Why Match-dot-com was a Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea, Part 1

(ed. note: I already typed this post, and it was really witty and fabulous, but my dinosaur of a computer just up and decided to completely erase it. Its lucky that its school property and I didn't throw it out the window, for fear of having to endure a paycheck docking.)

Okay, so we've already established that my life is incredibly boring. And I have nothing to talk about. And while it is painful for me to have to do this, it is inevitably and completely nessecary. I'm going to have to...oh, this is so hard... delve into the past few months and share with you ALL my misadventures of online dating. That's right! All of them!! Queen, III EXPOSED! Er...well....you know....so to speak. (And yes, yes, Cach, I know. You were right. Online dating is creepy. You win. I lose. Again.)

Date 1: A man we'll call "Ray Salinas," because, actually that's his name. And you can even google him...that is if you're brave enough. I'm not.
What? Yes, I realize I'm giving his full name, but it's not like I'm violating HIPPA or anything!! Geez.

Gimmick to get into my pants: "You need an older man who can support you and show you the ways of love." (Seriously. I'm not making this up.)

Number of dates: 3

Ray was an "older" man, meaning he was much too old to go out with me, but he at least pretended to have a lot of money and bought me food and liquor and I was on the rebound...the perfect storm. Ray and I went on a few dates, and each time he spent what seemed like hours trying to convince me that I needed a man like him to "teach" me about the ways of lovin' and that he could also give me things and help launch my career, because he was so very connected. I considered this for about .25 second and then decided that having sex with an old, long-haired, closet case, perverted shell of a man wasn't worth all the fame in the world. He tried earnestly to convice me, helpfully reminding me that many young starlets reached fame by marrying their managers. Celebrities like Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, and Kevin Federline. I must admit the promise of fame was tempting, and then....I'd think about what I'd have to do to get that fame...it wasn't worth it.

A few weeks later, after Ray and I had stopped talking (or more accurately he stopped calling when he finally figured out he wasn't gonna get any), a girlfriend of mine signed up for match-dot-com and AS SOON as she did, Mr. Salinas sent her the SAME EXACT email he sent me when I signed up (notice he was date 1)! Creepy, no?
It read: "WOW!"

Double creepy.

And folks, I wish that I could tell you that this was the end of all the shameful goings-on, but, sadly, this is just the very, very beginning. Don't say I didn't warn you!