So, Monday, a child in my classroom managed to eat and entire green crayon without me noticing. He then proceeded to throw up said crayon so quietly, I again did not notice. Eduardo had to come point it out to me.
Now, this incident raises many questions. The most begging is, how do you manage to chew up an entire crayon AND swallow it?? Miraculous.
Judging from his puke, he definitely chewed up the whole crayon. I guess wax doesn't always agree with the human digestive tract.
So, for future reference, the next time you are coloring in your coloring book and you start to look at those sweet, juicy crayons and think they might taste like candy, remember this story and think twice. Because throwing up a crayon has to be at least twice as miserable as swallowing it.
Monday, October 30, 2006
What to when you're bored and feeling kind of mean
So, this summer, I went out with a musician that seemed like a pretty nice guy, but actually turned out to be kind of a jerk and a little too much like a woman for me to deal with. During our dating stint, he agreed to come to my school and talk to the kids at a special event called "Fabulous Friday." The event he was to come to was this Friday, but it got cancelled. This Friday (before the multiple make-out sessions), I was extremely bored. So, I decided to drum up just a little trouble.
After not hearing from the boy in over a month, I figured he wasn't going to come, and was actually kind of relieved, as his womanly ways were far too annoying for me to handle. But due to my extreme boredom, I thought now would be a perfect opportunity to create a little drama to entertain myself. So I emailed him:
"Boy,
Sooooo....haven't heard from you in a while....
That's cool, though. My feelings aren't hurt. Anywho - today was the day that you were going to come to my school...and I would have totally forgotten if the teacher in charge of it hadn't expressed his severe annoyance at how he tried to contact you, but you didn't respond. Now, I don't know if he really did try and contact you or not, but either way, I don't like getting bitched at.
And for future reference, typically people appreciate some kind of communication when you're going to cancel on them....
It wasn't really that big of a deal, this whole program, and I don't know if aforementioned teacher actually did try and contact you, or if you did respond, or whatever, I just know that I took the heat for you today and it wasn't a lot of fun.
ESPECIALLY since you totally seemed like a "nice" guy at first. I guess I just expected more out of you.
Well, no matter. I'll surely get over it.
-Queen "
I know. It was pretty mean. BUT, I was BORED! And - he did turn out to be kind of a jerk, so he had it comin'.
Also, no one "bitched" at me. I just made that up for dramatic effect. And the thing of it is, like a true woman, he responded! And he was very offended. And I was very delighted. Here's what we said:
"First off, the phone and email works both ways. Second, you booked me, I didn't book myself, its up to the people who book me to confirm details as I have alot of bookings. Third, I don't appreciate having my personality attacked in the manner in which it was. No one contacted me and I assumed you would to finalize details but you didn't. If you give me the name of the supposed teacher contacting me and an email, I'll tell him or her the same thing. Im a busy person with school and performing and on top of that with work. I can't manage other peoples schedules and bookings and confirm them when they ask. So yes, this is/was a big deal in the manner it was presented to me."
It was almost too easy. I squealed with delight and then responded:
"Well, I'll talk to the teacher about it. And this wasn't an 'attack.' Trust me. An attack is vicious. I certainly did not mean to come across as vicious. I'm just generally annoyed.
And you're right, the phone does work both ways...
However, we had finalized the details, I emailed you directions, and things were set in stone. You had it on your calendar, or so you said. Seemed pretty final to me. And to tell you the truth, after I hadn't heard from you in a month, I actually just forgot all about it. So no biggie. I mean, I certainly don't want to stress you out since you're so busy and important.
I guess I was just venting. Hope I didn't ruin your day.
-Queen"
Isn't it just riddled with a sarcastic and condecending tone?! I especially like the part where I call him, "so busy and important." Ugly isn't it?
I'm beginning to feel a bit like Miss Havershim.
After not hearing from the boy in over a month, I figured he wasn't going to come, and was actually kind of relieved, as his womanly ways were far too annoying for me to handle. But due to my extreme boredom, I thought now would be a perfect opportunity to create a little drama to entertain myself. So I emailed him:
"Boy,
Sooooo....haven't heard from you in a while....
That's cool, though. My feelings aren't hurt. Anywho - today was the day that you were going to come to my school...and I would have totally forgotten if the teacher in charge of it hadn't expressed his severe annoyance at how he tried to contact you, but you didn't respond. Now, I don't know if he really did try and contact you or not, but either way, I don't like getting bitched at.
And for future reference, typically people appreciate some kind of communication when you're going to cancel on them....
It wasn't really that big of a deal, this whole program, and I don't know if aforementioned teacher actually did try and contact you, or if you did respond, or whatever, I just know that I took the heat for you today and it wasn't a lot of fun.
ESPECIALLY since you totally seemed like a "nice" guy at first. I guess I just expected more out of you.
Well, no matter. I'll surely get over it.
-Queen "
I know. It was pretty mean. BUT, I was BORED! And - he did turn out to be kind of a jerk, so he had it comin'.
Also, no one "bitched" at me. I just made that up for dramatic effect. And the thing of it is, like a true woman, he responded! And he was very offended. And I was very delighted. Here's what we said:
"First off, the phone and email works both ways. Second, you booked me, I didn't book myself, its up to the people who book me to confirm details as I have alot of bookings. Third, I don't appreciate having my personality attacked in the manner in which it was. No one contacted me and I assumed you would to finalize details but you didn't. If you give me the name of the supposed teacher contacting me and an email, I'll tell him or her the same thing. Im a busy person with school and performing and on top of that with work. I can't manage other peoples schedules and bookings and confirm them when they ask. So yes, this is/was a big deal in the manner it was presented to me."
It was almost too easy. I squealed with delight and then responded:
"Well, I'll talk to the teacher about it. And this wasn't an 'attack.' Trust me. An attack is vicious. I certainly did not mean to come across as vicious. I'm just generally annoyed.
And you're right, the phone does work both ways...
However, we had finalized the details, I emailed you directions, and things were set in stone. You had it on your calendar, or so you said. Seemed pretty final to me. And to tell you the truth, after I hadn't heard from you in a month, I actually just forgot all about it. So no biggie. I mean, I certainly don't want to stress you out since you're so busy and important.
I guess I was just venting. Hope I didn't ruin your day.
-Queen"
Isn't it just riddled with a sarcastic and condecending tone?! I especially like the part where I call him, "so busy and important." Ugly isn't it?
I'm beginning to feel a bit like Miss Havershim.
Classic Make-Out Bandit Move #128: The Double Header
Back in the golden age of my make-out banditism, I had some classic moves. One was the Double Header (#128), which included two "dates" in one night. (I say "dates" because they weren't really dates as we didn't really go anywhere, we just "hung out". And by "hung out," I don't mean that we sat around and watched chick flicks....I'm sure you follow my meaning.) These "dates" included a standard make-out session...and if they included anything more, conveniently, I don't remember.
