. And now you're crying. I know. I know. In the words of George Strait, "Let's fall to pieces together..."