Why Match-dot-com was a Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea, Part 2

And we're back. To why match-dot-com was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea (for me), Part 2.

So, here we are at date number 2. This one isn't nearly as juicy as the first, but diverting, nonetheless.

His name: Eric

Occupation: some kind of sports supplement salesman

His gimmick to get into my pants: he had no apparant gimmick. (I know!!! Hard to believe, isn't it??)

Number of dates: 2

Eric was a nice guy. He was a BIG guy, but had played tennis in college. He was a body builder or something like that presently, but he also had a huge gut that you could tell he was uncomfortable with. I mean, if he was a tennis player, I'm sure that at one point he was incredibly thin. Have you ever seen a fat tennis player?? But, he was a pretty nice guy. So, we go out. He has a fairly decent sense of humor, but we have almost NOTHING in common and I spend the entire night scrounging for conversational topics. It was so exhausting.

He actually took me out to the nicest sushi place in town and spent a pretty penny on our dinner. We dined like Kings!!! We had the best wine, the best sushi, fabulous appetizers, and tremendous dessert. I was stuffed full to the brim! I think that we had planned to go to the movies after dinner, but we were so full that we decided to just go rent a movie and watch it at his place.

We rent a movie. We start watching the movie, and during the previews of the movie a Pizza Hut commercial is aired. I say, "Mmmm....Pizza." But I wasn't hungry, I was just trying to fill the empty silence with a little idle conversation about pizza, since everyone loves pizza, it's an easy topic, right?

Here it takes a tragic turn for the worst.

He says, "You hungry? You want to order a pizza?"

I'm dumbfounded. A pizza??!! But, we only just ate! I'm still really, really full of sushi and the dessert that I said I didn't want but you ordered anyway and I was forced to eat. I was just trying to make conversation!

I force a laugh, "No, silly! I'm not hungry! You just stuffed me full of fancy sushi!"

"Oh, come on! You're hungry, I can tell! I'll order a pizza for us." And he picks up the phone and orders pizza.

I'm so not joking. I think after the order was placed I made some jokes about what a big pig I was, mainly because I thought he was a big pig and I didn't want to accidently let it slip that I thought so. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it was all I could think of to deal with the situation. I had to act like it was me who wanted the pizza all along, because otherwise, I'd have to act like he wanted the pizza. And if I acknowleged the reality of the situation, it would just make everything so awkard, because then my subtext would be so obvious: "You huge fat-@ss. We just ate a bunch of sushi and now you want PIZZA?? Are you crazy??"

He was a nice guy, and I just couldn't be that much of a b!tch on the first date. We continued to watch the movie in somewhat awkard silence. The pizza came. We ate it. Even though my stomach was about to explode, I ate it. The movie was over. And here's the real clincher:
he didn't even try to make a move! I was perplexed, but figured I should get while the gettin' was good! Man, did I scee-dadle! I couldn't believe that he didn't try to stuff his tongue down my throat!! It was great! But, it didn't make me like him any more, unfortunately. I just kept thinking, "If I were to date him much at all, I'd be as big as a whale!! And everyone knows I like to eat, but even I have my limits!!"

We had one more date. It was fairly uneventful, or it must have been because I don't remember what happened. What I do remember is I never kissed him. Phenomenal.

We wrote a few emails and called a few times, but after that it pretty much fizzled. It was probably for the best, though. Who wants to eat themselves into oblivion? Not me. No, sir, not even me.