THE WORST DAY EVAR!

I can't blog at work anymore. They took it away. Again.

This has to be considered employee torture. You can't just let me do something, then not let me do it, then let me do it AGAIN, and then TAKE IT ALL AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!! It's clearly going to send me over the edge. How dare you Everycity Independent School District!! How DARE you! I'm going to have to take some Zoloft to balance me out after this bad rollercoaster ride!

So, despite this recent tragedy, I have more news:

SOAPM and I are no longer dating exclusively. It was totally my move. It turns out that that the only man who could ever bore me was the son of a preacher man. Being such a "good guy" is, in reality, incredibly boring. So, I broke off the exclusivity of it before I died from boredomitis (a very real and tragic disease).

You see, according to him, "exclusive" means that he's not dating anyone else and he spends relatively little time with me.

Hmm.

To sum it up: attention whore + guy who doesn't give much attentions = DISASTER.

So, I had to do something. Because he was just not giving me the attention that I need...and I need A LOT of attention. So, I thought it would be better for him in the end if I spred my attention requirements around a little. Kind of like delegating....

Anywho, I feel a lot better! Because, for a second there, I thought I was the one who was boring and it was resulting in a lot of confusion and uncomfortable questioning.

But, what you need to all know is I'M BACK! No more commitment for me!!! No more wise choices, either!!! Fun, foolish, kiss-happy Queen is back!!!

Did you miss me???

The Truth

My BFF told me that my posts were markedly shorter than usual. This is probably because not a lot is going on...at least of interest. I've been watching a lot of TV and spending much time with my dog. And the truth is that I'm a little bit ashamed of the lack of drama in my life. I feel like my isn't interesting at all! I feel like I'm letting everyone I know and love down by not having continuous grand misadventures. And honestly, I almost don't know how to function without them!

Isn't life so much more fun when you're doing something just a little bit foolish??? Isn't it??

Also, because of my lack of misadventure, I'm starting to get a little bored. And when I get bored, foolishness is usually not far behind. I just pray that I'll have some good ideas for a clever misadventure before I die of boredom!

And because I'm dating SOAPM "exclusively" that leaves the make-out bandit locked up and really puts a limit on what I usually do when I'm bored. I guess I could break it off with SOAPM. (I might be a little sad about that after a week or so...since you know...he does bring me flowers sometimes.) I could drink myself into oblivion or go swimming in the hot tub with nothing on.

I could rekindle my love affair with T.O. I heard he fired his publicist.

Or I could start committing small misdemeanors! Even better! I'll be a petty theif! Yes!! That's it! I'll begin a life of crime! I can be like Moll Flanders!!! But without all the kids and the whoring. I'll learn how to steal watches and wallets. Wait!!! Even better!! A JEWEL THIEF!!! Or a cat burglar!!! I could wear my old ballet leotard! And slippers! I'd be the best jewel thief/cat burglar evar!!!

Okay, guys. I've got to get going! I've got a LOT of work to do. Becoming a jewel thief/ cat burglar is gonna take time and effort. And possibly a new outfit or two. Or five.

Update

Please refer to this post to find out what has happened with me and SOAPM:

http://queen3.blogspot.com/2006/05/to-forky-im-tired-of-repeating-myself.html

I should mention here that Monday I ordered myself flowers to help SOAPM see he wasn't the only one who was after me. My plan was to not mention that the flowers were from myself. HOWEVER, Tuesday night he showed up on my doorstep with a dozen, long-stemmed, red roses.

I might have overreacted.

What I Get for Thinking

I was thinking yesterday and I decided that I'm fabulous. Not just a little fabulous or kind of fabulous, but really, REALLY fabulous. While musing, I was reminded of one of those stupid questions you hear on a talk show: "Would you date yourself?" There was a time when I would have said no. But that was long ago. When I thought of the question this time, I thought, "Heck yes I would!" Then, I really started to think about it....man! I'm awesome! I'm fun, funny, clever, hott, talented, self-sufficient, entertaining...the list just goes on and on. I would LOVE to date me! In fact, maybe I should date me. Maybe I should just cleanse myself of all inferior dating attachments and have a man-fast until I find one worthy of my attention. One who is equally as wonderful as ME.