Now, I haven't pulled a double header in a while, nor have I needed to. However, we all know that I've been lookin' to start a little trouble. And naturally, with little effort, I found it.
Thus, this weekend:
I'm walking my dog, minding my own business, when my phone rings. (My ring tone, by the way is the Rocky theme played on the Pianica by my little brother. Let this underscore the following scene.) It's my around the corner neighbor. We'll call him "Treyford."
Me: Hello?
Treyford: Uh. Yeah. What's up?
Me: Nuthin'
Treyford: You at home?
Me: Yeah.
Treyford: What, you about to go somewhere?
Me: No. What's up?
Treyford: I need to talk to you.
Me: (Oh holy jebus. What could he possibly have to say to me?) Well, okay. What do you need to talk to me about?
Treyford: I just need to talk to you. Could you come over?
Me: (hesitatingly) oh...okay, sure. Is everything okay?
Treyford: I just need to talk to you.
Me: Okay, I'll be over in a second.
We hang up. I start to put on a sweatshirt to go over there and my phone rings again. (Still the Rocky theme)
Me: Hello?
Treyford: Listen, I know you're busy, so you don't have to come down here.
Me: No, I'm not really that busy and I was just about to walk out the door.
Treyford: Well, it's cold outside, so I don't want for you to have to walk all the way over here.
Me: It's 60 degrees outside and you live around the corner!
Treyford: I just need to tell you something, so just let me get this off my chest.
Me: (Oh, Lord. Here it comes.) Sure. I'm listening.
Treyford: Ever since I first saw you, I thought you were a beautiful woman. And I know that you've been goin' through some things, so I'm trying to give you your space, but I just...I just think that we would be good together and...it's like you won't even try. I'd really like for you to just give us a chance and you don't have to say anything now, but will you at least think about it?
(I should probably interject here that I made out with Treyford shortly after my horrible break up with latest ex-boyfriend...and actually... we made out more than once...)
Me: (Find a way to let him down easy, Queen. Don't panic. Breathe. Don't forget to breathe.) Well, Treyford, I honestly didn't know that it was that crucial for you. Had I known....but, I mean, well, I can tell you now that I wouldn't mind dating you, but I just couldn't date you exclusively right now, because well...I'm just not ready...and honestly I thought that you've just been trying to get in my pants!
Treyford: I really want to date you exclusively, but look - just think about it, okay and call me later.
Me: (I guess he's not going to take no for an answer.) Sure.
That came from absolutely nowhere. NOWHERE!!! I mean, sure, we've been to the movies once and hung out a few times, but never had there been any discussion of "exclusive" dating. Anywho - after we hung up, I just sort of let it go and figured I'd call him the next day and evade the whole situation by rambling on and on about my dog until he was forced to hang up.
Then, the cute, but very tiny medical student from upstairs called me. Let's call him "Aladdin." (Aladdin is about 5' 2". No joke.) Aladdin and I have been friendly with one another for about a year. Sometimes we hang out, but not too often. Lately, we've hung out more frenquently than we ever have. Which is cool with me because he seems like a pretty nice guy and one time he helped me get a splinter out of my finger. (He's going to be a surgeon.)
So, Aladdin calls me and we're hanging out and drinking a little, but then a friend calls him and reminds him about a birthday party of a good friend he was supposed to go to. He has to leave but says he'll call me when he gets back. He leaves. I go home. I continue drinking. By myself.
Treyford calls me: "Please come over." I'm drunk. I say, "Okay."
I'm sure you're all clueless as to what happens next. Wait for it.....let the suspense build....it's a mystery....what could have possibly happened next????
I made out with Treyford. Oops. Tee hee.
He wanted me to spend the night.... even in my drunken state I realized that was a foolish idea. I leave.
Aladdin calls me: "Hey, come back up and let's hang out." I'm drunk. I say, "Okay."
Are any of you starting to see where this is leading?
Aladdin and I are hanging out, having a pretty good time, but I notice Aladdin's demeanor is changed.... but what's different??
"So, Queen," Aladdin begins, "what are my chances with you? Can you break it down into percentages for me?"
Oh. That's what's different. Hmm. I didn't see that one coming.
"Well, you seem like a pretty nice guy, so you get an automatic 15% for that. You're pretty cute, so that's at least 10%.... you're a medical student... and I'm a hypochondriac, so for me that's a full 25% ... I know your last name and you're not married.... oh and I like you, so, add the 5, carry the one, ummm...that's right at 75%! That's a lot better than what most guys start at!!" And I was actually being serious. Even though I was drunk.
Well, that's when the trouble started. I tried to leave shortly after I declared his 75% chance, but he wasn't going to let that happen. Did I mention I was drunk?
Well, long story short, I also made out with Aladdin, the cute, but tiny, medical student that lives upstairs. A true double header. I'd like to say it was my first double header, but alas! it most certainly was not.
NOW, I have to deal with fact that I've made out with two guys who live awfully close by. Thusly, I have to now avoid two guys who live awfully close by. This is not going to be an easy task. I'll probably have to lie, evade, and do all the usual things I do once the make-out bandit has gone and made a huge mess of things.
Maybe I really should start wearing a mask.
Now, I haven't pulled a double header in a while, nor have I needed to. However, we all know that I've been lookin' to start a little trouble. And naturally, with little effort, I found it.
Thus, this weekend:
I'm walking my dog, minding my own business, when my phone rings. (My ring tone, by the way is the Rocky theme played on the Pianica by my little brother. Let this underscore the following scene.) It's my around the corner neighbor. We'll call him "Treyford."
Me: Hello?
Treyford: Uh. Yeah. What's up?
Me: Nuthin'
Treyford: You at home?
Me: Yeah.
Treyford: What, you about to go somewhere?
Me: No. What's up?
Treyford: I need to talk to you.
Me: (Oh holy jebus. What could he possibly have to say to me?) Well, okay. What do you need to talk to me about?
Treyford: I just need to talk to you. Could you come over?
Me: (hesitatingly) oh...okay, sure. Is everything okay?
Treyford: I just need to talk to you.
Me: Okay, I'll be over in a second.
We hang up. I start to put on a sweatshirt to go over there and my phone rings again. (Still the Rocky theme)
Me: Hello?
Treyford: Listen, I know you're busy, so you don't have to come down here.
Me: No, I'm not really that busy and I was just about to walk out the door.
Treyford: Well, it's cold outside, so I don't want for you to have to walk all the way over here.
Me: It's 60 degrees outside and you live around the corner!
Treyford: I just need to tell you something, so just let me get this off my chest.
Me: (Oh, Lord. Here it comes.) Sure. I'm listening.
