just a half-marathon? JUST a half-marathon?!!

Yes, all I do is run. No, seriously. I wake up 5 days out of 7 at 5 am. It's really not that bad, that is until it gets to be about 7pm and you're so freakin' tired you can't even muster up the energy to bake a frozen pizza even though you're really, really hungry. But, I have to do it. I have to. I'm going to run this half-marathon, even if it puts me in a coma.
But, there are some pluses to your muscles being constantly fatigued: you can get drunk really, really fast. Like 1 beer fast! What joy!! I'm a cheap drunk again!! I couldn't be happier than if T.O. finally acknowledged that I'm his one true love and all he ever needed. Okay, well maybe not THAT happy, but still. Remember the last time YOU were a cheap drunk? It was fun wasn't it? Remember?! A night out cost a lot less, didn't it? Man, those were the days! And I'm getting 'em back. I hope that it makes me a little less boring. I mean, since the make out bandit has hung up her cape, maybe the make-a-scene bandit can do some equally interesting damage...

My Weekend

Forky came over, the vodka was flowing, Thoroughly Modern Millie filled our hearts and ears, the batons came out.

Discipline = Boring

So, I've been living life on the straight and pretty narrow and whilst I feel VERY righteous, I'm becoming incredibly boring. My life is even starting to be boring to me. *yawn* I have very little to talk about, which, for those of you know me, IS PHENOMENAL!! Phenomenal, yet very, very boring.

I made out this weekend, but it was a guy I'd already made out with, so who cares, right? It doesn't count as a make-out bandit act, so what difference does it make? My cape is still hanging on that hook in the closet, along with my mask that doesn't disguise me very well at all. *yawn*

My next-door neighbor is still begging to sleep with me and I'm still refusing. Old news.

I go to bed too early to go on any dates. Boring.

I'm being really mean to all my students right now, so they won't run amuck later on in the year, so no one is saying anything ridiculous or cute like, "Miss Queen, did you know that painting looks like a woman's vagina?"

I'm exercising, going to bed early, eating right, walking my dog regularly, disciplining my students, not trying to duck out of work an hour early every day. I've hung up the make-out bandit cape. The only person who calls at night is my mother....and sometimes I call her first. My bestie's moving to New York City. I'm SO boring!!!

And you all know what that means! I'm probably about to stir up some trouble. I can't help it. It's a compulsion.

You know that part in The Grinch where he pulls that table cloth out from under the perfectly set table and nothing falls down? Then he walks away? And then three beats later, he walks back and knocks everything down and makes a big mess? Well, that's how I usually conduct my everyday life! And I like it! All this discipline is about to drive me crazy! I don't know what I'm going to do yet, or how, but just you watch! Chaos will soon ensue!!! bwa. ha. ha.

I know. I have issues.

I really didn't think this through...

So, I signed up for a half-marathon. I have to wake up at 5am every morning to go run for well over 20 minutes. I'm now incredibly busy. Remember this summer when my schedule was like this:
11 am wake up
11:05 watch a Different World
12:00 watch The People's Court
1:00 watch Judge Joe Brown
2:00 watch That 70's Show
3:00 hurry up and work out and then watch Dr. Phil
4:00 watch Girlfriends
4:30 do something just slightly productive whilst the TV is on
5:00 watch Bernie Mac
5:30 watch My Wife and Kids
6:00 watch King of Queens
6:30 watch That 70's Show
7:00 make plans with someone that involves alcohol
OR go to the mall
OR go moving hopping
OR go on a date with some absolute FREAKAZOID that I really didn't like anyway, but who bought my meal

Sure, the summer schedule sounds jammed packed with action, but really, I just sat on the couch all day. ALL DAY.

Here's my schedule now:
5:00 am wake up
5:05 am brush teeth
5:10 am take dog out
5:15 am put on running clothes and fill water bottle
5:20 am run a lot and sweat even more
6:20 am get back and stretch
6:40 am eat breakfast
6:50 am shower and rush like hell to get ready for work
7:30 am take dog out again
7:35 am leave for work
7:45 am play hall monitor for 20 minutes
8:20 am do school announcements
8:45 am start teaching
12:00 pm eat lunch
12:30 pm start teaching again
2:45 pm stop teaching, do extra school stuff
3:00 pm stand outside on the blacktop for 15 minutes, watching children, wishing I could just die before the heat kills me
3:45 pm leave school, go run errands
4:30 pm get home, tend to dog
6:00 pm eat supper
6:30 pm housework
7:00 pm return phone calls, mostly from my mother
9:00 pm get ready for bed

See?!!! This one is so much longer than the summer one! 5 am?!! What was I thinking...oh...wait.
I just stepped on the scale....NOW I know why I'm doing this.... I'm bigger than a Beluga Whale.

Keep your hands and feet to yourself!!

I say this about 500 times a day. No joke. However, it's a little hypocritical of me since I can't seem to do it myself. Well, I think that I probably keep my feet to myself, but sometimes it's hard to remember...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, well, I think the make-out bandit is finally going to hang up her cape. I know some of you might be a bit disappointed, but do not fret! This doesn't mean in anyway that I'm never going to make out with anyone ever again. Far from it! It just means that I will no longer engage in random make-out sessions with any of the following: village idiots, regular idiots, psychos, socially retarded, the angry, gamblers, serial daters, anyone from match.com, the home-schooled, virgins, anyone younger than my brother, anyone less mature than my brother, the divorced, anyone with children, atheists, devout Catholics, jehovah's witnesses, military personnel, homosexuals, alcoholics, nymphomaniacs, narcissists, next-door neighbors, the maintenance man, AND preacher's kids (because I am one - and that would be explosive).