I'm sure you're all able to discern where this is heading.

A malaise began to set in. I started to feel extremely dissatisfied and frustrated. I began to analyze my dating relationship with SOAPM. Was it worth it? The whole living-with-the-parents thing is pretty irritating and I don't think that he's getting me anything for Valentine's Day...is it worth it? Is it? Crap.

This is what I get for thinking.

So, I let those feelings of dissatisfaction fester all day. Then, I ended the day by having another stern "talking-to" with SOAPM. The result was not happy. Way to go, Queen.

In addition to being fabulous, I'm also destructive. I think I've established my spinsterhood well enough. Congratulations to me.

Knocking on Death's Door

Tuesday I woke up and thought I was having a severe allergy attack. 12 hours later I was pretty sure that I was almost dead. My fever was rising by the minute, my body ached, I didn't even want to eat! I woke up the day next and felt even worse. It was horrible. I managed to find the strength to drive to my internist's office. He told me I had bronchitis.
"Bronchitis?! How did I get bronchitis?!"

"It's just an infection of the blah blah blah."

"But, only white trash get bronchitis!!"

"Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Touche, Doctor. Touche."

I Gave Him What-for!

I just couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't. So, I had to do something. Had to!!

I gave SOAPM a stern talking-to. He's making me a neurotic mess with the whole living-in-his-parents'-house thing. And to his defense, he hasn't been living in his parents' house forever or anything like that...he just moved back in this summer...he had been working in the Valley (if you're not from Texas, you probably don't know what the "Valley" is...when you hear that term used by Texans, just think, "Mexico." Becasuse that's what it is, basically). But see, that's not the point!

Point is, all this having to worry about his parents is reminding me of a time that I'd really like to forget: the time when I lived with my parents. The first 17 years of living with my parents really wasn't that bad....but the year before I went to college and the subsequent summers were HELL! I don't want to be reminded of that dark, desperate time. Who would?

So, last night, I really let him have it! I didn't hold back. I told him either he mans up or I'm out.

How's that for tough love? Man, am I awsome.

I am woman, hear me complain.

Mantra

I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic.

But, see, even with this mantra that I've been chanting incessently, I'm still a little bit neurotic...and here's why:

SOAPM lives with his parents. His conservative, religious parents. Now, you might be thinking, "But, Queen, your dad's a preacher too, so you should understand!"

At first glance, one might think so, but the truth is, in comparison to SOAPM's family, my family is a band of wild liberals, throwing conventional wisdom to the wind, interpreting the scriptures with a devil-may-care attitute, letting their children run wild through the night, allowing their daughter to wear two-piece bathing suits and flaunt her cleavage, granting permission to their offspring to make their own decisions no matter how foolish and crazy.

SOAPM's family is CONSERVATIVE and sometimes a bit overbearing. And he lives with them. That means they're keeping tabs on when he comes home, when he leaves, who he's with and why. While his family doesn't know for certain my family is a band of wild liberals, I live in daily fear of them discovering.

What happens when his parents find out that my mom is a raging feminist, who thinks all the pronouns that reference God in the bible should be changed to "She"? And what happens when his parents find out that my dad believes in evolution and in science? And what happens when his parents find out that I agree with my parents? And what happens when his parents find out that I've seen their son scantilly clad? OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I'm starting to sweat just thinking about it.

(I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic.)

I'm not sure how much longer I can handle the living-in-parents'-house situation! I don't like the parents of the boys I'm dating to know what I'm up to! I don't like it one bit!! There've been some nights when I've kept SOAPM out until, like, 5 am!!! They had to know we weren't just talking!!!!!

I'm sweating.

(I will not be neurotic. I will not be neurotic. I WILL NOT BE NEUROTIC.)

SOAPM claims he's saving money to buy a house, but he has no contracts pending, no real-estate agent. WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END???!!! If it it truly is temporary, then I can handle it. But....what if it's not????

You all know what that means.

He gets kicked to the curb....with my brand new, super-hott boots.

SOAPM, if you can hear me: don't make me kick you with my super-hott boots. (Although, they are VERY nice to look at.) Move out. Get your own place. I promise I won't ask for a key - only that you keep the bathroom clean.