Treyford: Ever since I first saw you, I thought you were a beautiful woman. And I know that you've been goin' through some things, so I'm trying to give you your space, but I just...I just think that we would be good together and...it's like you won't even try. I'd really like for you to just give us a chance and you don't have to say anything now, but will you at least think about it?
(I should probably interject here that I made out with Treyford shortly after my horrible break up with latest ex-boyfriend...and actually... we made out more than once...)
Me: (Find a way to let him down easy, Queen. Don't panic. Breathe. Don't forget to breathe.) Well, Treyford, I honestly didn't know that it was that crucial for you. Had I known....but, I mean, well, I can tell you now that I wouldn't mind dating you, but I just couldn't date you exclusively right now, because well...I'm just not ready...and honestly I thought that you've just been trying to get in my pants!
Treyford: I really want to date you exclusively, but look - just think about it, okay and call me later.
Me: (I guess he's not going to take no for an answer.) Sure.
That came from absolutely nowhere. NOWHERE!!! I mean, sure, we've been to the movies once and hung out a few times, but never had there been any discussion of "exclusive" dating. Anywho - after we hung up, I just sort of let it go and figured I'd call him the next day and evade the whole situation by rambling on and on about my dog until he was forced to hang up.
Then, the cute, but very tiny medical student from upstairs called me. Let's call him "Aladdin." (Aladdin is about 5' 2". No joke.) Aladdin and I have been friendly with one another for about a year. Sometimes we hang out, but not too often. Lately, we've hung out more frenquently than we ever have. Which is cool with me because he seems like a pretty nice guy and one time he helped me get a splinter out of my finger. (He's going to be a surgeon.)
So, Aladdin calls me and we're hanging out and drinking a little, but then a friend calls him and reminds him about a birthday party of a good friend he was supposed to go to. He has to leave but says he'll call me when he gets back. He leaves. I go home. I continue drinking. By myself.
Treyford calls me: "Please come over." I'm drunk. I say, "Okay."
I'm sure you're all clueless as to what happens next. Wait for it.....let the suspense build....it's a mystery....what could have possibly happened next????
I made out with Treyford. Oops. Tee hee.
He wanted me to spend the night.... even in my drunken state I realized that was a foolish idea. I leave.
Aladdin calls me: "Hey, come back up and let's hang out." I'm drunk. I say, "Okay."
Are any of you starting to see where this is leading?
Aladdin and I are hanging out, having a pretty good time, but I notice Aladdin's demeanor is changed.... but what's different??
"So, Queen," Aladdin begins, "what are my chances with you? Can you break it down into percentages for me?"
Oh. That's what's different. Hmm. I didn't see that one coming.
"Well, you seem like a pretty nice guy, so you get an automatic 15% for that. You're pretty cute, so that's at least 10%.... you're a medical student... and I'm a hypochondriac, so for me that's a full 25% ... I know your last name and you're not married.... oh and I like you, so, add the 5, carry the one, ummm...that's right at 75%! That's a lot better than what most guys start at!!" And I was actually being serious. Even though I was drunk.
Well, that's when the trouble started. I tried to leave shortly after I declared his 75% chance, but he wasn't going to let that happen. Did I mention I was drunk?
Well, long story short, I also made out with Aladdin, the cute, but tiny, medical student that lives upstairs. A true double header. I'd like to say it was my first double header, but alas! it most certainly was not.
NOW, I have to deal with fact that I've made out with two guys who live awfully close by. Thusly, I have to now avoid two guys who live awfully close by. This is not going to be an easy task. I'll probably have to lie, evade, and do all the usual things I do once the make-out bandit has gone and made a huge mess of things.
Maybe I really should start wearing a mask.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
What a Wonderful World
I've been watching lawyer shows since I was a small, small child. It all started with Matlock and Perry Mason, and has since grown into an obsession.
All these lawyer shows have something in common: the lawyers are very, very clever.
In real life, most lawyers aren't very clever at all, have crappy senses of humer, and live dull, glamourless lives. But aren't the TV shows so wonderful? Boston Legal, and Shark, Law and Order, Law and Order: SVI.
I'd be a good lawyer. But my LSAT score was mediocre at best. There wasn't a section on flamboyancy, cleverness, attractivness, lawyer-fashion or stage prescence! The test was clearly biased!
God bless the lawyer TV shows that keep the lawyer lies alive! They're certainly a lot better than married men.
Bad News Bears
I have the worst news. Really, really bad news.
It turns out that I'm a complete idiot. And I'm probably not going to do anything about it. I'll probably just wallow in my idiocracy like a supple sow in the soft, moist earth.
So, here goes: RHMFT claims that he really wants to be my friend because I'm just so, so cool and he doesn't want to lose my friendship, even though he made me an adultress and he feels really, really bad about it all, blah, blah, blah.
Now, dear, dear readers, please do not think for one iota of a minute that I'm buying ANY of this! He's a liar. He's not a consistent liar, however, and at times that really does throw me off his trail. See, sometimes he tells the absolute truth, and that puts a little bug of doubt in my mind about his scroundrelism. HOWEVER, I'm smart enought to know that even if every once and a while he tells the truth, he's overall a liar. But he is really, really, really hot and pretty people are hard to refuse. I should know.
Anywho, I'm weak, very weak. And I like to be around charming people. You know, people like me. Also, I enjoy being around hot men. It's a thing - like a weakness for chocolate...(no pun intended, Forky!)
Thus, yesterday:
RHMFT had surgery Friday and I hadn't heard from him. I thought, "Well, hell. He has a wife! Why does he need me to pretend like I care?" So, I didn't call him to see how the surgery went. And actually, I was thinking during this time of RHMFT abstinece that it would be wise to just let the whole thing fizzle. Very wise, indeed. I actually thought that! Really. Even though he had just had major surgery on his shoulder Friday and even though we're pretending to be "friends," I thought it would just be best to the the whole thing just sputter out. He has a wife to check on him, what does he need me for? (I know, you're impressed with my overwhelming wisdom and discernment, aren't you?)
Well, all that wisdom went to hell yesterday. He called me. I answered the phone. He went on and on and on about how EVERYONE he knew called him except for me and he thought that I was his friend and he couldn't believe I didn't even send him a TEXT message or anything like that and his feelings were really, really hurt.
Crap. Think fast, Queen.
I made up something about how I thought he'd still be really drugged and I was going to check on him later this week or I didn't want to disturb him or I was just leaving him alone to recover because some people really like to be left alone. I'm a liar - I guess RHMFT and I are just two peas in a pod - except that I'm not married.
Let me take a short break here: isn't it phenomenal that I'm even speaking to this man?! Seriously, what's wrong with me? Oh, wait....I know! I'm an idiot.
