My heart is as cold as tap water in winter. I'm turning into Miss Havershim. I can feel it happening. I just don't care.
This week, 3 seperate men, including the famed "Kelvin," have told me that they want me to be their girl forever and ever and ever and ever. And you know how I responded? I yawned. Then I popped my back.
But you know why these "men" are falling in love with me (excluding, of course, Kelvin, who's obviously insane)?? The reason they're all suddenly finding me the most irresistable woman in the world is because I won't give them any. And by "any," I don't mean money.
Additionally, I'm also kind of mean to them. Not really, really mean, but certainly not very nice. For instance, when any one of them starts off on a long monologue about how we should be together and how I'm so beautiful and sexy and we would be the perfect couple, blah, blah, blah, I completely tune them out. I honestly don't hear a single word they're saying. There are even times when I try to listen, but when I focus on their words, it starts to sounds like Portugese. I never took Portugese.
But judging from their inflection, all the words that come out of their mouth can be summed up with this: "Please, please sleep with me."
So, after each man's monologue is finished, I say: "I'm not going to sleep with you." And sometimes, I interject this throughout his monologue just to make sure he understands.
He never understands, and therefore continues talking, as if my, "I'm not going to sleep with you" actually means, "Please, please try and convince me of all the reasons I should sleep with you."
And now, I'm just exhausted. If another man tells me how sexy he thinks I am, I'm going to chew up a green crayon and puke it up.
Here's what I'm discovering: "I think you're sexy" = "I hope you're easy"
So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop being even a little bit nice. I think that I'll keep seeing all of these men, (excluding Krazy Kelvin, whom I don't even know) continue getting free meals, and elevate my meanness to a whole new level. A logical mind would conclude that a man would just ditch a girl who was mean and withholding, but I think we'll find the opposite is true. I think we'll find they won't ditch me, but instead will think my denials are acutally just a clever way to get them all to try harder. Think of all the free meals and liquor I'll get!! And the whole time they'll be thinking they're going to get "some," but they won't!!!! I can't wait!
I think this may actually seal the deal on my perpetual spinsterhood. But, no matter! As I remember it, Miss Havershim was kind of hott.
8 comments:
I agree that Miss Haversham had to have been "hott" in her day. She just found a jerk of a man (like you seem to keep finding)...but you are definately not a pathetic character cause you are a smart cookie!!
Being mean is fine. In fact, I love the new scheme...you just can't be bitter like the aforementioned, ok?
And how could you be bitter with all that FREE food and liquor in your system??
I completely disagree. I think you can be mean, bitter, and free-meal-grubbing all at the same time. And as I recall, you've done it before--with grace and moxie. I will thupport you.
If i tell you "I Think You're Sexy" It's not because i want to sleep with you, i just want to see the disappearing reappearing green crayon trick!!
so....I think you're sexy queeniii, super sexy and hot!!
I'm chewing up the crayon even as I type!
She was hott because she caught on fire and burned to death.
Maybe you get off on being witholding?
And the way I see it, if these men continue to ply you with bon-bons, creme broullé, kabobs, steak tar tar and liver paté (not to mention buckets of booze), they're more likely not to butter you up, but fatten you up. Then you'll have no choice but to move in with your mother and wrap towels around your head.
And THEN where will you be?
Green Puke...WOOHOO...
But i must say, forky makes a good point!!
One indulgent meal a day can't hurt, right? And I might be fat, but I'll also be so, so happy!!!!
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