The make-out bandit made an appearance again last night, but she thinks she's made a huge mistake. Most of the time, I use my super powers for the good of the land, and everyone's happy! But every once in a while, a guy comes along and the make-out bandit is too much for him. He is overwhelmed and mistakenly thinks that a well-timed make-out session means true love. *sigh* I've made a huge mistake.
Anyway, that's not the point. Every year at the river, I get severly injured the first tubing trip down. Always. Last year, I was propelled out of my tube by the power of the waterfall, flipped over on the rocks, hit my head and scraped all the skin off of my back. ...well maybe not ALL my skin... The year before that, whilst going down a rapid in my tube, I was forced up against a tree and knocked out of my tube. I had to go down the rapid without my tube and I thought I was going to die. It was awful. Naturally, once I survived, I had to go sit on the river bank and cry and make a big scene and say things like, "Don't tell my not to cry!! I almost died!!!" People stared.
So, this year, the first trip down the river was a HUGE success!! I wasn't hurt, not even once. I didn't even fall out of my tube! It was amazing! We all marveled at my success and thought that maybe, finally, I had overcome the curse of the river. What joy!
Fast foward to the last day. We're going down a different section of the river than we usually do. It was a lot less dangerous, so no worries! I'll be fine. We go down this one, mild rapid. Everyone else does fine! It's going to be great. There's no danger lurking in my immediate future, right? WRONG! bwa. ha. ha.
I'm going down the rapid, minding my own business, having a good time, when suddenly and without warning, a rock, apparently molded to the exact shape of my rear crack, slides up my ghetto booty and jams my tailbone up into my esophogus. It hurts so much I can't even scream. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I get out of my tube and everyone looks at me. "What's wrong?! Are you okay?"
"No. I've just been anally raped by a rock. I think I'm going to throw up."
Incidently, I didn't throw up, but the pain of rock violation has lasted for days and days. It still hurts to sit down. I'm on Tylenol PM. It's serious. My rectum will never be the same.
15 comments:
OUCH.
Well, if you've seen that episode of Sex and the City, that would be your "preview".
"Naturally, once I survived, I had to go sit on the river bank and cry and make a big scene and say things like, 'Don't tell my not to cry!! I almost died!!!' People stared."
When I read the above, I laughed so loud, people outside my door could have heard me! You're one funny drama momma!
Thanks, Tracy!! ;) I'm really glad that good can come from my intense pain and that somehow, someway, my scene-making story made you make a scene! I can die happily.
Bad bad, Makeout Bandit. Bad.
I'm confused as to how this post strings itself together...First you talk about a huge mistake as the make-out bandit...then you talk about being anally raped by a rock...is it just me or should make-out mistakes and anal raping by nature be seperated just a bit?
Trust me as a fellow superhero in the MakeOut realm it happens, sometimes they once thought of well timed make out turns into an overly obsessive, dopey-eyed, love stalker...it's never fun, but its one of those things that comes with being a make-out superhero. Though we try to do well, sometimes the world around us just doesn't understand...i feel your pain...not the anal rape pain...they other one...that you started with
Good point, Don Boscoe, good point. It doesn't string together at all, except for that maybe in both situation I felt slightly violated. Not terribly violated...well maybe by the rock... anyway, what can you do? It's still entertaining, no?
You know, today is just one of those days I am so glad you have a blog, Queenie! Too Funny! (but seriously, I am sorry.....fffffttt. Guffaw!)
Boscoe..It'd make sense if she made out with the rock.
Duh
Thanks, Jennifer! And Gray-ham, thanks for explaining it so simply. Quite obviously, you're a genius.
I don't care if it was a rock; you have no business making out with anal rapists!
I suggest you discontinue shaking your money maker for a few weeks.
It's like watching Oz: Frio River; you're profoundly disturbed and yet you can't look away...
Where oh where have you gone? I came back to the great state of Texas expecting my new friend Queen to have exciting stories for me and alas, nothing since my return...what's the deal?? Were you abducted by aliens??
Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP freecom classic sl harddrive 320gb usb-2 finale allegra
What a great site accessories for a blackberry buspar telefonica mackage coats Top ten fidelity mutual funds Blackberry 7250 accesories da kine womens backpacks blackberry cell phone batteries nonprofit accounting software
Post a Comment