So, long, long story short. He showed up at my apartment without being invited and we had several bizarre conversations. RHMFT swears that he's not taking any of the pain medication they gave him, but judging from his cracked-out behavior, he's taking a prescription of co-co vicodin. Whitney swears by it. At first, RHMFT paced around, then he was hungry, then he looked like he was going to pass out, then he asked if he could lie down, then he asked for a blanket, then he asked for another blanket, then he evaded questions about his wife, then he gave me religious advice, then he got up and left. But not before giving me the kind of hug an unmarried man would give me and kissing me on the cheek.
*sigh* See? I told you. I'm a complete idiot.
It turns out that I'm a complete idiot. And I'm probably not going to do anything about it. I'll probably just wallow in my idiocracy like a supple sow in the soft, moist earth.
So, here goes: RHMFT claims that he really wants to be my friend because I'm just so, so cool and he doesn't want to lose my friendship, even though he made me an adultress and he feels really, really bad about it all, blah, blah, blah.
Now, dear, dear readers, please do not think for one iota of a minute that I'm buying ANY of this! He's a liar. He's not a consistent liar, however, and at times that really does throw me off his trail. See, sometimes he tells the absolute truth, and that puts a little bug of doubt in my mind about his scroundrelism. HOWEVER, I'm smart enought to know that even if every once and a while he tells the truth, he's overall a liar. But he is really, really, really hot and pretty people are hard to refuse. I should know.
Anywho, I'm weak, very weak. And I like to be around charming people. You know, people like me. Also, I enjoy being around hot men. It's a thing - like a weakness for chocolate...(no pun intended, Forky!)
Thus, yesterday:
RHMFT had surgery Friday and I hadn't heard from him. I thought, "Well, hell. He has a wife! Why does he need me to pretend like I care?" So, I didn't call him to see how the surgery went. And actually, I was thinking during this time of RHMFT abstinece that it would be wise to just let the whole thing fizzle. Very wise, indeed. I actually thought that! Really. Even though he had just had major surgery on his shoulder Friday and even though we're pretending to be "friends," I thought it would just be best to the the whole thing just sputter out. He has a wife to check on him, what does he need me for? (I know, you're impressed with my overwhelming wisdom and discernment, aren't you?)
Well, all that wisdom went to hell yesterday. He called me. I answered the phone. He went on and on and on about how EVERYONE he knew called him except for me and he thought that I was his friend and he couldn't believe I didn't even send him a TEXT message or anything like that and his feelings were really, really hurt.
Crap. Think fast, Queen.
I made up something about how I thought he'd still be really drugged and I was going to check on him later this week or I didn't want to disturb him or I was just leaving him alone to recover because some people really like to be left alone. I'm a liar - I guess RHMFT and I are just two peas in a pod - except that I'm not married.
Let me take a short break here: isn't it phenomenal that I'm even speaking to this man?! Seriously, what's wrong with me? Oh, wait....I know! I'm an idiot.
So, long, long story short. He showed up at my apartment without being invited and we had several bizarre conversations. RHMFT swears that he's not taking any of the pain medication they gave him, but judging from his cracked-out behavior, he's taking a prescription of co-co vicodin. Whitney swears by it. At first, RHMFT paced around, then he was hungry, then he looked like he was going to pass out, then he asked if he could lie down, then he asked for a blanket, then he asked for another blanket, then he evaded questions about his wife, then he gave me religious advice, then he got up and left. But not before giving me the kind of hug an unmarried man would give me and kissing me on the cheek.
*sigh* See? I told you. I'm a complete idiot.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Never Again
Never again will I doubt you, my faithful, loving, generous readers! I feel so foolish! But, in case you all forgot, I tend to be something of an attention-whore, which means, basically, if I feel like I'm not getting attention, I don't feel loved. I KNOW! I KNOW! It's totally a disorder. But it's my disorder. And I love it.
But, thank you, thank you for your validation - it does for me what crack does for Whitney! I think I'll be able to manage another week without breaking out the tap shoes, figuratively speaking.
Now, on to other things.
My electricity was out last night for the third time in about the last 6 months. I was annoyed. I couldn't watch TV, play on my laptop, do my yoga video, open my fridge, cook any crappy food...it was horrible. I'm surprised I even survived! Then, when it finally did come back on, it went off again. THEN, when I was in the bathtub, soaking all my troubles away, it went off AGAIN! But, it came back on after I cussed at it. Thank God I have such a sailor's mouth. I scared that electricity straight! I'm so powerful.
Also, here are a few updates:
RHMFT hasn't bothered me since Friday, and actually I'm kind of relieved. Now, I'm not saying that I'm being totally left alone by all men, but at least I'm being left alone by married men, which I think is really a good thing. (*sigh* He was really hot, though. I just can't win, can I?)
AND, I cut my dog's hair all by myself this weekend because I was sure that I could do it myself, because really, how hard could it be....
ummmm....it's actually a pretty challenging thing to do. Now my dog looks like he has mange. I'm not joking. BUT, his hair IS shorter, so really, mission accomplished. Well, done me! (kind of.)
So, as you can see, my life has been pretty boring these past few days - and you all know what that means....
I'm about to start some trouble! Can you even wait?! I don't know exactly what kind of trouble it will be, but mark my words: there will be trouble.
bwa...ha....ha
But, thank you, thank you for your validation - it does for me what crack does for Whitney! I think I'll be able to manage another week without breaking out the tap shoes, figuratively speaking.
Now, on to other things.
My electricity was out last night for the third time in about the last 6 months. I was annoyed. I couldn't watch TV, play on my laptop, do my yoga video, open my fridge, cook any crappy food...it was horrible. I'm surprised I even survived! Then, when it finally did come back on, it went off again. THEN, when I was in the bathtub, soaking all my troubles away, it went off AGAIN! But, it came back on after I cussed at it. Thank God I have such a sailor's mouth. I scared that electricity straight! I'm so powerful.
Also, here are a few updates:
RHMFT hasn't bothered me since Friday, and actually I'm kind of relieved. Now, I'm not saying that I'm being totally left alone by all men, but at least I'm being left alone by married men, which I think is really a good thing. (*sigh* He was really hot, though. I just can't win, can I?)
AND, I cut my dog's hair all by myself this weekend because I was sure that I could do it myself, because really, how hard could it be....
ummmm....it's actually a pretty challenging thing to do. Now my dog looks like he has mange. I'm not joking. BUT, his hair IS shorter, so really, mission accomplished. Well, done me! (kind of.)
So, as you can see, my life has been pretty boring these past few days - and you all know what that means....
I'm about to start some trouble! Can you even wait?! I don't know exactly what kind of trouble it will be, but mark my words: there will be trouble.
bwa...ha....ha
Friday, October 20, 2006
Inner Monologue
How come no one's reading my blog? I'm really hungry. I wonder why no one is calling me...I mean, I don't really want to talk to anyone anyway, but I do want to feel popular.
