Seriously. I suck.

Not only did I NOT break it off with Hottest Guy last night, I made a huge neurotic mess of things. All of a sudden, instead of being my usual spitfire, Queen, iii self, I was nervous and blushing and a little bit silly - like a little school girl in front of her much older crush. Seriously. Could it get much worse??

It could.

If I could have left with some dignity, with some ounce of self-respect, then it wouldn't have been worse. It would have been just another one of Queen's silly little bunglings, funny misadventures...it would have been, but...but...*sigh*

I walked in to Hottest Guy's loft ready for battle, ready to just get it all over with. I listened to Fiona Apple all the way over there! I was ready. He was upstairs. My whole excuse for going over there in the first place, was to get my earrings back...he wasn't borrowing them, I left them there after a date. I go upstairs. We exchage short greetings. He gets me my earrings. I put them in my pocket. Then the dialogue (and I'm summing up):

Q: Thanks for the earrings. (I'm trying to keep it short.) Oh. And here's your t-shirt you let me borrow.

HG: Oh...o-o-kay. (Significant pause. He looks deep into my eyes.)

Q: 'Cause you know, I don't really know when I'm going to see you again...

HG: O-o-kay. (He keeps looking deeply in my eyes. He pauses and sighs.) You know, Queen, you're not not seeing me. It's not like you're never going to see me again.

Q: (Here's where I really start to break down.) Well, you know, I mean I know that, it's just that you know, I just have been getting some mixed signals from you and I don't really know what to think and I certainly don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do, so you know, I just thought I should just get my stuff and give you yours and then whatever...

HG: You're not forcing me to do anything I don't want to do. I really like you, Queen, and I want to continue to see you.

Q: Well, okay, that's fine. I've just been getting mixed signals is all and, you know, um...most guys I date really sort of show a little more interest or at least return my phone calls...

HG: I've returned your phone calls.

Q: Well, most of them, but you're not really battin' a hundred. (I momentarily gain a little control of myself, but it soon all goes to hell in a handbasket.)

HG: Look, I'm sorry. But I really do like you and I really want to continue to see you! (Again, he looks deeply into my eyes. This makes me nervous, but in a way that I like. The fact that I like it, makes me even more nervous. The fact that I'm nervous makes me mad at myself. It was very confusing. And neurotic.)

Q: Okay, well, I wouldn't mind that. That's fine. I mean, I'd like to continue to see you, too, so good. Okay. Okay. I have to go. But, HG, look, if I don't fit into your life that's totally okay. You can just tell me because I won't mind at this point (Obviously, I'm a liar). I mean, it's okay if I don't fit into your life, because I'm kinda feeling like I don't fit into your life.

HG: Queen, stop being so sensitive.

(And here, right here, is where I truly lose it. Truly. In response to him telling me to stop being so sensitive, I...did sort of like a litle running in place thing....just for about a second, but still...imagine Flashdance - you know "She's a maniac, maniac..." Horrifying, isn't it?)

Q: I'm not being sensitive!!!

HG: Okay, look, I have to go pick up my drunk friends at a bar, but when I get done I'm going to call you. I promise. And we'll talk.

Q: Okay...okay...okay....I'll take you for your word. (And as I'm walking out the door, I say...) By the way, I waxed my car by myself last week!

(I just couldn't leave with any sort of dignity, could I?? NO! I waxed my car???? Who cares?! Why did I say that???? I could have left with something....even after my Flashdance interpretation! But, no. Not me. Who needs dignity??? Apparently not me anymore. Maybe next time I go over to his loft, I can throw up on his front porch.)

HG: That's pretty cool. Talk to you soon.

And we did talk again soon. Because he called. And while, I maybe a little trigger happy to kick this one to the curb, all in all, he seems like a fairly decent guy....which may explain my propensity to get rid of him. Decent guys, as history has shown, aren't really my type. And conducting my every day life with any shred of dignity is apparently, no longer my style!