Notice I left football players off the list. That means T.O. is still, of course, fair game.

So there you have it! I already feel so... so... so much like THE picture of restraint. Look at me, getting off on being withholding!

I'm keeping my hands, my feet, my lips, etc. to myself for a while. I won't say for how long... just in case I decide that this is a horrible, horrible idea and that what the world needs now is love, sweet love, and I'm the one to give it to 'em. But I haven't decided that yet, so check in tomorrow to see if I'm still wearing a nun's habit.

Let the great experiment begin!!!
(okay, that's my last Arrested Development reference, I swear!)

Where Have I Been? Escuela.

That means school in Spanish. Because school's back in session!!! And for the first time in my life, I am SO excited. I spent the whole week setting up my classroom and getting things ready for my students who'll be there Monday. So, Don Boscoe, that's where I've been.

I hate that I've been such a fair-weathered blogger. I know how annoying that is! And, what makes it worse is, that I have some CRAZY stories to tell - for reals! I got this message from Don Boscoe:
"Where oh where have you gone? I came back to the great state of Texas expecting my new friend Queen to have exciting stories for me and alas, nothing since my return...what's the deal?? Were you abducted by aliens?? "

Don Boscoe, I've been here, right here, all this time! I'm never very far away, ever!! Then, I accidently messed up a bunch of stuff on my profile, but I've SO got it figured out now! THEN, my brother got back in from Montreal and THEN my mother came into town to bring him back home, but she decided she'd stay the whole weekend and THEN I decided I start training for a half-marathon, so I have to get up at the middle of the night just to be able to withstand the heat. But, I'm here for you! I'm here for ALL of you!! I will NEVER leave you!! EVER!!! I'm so serious.

So let me update:
Right now I'm watching some TV movie with a couple of the fellas from N'Sync and it's awful, but I can't stop watching.

Last week, I went out with this guy, you know the one I told you that I accidently made out with and he thought that meant true love? So, anyway, like the true idiot I am, I went out with him again to this party way up in an Everycity suburb. During the party, he kept coming up behind me and putting his arms around my waist like he had known me forever. I was completely repulsed and tried to get out of it gracefully, but he made it QUITE difficult. Keep in mind that he had only even seen me 3 times in his entire life!! It was weird.

Okay, so let's back track a little. Remember how I said that I had accidently made out with him? Well, that wasn't all of the story. During the "session," he kept talking, which, generally is a bad sign, but that's neither here nor there. He said many things, but the real thing of import that he said, was, AND I SWEAR TO JEHOVA, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, "I want to make you pregnant."

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! He was serious. I was traumatized. And then, as if that wasn't enough, as if I wasn't already completely horrified, he said - IN THE SAME BREATH - "When are you fertile?"

oh. holy. jebus.

I left shortly after this horrifying incident, but the real clincher is I went out with him again!!!! I was obviously bored, or competely out of my mind. Or maybe, I thought, deep down, he was really kidding. Who would actually be retarded enough to say...those...things...i think i just threw up in my mouth.

Okay, so back to the party. I decide I HAVE to leave. I have to go. It was creepy. So, I'm heading out to my car. He's walking with me. (Naturally.) I get to my car.
"Thanks. This was fun." I'm lying.

He turns me around to face him, puts his arms around my waist and says to me:
"Let's make this the longest good-bye ever."

For real. I'm not lying. Who says things like this? I say:
"Ha! Ha! You're funny! I have to go."

I ease out of his death grip of love, peck him on the cheek (as a consolation prize), get in my car and get the heck out of dodge.

I haven't heard from him since. I think I must have hurt his feelings...but geez! This N'Sync movie is more fun than my date with crazy-loser man! So, I think I'll just count my blessings and not complain about the N'Sync movie... despite the commercials. I'm so noble.

Violated

The make-out bandit made an appearance again last night, but she thinks she's made a huge mistake. Most of the time, I use my super powers for the good of the land, and everyone's happy! But every once in a while, a guy comes along and the make-out bandit is too much for him. He is overwhelmed and mistakenly thinks that a well-timed make-out session means true love. *sigh* I've made a huge mistake.

Anyway, that's not the point. Every year at the river, I get severly injured the first tubing trip down. Always. Last year, I was propelled out of my tube by the power of the waterfall, flipped over on the rocks, hit my head and scraped all the skin off of my back. ...well maybe not ALL my skin... The year before that, whilst going down a rapid in my tube, I was forced up against a tree and knocked out of my tube. I had to go down the rapid without my tube and I thought I was going to die. It was awful. Naturally, once I survived, I had to go sit on the river bank and cry and make a big scene and say things like, "Don't tell my not to cry!! I almost died!!!" People stared.

So, this year, the first trip down the river was a HUGE success!! I wasn't hurt, not even once. I didn't even fall out of my tube! It was amazing! We all marveled at my success and thought that maybe, finally, I had overcome the curse of the river. What joy!

Fast foward to the last day. We're going down a different section of the river than we usually do. It was a lot less dangerous, so no worries! I'll be fine. We go down this one, mild rapid. Everyone else does fine! It's going to be great. There's no danger lurking in my immediate future, right? WRONG! bwa. ha. ha.

I'm going down the rapid, minding my own business, having a good time, when suddenly and without warning, a rock, apparently molded to the exact shape of my rear crack, slides up my ghetto booty and jams my tailbone up into my esophogus. It hurts so much I can't even scream. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I get out of my tube and everyone looks at me. "What's wrong?! Are you okay?"
"No. I've just been anally raped by a rock. I think I'm going to throw up."

Incidently, I didn't throw up, but the pain of rock violation has lasted for days and days. It still hurts to sit down. I'm on Tylenol PM. It's serious. My rectum will never be the same.