Friday night TV sucks anus. I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I have a bunch of papers to grade. I promise I will do it tomorrow. Promise. I'll totally do it. No, I won't. I can't believe I'm an adultress. Dammit, dammit, dammit. I'm so hott, finding someone equally hott and unmarried shouldn't be this hard. But, if I had a boyfriend, I couldn't lie around and watch TV all night, I'd have to worry about him (or her, if I decide to become a lesbian), what he wants, if I'm giving him enough affection, or too much affection, if he thinks I'm a slob because I leave my clean laundry in the armchair, or because I haven't cleaned my bathtub in a week and a half. And OMG, remember how miserable you were with the last two loser boyfriends? Thank God I don't have to deal with that anymore! Geez. And anytime you have a boyfriend, you have to deal with that. Numbers sucks. Why haven't I been watching Law and Order? I have to pee. I wonder if anyone's buying this "I'm totally resistant to RHMFT's smooth ways" act. I doubt they are. I'm so transparent. Dammit. I bet RHMFT's not even buying it! Dammit. Be strong, Queen, be strong. Telemundo looks WAY more interesting than any of the English channels. What don't I know Spanish? I suck. Do I really not have any friends? I suck. I need to find a hot Asian to make out with. I wonder if British boys are good at kissing. Maybe I should go see. I wonder why hot guys are always such skanks. But, sometimes ugly guys are skanks, too. But, why? How could a not-hot guy be skanky? Who would put up with that? My dog stinks. I'm going to bed. Really. As soon as I publish this. And finish that bottle of champange.
Friday night TV sucks anus. I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I have a bunch of papers to grade. I promise I will do it tomorrow. Promise. I'll totally do it. No, I won't. I can't believe I'm an adultress. Dammit, dammit, dammit. I'm so hott, finding someone equally hott and unmarried shouldn't be this hard. But, if I had a boyfriend, I couldn't lie around and watch TV all night, I'd have to worry about him (or her, if I decide to become a lesbian), what he wants, if I'm giving him enough affection, or too much affection, if he thinks I'm a slob because I leave my clean laundry in the armchair, or because I haven't cleaned my bathtub in a week and a half. And OMG, remember how miserable you were with the last two loser boyfriends? Thank God I don't have to deal with that anymore! Geez. And anytime you have a boyfriend, you have to deal with that. Numbers sucks. Why haven't I been watching Law and Order? I have to pee. I wonder if anyone's buying this "I'm totally resistant to RHMFT's smooth ways" act. I doubt they are. I'm so transparent. Dammit. I bet RHMFT's not even buying it! Dammit. Be strong, Queen, be strong. Telemundo looks WAY more interesting than any of the English channels. What don't I know Spanish? I suck. Do I really not have any friends? I suck. I need to find a hot Asian to make out with. I wonder if British boys are good at kissing. Maybe I should go see. I wonder why hot guys are always such skanks. But, sometimes ugly guys are skanks, too. But, why? How could a not-hot guy be skanky? Who would put up with that? My dog stinks. I'm going to bed. Really. As soon as I publish this. And finish that bottle of champange.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
To RHMFT: *yawn*
So, I gave you a chance to explain to explain yourself. And while I appreciate your efforts, really I do, I'm finding it difficult to believe anything that comes out of your mouth.
Let's go over the facts:
1. You're married.
2. Your wife lives with you.
3. You're married.
4. You lied about being married.
5. You're married.
Now that we've established the facts: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!!!
My head is spinning. So, you're married, and you claim you're really, really sorry for what you've done...but hold up...
you're still talking to me. Me, Queen, III. You know the one that you nearly fell over yourself to get to? You remember how you did that? Fell over yourself to get to me? Remember? And remember how you couldn't get over how incredibly incredible I am? And remember how you called me like 3 times a day? Remember all of that? But before, when you were falling all over yourself, I didn't know you were married. (MARRIED!)
And now, after your huge display of remorse and explanation - in which you offered very little explanation, actually - you're still falling all over yourself to get to me! But, why? WHY?!!!!!!!! YOU'RE MARRIED!!!!
You're still calling me more than my mother does (which is really saying something). You slithered your way into my apartment Tuesday under the guise of being my "friend." It was clever, I have to say. Quite clever. But I'm on to you. Really, I am.
You're not getting into my pants, RHMFT! I don't care how excruciatingly hot you are! And besides that, T.O. and I have been talking again...and...I don't know...I'm thinking about taking him back...
But besides all that, if you think for one minute I don't know what you're up to, you have another thing coming! I've seen and heard it all before! And whilst, I may of fallen for it ALL before, I'm not going to fall for it now! Believe that.
I'm so serious.
So, go ahead. Play it cool. Pretend like you just want to be my "friend," even though you're married. Nice try. You're tactics are SO overused. I know you're thinking I'm going to let my guard down and give you an opportunity to pounce, but you're wrong.
I'm saving myself for T.O. - or at least someone who isn't married.
Let's go over the facts:
1. You're married.
2. Your wife lives with you.
3. You're married.
4. You lied about being married.
5. You're married.
Now that we've established the facts: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!!!
My head is spinning. So, you're married, and you claim you're really, really sorry for what you've done...but hold up...
you're still talking to me. Me, Queen, III. You know the one that you nearly fell over yourself to get to? You remember how you did that? Fell over yourself to get to me? Remember? And remember how you couldn't get over how incredibly incredible I am? And remember how you called me like 3 times a day? Remember all of that? But before, when you were falling all over yourself, I didn't know you were married. (MARRIED!)
And now, after your huge display of remorse and explanation - in which you offered very little explanation, actually - you're still falling all over yourself to get to me! But, why? WHY?!!!!!!!! YOU'RE MARRIED!!!!
You're still calling me more than my mother does (which is really saying something). You slithered your way into my apartment Tuesday under the guise of being my "friend." It was clever, I have to say. Quite clever. But I'm on to you. Really, I am.
You're not getting into my pants, RHMFT! I don't care how excruciatingly hot you are! And besides that, T.O. and I have been talking again...and...I don't know...I'm thinking about taking him back...
But besides all that, if you think for one minute I don't know what you're up to, you have another thing coming! I've seen and heard it all before! And whilst, I may of fallen for it ALL before, I'm not going to fall for it now! Believe that.
I'm so serious.
So, go ahead. Play it cool. Pretend like you just want to be my "friend," even though you're married. Nice try. You're tactics are SO overused. I know you're thinking I'm going to let my guard down and give you an opportunity to pounce, but you're wrong.
I'm saving myself for T.O. - or at least someone who isn't married.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Oh. holy. jebus.
Turns out A-man is married "for real" and not "for fake" because his wife just called me. And according to said wife, RHMFT is married, too. Has been for years.
