FOILED!

I wanted nothing more than to come back to this great state of Texas and tell you all that my plans for SOAPM went off without a hitch, that SOAPM was defeated by my mischief and made to throw in the towel, so to speak...I honestly wanted nothing more....

You see, it all started off splendidly. SOAPM committed a series of bone-headed blunders that were sure to give him a front-row seat to "The Heel of My Hott Boots Show." (It's actually a pretty great show, as long as you're not on the receiving end of my heel.)

Firstly, he didn't discover that his debit card didn't work until we were at the airport, about to leave. Additionally, he didn't have any cash - nor any other credit cards on which he could fall back. He had to call his daddy to wire him some bread. I was so freakin' irritated, I almost fainted. Deep down, however, I was simply delighted because I knew that as long as he kept the bonehead act up, treating him like dirt for the entire trip wouldn't be that hard.

Secondly, he kept saying the most excruciatingly idiotic things, typically followed with an, "I know." For example, on the day we made the long trip to creepy, crappy Coney Island (which really isn't an island), we had an unfortunate mishap involving a lack of bathrooms and a grocery store run by the Russian mafia. After said mishap, SOAPM make this excruciatingly idiotic statement:
"This place has A LOT of money. Yeah. Those Russians always have money."

I'm serious.

Well, I just couldn't take it anymore and I flipped out and was like, "SOAPM, shut up!!! You have no idea!! Look around at this shit-hole!!!! There's no money here! You're crazy!!!"

"No," he said. "I have a lot of friends who are Russian. I know."

"WHAT?!!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY FRIENDS!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!! WE ENCOUNTER, LIKE, 2 RUSSIANS, AND SUDDENLY YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THE FISCAL HEALTH OF CONEY ISLAND!!!!!!!! WE'VE BEEN HERE EXACTLY FIVE SECONDS!!!! THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD POSSIBLY KNOW ANYTHING!!!"

Well, that sparked a pretty big argument, in which I hurled many insults until he finally admitted he was as dumb as a stump....No! Only kidding. He'd never admit to that. He did, however, admit that he had very little knowledge of the exact fiscal status of Coney Island, although I couldn't get him to admit that he doesn't know any Russians.

And this was just one of the many, many, many ridiculous statements SOAPM made. Most of them, I ignored because I didn't have the energy to argue. Because, as you can see from the above argument, they really drained me.

Now, keep in mind that during the first part of the week, there were many, many things that SOAPM did that were irritating, frustrating, and downright stupid (like talking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone), but I'm just giving you the highlights, because if I told you everything, you'd all want to impale yourselves.

Thirdly, and OH! this is the big one, SOAPM made a HUGE....and I mean HUGE ...scene in the subway one night. It all started over a little squabble over directions. He was acting like a jack-ass, so I was really letting him have it. Well, I guess he had enough, because, man did he explode! He started yelling at me, and loudly, too. He was so loud, in fact, that I was beginning to be embarrassed. ME!! Embarrassed!!! It takes quite a lot to embarrass me. Just ask my BFF. So, I started to say very quietly, "SOAPM, stop, please, you're embarrassing me." But, he wouldn't stop!! He just kept getting louder and louder and meaner. We walk down into the subway and he still is kind of yelling, and then bam! he loses it. He yells so loudly, that everyone in the New York subway turned their heads suddenly to look at the stupid skank who was about to get beaten by her pimp. I'm blindsided. I say, "I'm not going to let you talk to me like this, I'll just go ride another subway." And I turned on my heels and walked out of the subway as ALL the New Yorkers stared at me. It was so quiet, you could hear my every step on the way out. Usually, I love it when everyone's eyes are on me. But, not that night. Oh, no. It was just like a scene out of a Lifetime movie. I felt like such a victim.

But, SOAPM didn't stop there. He followed me out on to the street, and proceeded to argue even more with me!! I don't even really remember what the argument was about. I just remember thinking that I wanted to get away. Finally, after he had exhausted his wind pipes, I suggested that we just meet back up at the hotel. I'd take a different subway and meet him there, to give us both time to cool off.

So, there I am, in New York City, walking by myself at 1am to the subway. I felt very sorry for myself. Fortunately, I looked really cute that night, so it was a sort of self-righteous melancholy, which is the best kind.

Now, this HAD to be the end for SOAPM! There was no way in the world he could recover from this tragic mishap!! I was so very content.

The next day, SOAPM got the silent treatment. His career as one of the many men who get to take me out was OVER! Job well done, me.

...but then...

*heavy sigh*

he bought me some liquor.

He started talking...and I started talking....and he started pleading....and I was weak from all the walking and the alcohol....and he started saying that he would do things differently and please, please, please and he's so sorry and he started to feel distance between us before the trip and he just didn't know what to do....

I let loose and told him everything that he had ever done to irritate me and how it just couldn't work unless such and such changed and how I thought he was totally not ready to date, blah, blah, blah....I pulled out all the tricks to try and convince him he didn't want to date me, I swear! I was unreasonable, a prima donna, insulting, and bitchy! I thought he had conceded. And I was about to be as free as a bird!

...but then...

*heavy sigh*

He started to take my suggestions. No more phone calls from his ex-girlfriend. No more excruciatingly idiotic statements, no more fights over directions...and he started to focus on me quite a bit. And I started to get a little confused. But, no, Queen!! Stay focused! SOAPM is curb material! Don't be deterred! Focus!

And then one day toward the end of the week, cold, frigid air started to blow in and I developed a consumptive cough, and SOAPM took care of me! Without complaining. Okay...but no biggie....so what, right?...this is just an act....ignore it, Queen, because it isn't real!

But, maybe he's been such a jerk because I've been such a jerk! (Clearly, he slipped something into my cough syrup.)

So, I didn’t make the lesbians touch him. And I wasn’t mean to him 100% of the time. I even went to go see Phantom of the Opera because he wanted to.

I wish I could say I was stronger. I wish I could report that for the entirety of my time with him, I was an absolute Queen Bitch, but alas! I would be a fibber if I did so.

The good news is that during the layover on the way back, he took a call from his ex-girlfriend. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble putting on my hott boots and kicking him to the proverbial curb. Amen.