Merry Kristenmas!!

Today's my birthday. Because my parents are clearly crazy (I didn't get this way all by myself), my mother made up a holiday just for me!! What fun! Funny AND narcissistic! So, below, you'll find an explanation of the sacred holiday of Kristenmas. (And by the way, just because the name of the holiday is Kristenmas, it doesn't necessarily mean that my name is Kristen. You can still call me Queen. Kristen is my saint's name.)

"We are entering the season of Kristenmas (from the Spanish: more Kristen of the celebration of Kristen). For those of you who feel like FestivasfortheRestofUs has become too commercialized and exploited, I encourage yo to focus on Kristenmas. This celebration has its origin in 1980, in the United States when Queen, III was born. Silver, crochet, scented powders, lotions and U.S. Savings Bonds were among the first gifts to celebrate this occasion. Since that time the celebration has grown, until now it is celebrated by people worldwide and gifts have become more elaborate.

"Kristenmas actually occurs on January 29, but the days preceding and following are included in most cultures; however, the time frame varies country by country. In the United States, the celebrations begins January 25 and ends January 31 (the seven days of Kristenmas); however, in some African and Asian countries, the season of Kristenmas begins the 3rd Sunday after the winter solstice and continues through February 5. Most European and South American countries follow the same time period as the U.S.

"Activities surrounding Kristenmas include gatherings of families and friends, which include a variety of delicious foods; giving gifts to Kristen; watching and listening to Kristen perform; public readings of Kristen's written works; dancing; and buying large quantities of her artwork.

"Kristenmas is a time for us to withdraw form our many daily distractions and turn our attention to Kristen. It is a time for us to refrain from spending money on ourselves so that we can give gifts to Kristen. Some of the gifts that people find the most fulfillment in giving include items from Tiffany's, Neiman Marcus and Victoria's Secret; Cheesecake Factory gift cards; and environmentally friendly automobiles. If one cannot afford items this costly, it is suggested that one join with several others to give a significant gift rather than giving less meaningful items such as shot glasses.

"Kristenmas is a time to reflect on what life was like B.K. (before Kristen) and A.K.A. (after Kristen's arrival). I encourage you, this year, to take time out of your busy schedule and truly celebrate Kristenmas. Set aside time during this seven-day season to think about Kristen and you will find that the months following will be filled with thoughts of. . . Kristen."

See? Crazy is our last name.

Why So Much Food Miss Queen??

Today I ran into a couple of my 4th grade students in the grocery store. They saw me and came running up to me: "Miss Queen!! Miss Queen!! What are you doing?!"

How sweet. I love it when I see students outside of school. I was standing in line waiting to buy my groceries. Keep in mind that I haven't been to the grocery store in a month, so my basket was FULL. The boys ran off to catch up with their dad and I continued to stand in line. Apparently, I was in a slow line, because I was almost up to the moving belt, the boys hollered at me again. They were in the next line over.

"Hey, Miss Queen, are all those groceries for YOU?!!!"

"Yes, they are. Do you think it's a lot?"

"Yeah. That's a lot of groceries! They're really just for you?!"

"Yep."

"Are you sure you don't have a baby or sumthin?!"

Needless to say, I laughed and blushed, because it was both a funny thing to say and struck a tiny nerve with me, since I am the fattest memeber of my family and I do eat a lot.

"Miss Queen, why is your face turning so red??!!"

*sigh* It's hard to catch a break. I must have been heavily affected by their comments, because not two hours later, I went and bought a pair of jeans that are a size too small. I figured they would give me something to aspire to. Or stuff myself into. We shall see, won't we?!

I'm going to try not to eat all my groceries in one night, but it's hard to predict the future. I've already had 1/3 of a pizza.

Just pray I don't eat so much my stomach explodes.

Did I Die?

No. I'm not dead. Just really, extraordinarily exhausted. The last two months of 2007 were ridiculous and it was all my fault. Also, I still can't blog at work.

I realize that all two of readers probably don't even read my blog anymore. I know that I wouldn't. In fact I don't. I haven't read my blog in two and a half months. Nor I have written anything. I'm surprised I still know how to write.

So, just in case anybody cares, although I doubt anyone does, here's an update: my man is still not in jail; I'm still doing hott yoga; I still have to wake up way too early; and it's still not summertime. But, all in all, things are pretty good.

Christmastime was mediocre. We had another White Elephant Crapchange and my Mamaw's house. I can't even remember what I got, but I'm pretty sure it was so crappy I threw it away. I mean, I think that I'd rather have gotten a can of green beans. At least I could have used that.

Spending time with my family was great, but I got soooo fat. Turns out, that I'm the heaviest member of my immediate family. It's amazing I have any self-esteem at all. I mean, all the members of my immediate family are emaciated, but that's not the point. I'm fatter than my dad AND my brother!!!! It hasn't kept me from eating, though. Apparently, I want to be morbidly obese. I've heard it's good to have goals.