Incredible.
I didn't even see all this coming! I couldn't plan better drama even if I tried!
RHMFT says that he wants to explain himself.
A-man is sending me threats. I got this text message from him this morning:
"Do not involve yourself in anything further or bad things may happen. This is not a threat but you should treat it as one."
He's crazy. And now I think I'm going to have to call my lawyer.
Let's see, so to date:
I've broken up a marriage,
Unwittingly become an adultress,
and been threatened by a Canadian.
Not exactly what I bargained for. Now, I really have a mess on my hands!
I'll be filling in more details later, but right now, I have to go get a TRO! Laters!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
"I prematurely shot my wad and I have something of a mess on my hands!"
(That's from Arrested Development. I, unfortunately, didn't come up with it on my own.)
Okay, so after I wrote the long treatise about my failure, I received a text message from...wait for it...I know you're not going to be able to guess...A-man. Geez. He said he missed me.
sigh.
I realize that some of you are probably shouting for joy at how my experiment is going horribly awry. I never expected for anyone to actually fall for me! It's all in good fun, right? Right?!
Apparently not.
Keep in mind that A-man has actually only seen me in person 3 times. 3 TIMES!!! Oy vey. Last night he called me and made a statement that might lead one to believe that he is falling in love with me. (Oh. holy. jebus.) Also, he said, he can't stop thinking about me, he's totally falling for me, he totally digs me, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, he's deranged. Who falls in love with someone they've only seen 3 times? Who, I ask you?! I mean sure, I fell in love with T.O. even before I met him, but that was, like, a one in a million thing...
Okay, so, now I'm just a tad panicked because I never intended for there ever to be any real emotions involved! It's all for fun! Just for fun, everyone! Guys, no seriously...It's just for fun... no one's listening...
BUT - there's still more to this story: so yesterday afternoon I'm walking to my salon, which is right by the gym where both RHMFT and A-man work. (It's also where my ex-boyfriend works out, but that's neither here nor there...) Usually, RHMFT runs me down and we chit-chat about what-not and then he says he'll call me at some point or something or other, but YESTERDAY was different. Right outside my salon, as soon as I turn the corner, I see A-man sitting outside the cafe, with his son and a woman. I act like I'm daydreaming until I'm right beside them.
"Oh, hi!" I say. "How's it going?" I'm terribly nonchalant.
"Hey, Queen! How are you?" A-man says, trying to be as nonchalant as I. "This is my son, Cage, and my wife April."
sonofabitch. I keep my cool. I mean he told me that he was married, but he told me that it was a "fake" marriage, so that he could get his dual citizenship, and that he has to make it look convincing, so that he's not found out and deported. Suuuure. It looks like you're pretty "real" married to me. So, I make nice. I smile and make about 2 minutes of small talk. Then I walk into the salon and immediately call BFF. Holy cow. My knees are shaking and I'm a bit flabbergasted. I'm also still a little high off of the fixative we used on our chalk and paper drawings in school that day. We discuss what to do. We decide that it's best to just not say anything until I can make a face to face confrontation, that will hopefully be messy and dramatic.
Whilst in the salon, A-man sends me a text message: "Can you feel the love in my fake marriage?" I don't even know what to say. I reply, "yes..." I felt like the ellipses made my response more open ended or mysterious...or something. I mean, but what was I supposed to say?! Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, something like, "You're a crazed maniac" might have been appropriate.
So, I'm still on the phone with BFF, so we can kind of be walking out and facing the potential problem together, like BFFs should. And before I even make it out the door, there sits RHMFT!!!!
It's the perfect storm. (Hallelu!)
I tell BFF what's happening before I get out the door, so that once I'm out the door, we can pretend like we're not talking about the person in front of me. We're pretty slick.
I sit with RHMFT a while and we talk and chat and laugh like old, dear friends. What fun!
A-man is sitting not even 50 feet away with his "family." From the corner of my eye I could see him checking me and RHMFT out. For reals.
So, is it a coincidence that all of a sudden A-man is "in love" with me? Probably not. Just like I predicted, he feels like he has to compete with his friend for my attention. He's surely not as hot as RHMFT nor as charming nor as put-together. But, he is way more sensitive...like a woman. He's also way more married - that is...as far as I know.
Now, I guess I can say, "Mission Accomplished." Except for now...now I have something of a mess on my hands.
Okay, so after I wrote the long treatise about my failure, I received a text message from...wait for it...I know you're not going to be able to guess...A-man. Geez. He said he missed me.
sigh.
I realize that some of you are probably shouting for joy at how my experiment is going horribly awry. I never expected for anyone to actually fall for me! It's all in good fun, right? Right?!
Apparently not.
Keep in mind that A-man has actually only seen me in person 3 times. 3 TIMES!!! Oy vey. Last night he called me and made a statement that might lead one to believe that he is falling in love with me. (Oh. holy. jebus.) Also, he said, he can't stop thinking about me, he's totally falling for me, he totally digs me, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, he's deranged. Who falls in love with someone they've only seen 3 times? Who, I ask you?! I mean sure, I fell in love with T.O. even before I met him, but that was, like, a one in a million thing...
Okay, so, now I'm just a tad panicked because I never intended for there ever to be any real emotions involved! It's all for fun! Just for fun, everyone! Guys, no seriously...It's just for fun... no one's listening...
BUT - there's still more to this story: so yesterday afternoon I'm walking to my salon, which is right by the gym where both RHMFT and A-man work. (It's also where my ex-boyfriend works out, but that's neither here nor there...) Usually, RHMFT runs me down and we chit-chat about what-not and then he says he'll call me at some point or something or other, but YESTERDAY was different. Right outside my salon, as soon as I turn the corner, I see A-man sitting outside the cafe, with his son and a woman. I act like I'm daydreaming until I'm right beside them.
"Oh, hi!" I say. "How's it going?" I'm terribly nonchalant.
"Hey, Queen! How are you?" A-man says, trying to be as nonchalant as I. "This is my son, Cage, and my wife April."
sonofabitch. I keep my cool. I mean he told me that he was married, but he told me that it was a "fake" marriage, so that he could get his dual citizenship, and that he has to make it look convincing, so that he's not found out and deported. Suuuure. It looks like you're pretty "real" married to me. So, I make nice. I smile and make about 2 minutes of small talk. Then I walk into the salon and immediately call BFF. Holy cow. My knees are shaking and I'm a bit flabbergasted. I'm also still a little high off of the fixative we used on our chalk and paper drawings in school that day. We discuss what to do. We decide that it's best to just not say anything until I can make a face to face confrontation, that will hopefully be messy and dramatic.
Whilst in the salon, A-man sends me a text message: "Can you feel the love in my fake marriage?" I don't even know what to say. I reply, "yes..." I felt like the ellipses made my response more open ended or mysterious...or something. I mean, but what was I supposed to say?! Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, something like, "You're a crazed maniac" might have been appropriate.
So, I'm still on the phone with BFF, so we can kind of be walking out and facing the potential problem together, like BFFs should. And before I even make it out the door, there sits RHMFT!!!!
It's the perfect storm. (Hallelu!)
I tell BFF what's happening before I get out the door, so that once I'm out the door, we can pretend like we're not talking about the person in front of me. We're pretty slick.
I sit with RHMFT a while and we talk and chat and laugh like old, dear friends. What fun!
A-man is sitting not even 50 feet away with his "family." From the corner of my eye I could see him checking me and RHMFT out. For reals.
So, is it a coincidence that all of a sudden A-man is "in love" with me? Probably not. Just like I predicted, he feels like he has to compete with his friend for my attention. He's surely not as hot as RHMFT nor as charming nor as put-together. But, he is way more sensitive...like a woman. He's also way more married - that is...as far as I know.
Now, I guess I can say, "Mission Accomplished." Except for now...now I have something of a mess on my hands.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Mission Unaccomplished
After just a week, I have failed miserably! And I'm not even completely sure what I did! Last Tuesday is when I started all the trouble that I described yesterday. What a glorious plan it was indeed!!! Between Tuesday and Friday, I got about 40 text messages from A-man!! He was crazed!
He kept saying things like, "I miss you" and "You're so awesome" and "I can't stop thinking about you!" I'm not joking. They just kept coming! I thought, "Man! I have this in the bag! I'm so fabulous!" I knew that I could keep this going for at least a good month. I was sure of it.
Friday, I got text message after text message from A-man. Also, to make matters a bit more complicated, I went on a date with RHMFT and he came over to see me earlier that morning. I was exhausted.
Then came Saturday. My phone was unusually silent. I think I got one text message from A-man. One. I knew something was awry. My BFF was in complete denial, "I'm sure he's just busy." But he wasn't busy Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday?! That's hogwash!!
Soooo, yesterday, I got a text message from A-man. He said good morning. I messaged him back. He told me that my scoundrel ex-boyfriend was in the gym. Like I cared. He asked me if I told said ex anything about us.
What? Said anything about "us"? What "us"? There is no "us"! This is the extent of my relationship with A-man: I went to watch him DJ last Thursday night. He came over to my house for like 15 minutes and we barely even kissed for like MAYBE 2 minutes. I don't even consider that making out! But whatever. In my book we were just friends. Mainly because he has two children by two separate women and apparently got married to get his citizenship....even though he's from Canada... don't they pass out citizenships to Canadians at the border? But whatever. That's not the point! The point is that we were just friends!!! That's the point.
Yesterday, he told me to call him at noon. I did. He kept asking me if I told RHMFT anything. I said no, not really, but it didn't matter anyway because RHMFT and I were just friends. (I didn't mention we were the kind of friends who made out.) I also told him, it wasn't like we were doing anything, so I didn't quite see the need to be sneaky.
You see, I wanted them both to know that I was seeing the both of them so that they could compete against each other and I would win! See?! It was so simple. And I thought it was going so well....but alas...
Last night, A-man told me to call him, so I did. He didn't call me back. I sent a text message. Nothing. No calls from RHMFT nor A-man. Not a sound. Not a peep.
I guess it serves me right, though. When I did this in college, it turned out so much better for me! What happened? Oh, well. I didn't really dig either of that much anyway...
But all I wanted was some trouble!! Some drama! Somebody confront me and call me a bitch to my face! Anything! I'm so bored!!!!!!
I can't believe it's come to this. I can't even start trouble on purpose! How has this happened? And to ME?!
I've gotta go rethink my strategies... and find some more willing victims.
He kept saying things like, "I miss you" and "You're so awesome" and "I can't stop thinking about you!" I'm not joking. They just kept coming! I thought, "Man! I have this in the bag! I'm so fabulous!" I knew that I could keep this going for at least a good month. I was sure of it.
Friday, I got text message after text message from A-man. Also, to make matters a bit more complicated, I went on a date with RHMFT and he came over to see me earlier that morning. I was exhausted.
Then came Saturday. My phone was unusually silent. I think I got one text message from A-man. One. I knew something was awry. My BFF was in complete denial, "I'm sure he's just busy." But he wasn't busy Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday?! That's hogwash!!
Soooo, yesterday, I got a text message from A-man. He said good morning. I messaged him back. He told me that my scoundrel ex-boyfriend was in the gym. Like I cared. He asked me if I told said ex anything about us.
What? Said anything about "us"? What "us"? There is no "us"! This is the extent of my relationship with A-man: I went to watch him DJ last Thursday night. He came over to my house for like 15 minutes and we barely even kissed for like MAYBE 2 minutes. I don't even consider that making out! But whatever. In my book we were just friends. Mainly because he has two children by two separate women and apparently got married to get his citizenship....even though he's from Canada... don't they pass out citizenships to Canadians at the border? But whatever. That's not the point! The point is that we were just friends!!! That's the point.
Yesterday, he told me to call him at noon. I did. He kept asking me if I told RHMFT anything. I said no, not really, but it didn't matter anyway because RHMFT and I were just friends. (I didn't mention we were the kind of friends who made out.) I also told him, it wasn't like we were doing anything, so I didn't quite see the need to be sneaky.
You see, I wanted them both to know that I was seeing the both of them so that they could compete against each other and I would win! See?! It was so simple. And I thought it was going so well....but alas...
Last night, A-man told me to call him, so I did. He didn't call me back. I sent a text message. Nothing. No calls from RHMFT nor A-man. Not a sound. Not a peep.
I guess it serves me right, though. When I did this in college, it turned out so much better for me! What happened? Oh, well. I didn't really dig either of that much anyway...
But all I wanted was some trouble!! Some drama! Somebody confront me and call me a bitch to my face! Anything! I'm so bored!!!!!!
I can't believe it's come to this. I can't even start trouble on purpose! How has this happened? And to ME?!
I've gotta go rethink my strategies... and find some more willing victims.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Let the Great Experiment Begin!!!!
I know that I said that I totally kicked the really hot man from Trinindad (or RHMFT) to the curb, and I did. But, as I was talking to my BFF the other day, she had the bestest idea EVAR!!!
Me: So, I'm kicking RHMFT to the curb.
BFF: It's probably for the best. Even though he is really hot.
Me: I know. It was hard to let those rock-solid abs go. And man...those biceps! Hot damn! But, a girl's gotta do, you know?
BFF: You're right. What an idiot he was for talking on the phone to ANOTHER girl right in front of you. Even if it was his sister, he should know better.
Me: For reals. What a dummy.
BFF: But, hey, didn't his best friend try and holla' at you that night that you and RHMFT went to the club?
Me: Yeah. He totally did. It was super-strange.
BFF: Okay, well what if, instead of totally kicking RHMFT to the curb, you start a little trouble?
(My ears perk up. There is a vital history that I must inform you about here: Whenever my BFF tells me to do something, no matter how ridiculous or stupid, I do it. One time because I followed one of her suggestions, I ended up smelling like dead deer carcass. But, you see, it doesn't matter. And as long as I live, I will be constantly following her suggestions. She has good suggestions! Seriously.)
Me: Some trouble, eh? Like what kind of trouble??
BFF: Well, why don't you see what happens if you start calling RHMFT's friend? You know the one that tried to come over to your place the night you went to that club with RHMFT?
Me: Oh, you mean, A-man? (A-man is not his real name, by the way.)
BFF: Yeah, A-man. Well, what if you dated both of them at the same time?
Me: Hmmm.... yes. That could cause A LOT of trouble.... I'll do it!!!!
Now, I know you're all thinking, "Queen, this is a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad idea! Don't do it! You'll be sorry!"
And you may be right, but I failed to mention that I've done it before and it really didn't end that badly. And while I was in college at the time, I seriously doubt that most guys really mature that much in just under a decade. But that's not the point!
The whole point of this mischeivious plan is for me to get a lot of attention while doing to guys what they do to girls worldwide. Now, I'm not going to keep secrets from either one of them. If either of them want to know if I saw the other, I'll be truthful. I won't tell them the EXTENT of what goes on, but I'll let them know that I am indeed in contact with the other. (I'll just be omitting the juicy parts.)
My prediction is that these two guys will end up being just as silly as girls are with boys who give them the run-around. We'll see. That's what this experiment is all about!! What's gonna happen? Who knows?? But whatever happens, it will probably be messy and dramatic. AND WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE????!!!! BWA. HA. HA!!!!
Me: So, I'm kicking RHMFT to the curb.
BFF: It's probably for the best. Even though he is really hot.
Me: I know. It was hard to let those rock-solid abs go. And man...those biceps! Hot damn! But, a girl's gotta do, you know?
BFF: You're right. What an idiot he was for talking on the phone to ANOTHER girl right in front of you. Even if it was his sister, he should know better.
Me: For reals. What a dummy.
BFF: But, hey, didn't his best friend try and holla' at you that night that you and RHMFT went to the club?
Me: Yeah. He totally did. It was super-strange.
BFF: Okay, well what if, instead of totally kicking RHMFT to the curb, you start a little trouble?
(My ears perk up. There is a vital history that I must inform you about here: Whenever my BFF tells me to do something, no matter how ridiculous or stupid, I do it. One time because I followed one of her suggestions, I ended up smelling like dead deer carcass. But, you see, it doesn't matter. And as long as I live, I will be constantly following her suggestions. She has good suggestions! Seriously.)
Me: Some trouble, eh? Like what kind of trouble??
BFF: Well, why don't you see what happens if you start calling RHMFT's friend? You know the one that tried to come over to your place the night you went to that club with RHMFT?
Me: Oh, you mean, A-man? (A-man is not his real name, by the way.)
BFF: Yeah, A-man. Well, what if you dated both of them at the same time?
Me: Hmmm.... yes. That could cause A LOT of trouble.... I'll do it!!!!
Now, I know you're all thinking, "Queen, this is a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad idea! Don't do it! You'll be sorry!"
And you may be right, but I failed to mention that I've done it before and it really didn't end that badly. And while I was in college at the time, I seriously doubt that most guys really mature that much in just under a decade. But that's not the point!
The whole point of this mischeivious plan is for me to get a lot of attention while doing to guys what they do to girls worldwide. Now, I'm not going to keep secrets from either one of them. If either of them want to know if I saw the other, I'll be truthful. I won't tell them the EXTENT of what goes on, but I'll let them know that I am indeed in contact with the other. (I'll just be omitting the juicy parts.)
My prediction is that these two guys will end up being just as silly as girls are with boys who give them the run-around. We'll see. That's what this experiment is all about!! What's gonna happen? Who knows?? But whatever happens, it will probably be messy and dramatic. AND WHO COULD ASK FOR ANYTHING MORE????!!!! BWA. HA. HA!!!!
Monday, October 02, 2006
Letter to Really Hot Man from Trinidad: We're done.
This is so hard. Because you're so hot. But you asked to come see me at my house and talked on the phone to some skank for 30 minutes, and then didn't even make a good excuse for your behavior!!! What the hell is wrong with you?!
It's possible that maybe you just don't know, so I'll give you the skinny: in this fair land called America, the one you currently live in, we consider talking on the phone for 30 minutes whilst you're the guest of someone else to be incredibly rude. In fact, if you were at Emily Post's house, she would have castrated you for sure.
In addition to the lengthy conversation you had IN FRONT OF ME, you also went out of your way to let it be known you were speaking to a girl. What? You don't remember? Let me help jog the memory of that tiny little brain of yours:
You said, and I quote, "Now, girl, when am I going to get to see you again? Or do you have a boyfriend that's keeping you in Brazil?"
You remember now, don't you? Because it's obvious that you know no better, let me break it down for you. First of all, she's in Brazil. Chances are, even if you were Brad Effing Pitt, she'd probably prefer Brazil to you. And since you're not Brad Effing Pitt, even if she doesn't have a boyfriend, Brazil is probably keeping her in Brazil.
Secondly: Wow. I am so impressed. I mean, really. You're dating other people besides me?! Really?! You must REALLY be quite a man.
Are you detecting my sarcasm yet?
Look, a real "playa" doesn't have to flaunt it. Before I broke up with T.O., I never talked to him in front of you. Because I didn't need to. I know deep, down in my heart, that I am one sizzlin' hot, grade-A, pimptress. I don't need to throw it in your face. You, on the other hand, are apparently not so secure in you pimp skills. Are you looking for some sort of validation from me? Are you looking for me to tell you how jealous I am that there is a possiblity that you might, someday, go out with some girl, once she gets back into North America. Well, it's not going to work. I hate to have to break it to you like this - especially since you are so hot.
But, history has shown us that even the hottest of the hot can be complete and total idiots. Take T.O. for example. He's hot. And totally idiotic.
You, apparently, are cut from the same cloth as T.O. And just as it saddened me to have to kick T.O. to the curb, it saddens me to have to kick you to the curb, but I have to. Any man who comes into MY house to see ME must give me all of his attention. ALL OF IT!!! I'll accept nothing less. So, I guess you just don't make the cut.
Please stop crying. You're embarrassing me.
C'est la vie. You'll find someone else who isn't nearly as fabulous as me, but who will put up with your little shananigins. Who knows? She may be closer than you think. Maybe even as close as Brazil.
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