HOLY COW I CAN BLOG AT WORK!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVAR!!!!!

I don't know why and I don't how, but I can sign in to blogger now. Oh, yes! Hallelu! I don't even know what to say now because I'm so freaking happy. so. freaking. happy.

Okay, so how 'bout we spend some time catching up.

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm just a day over 19 or 21 or something like that. I'm so young, but so wise.

SOAPM and I are doing pretty well. We don't see each other that much because we're so busy. But, let's face it, it's probably saving our relationship. But please note: SOAPM is NOT my boyfriend. Yes, we're dating exclusively, but he is NOT my boyfriend, as such. Turns out I have a bit of a commitment phobia since Latest Ex-boyfriend turned out to be such a scoundrel. Thus, SOAPM is not my boyfriend.

Glad we got that out of the way.

On to other things:

My parents have completely lost their minds. My dad just resigned from the church he was preaching at and my mom sent me a box full of seven very strange gifts for my birthday. (example: Saturday was a singular pair of socks) At the top of the box, was an explaination of how I was to open the presents. There was one present for every day of "Kristenmas," she explained and went on to explain exactly what "Kristenmas" was. Now, keep in mind, that my mom is not clinically insane, but her explaination of "Kristenmas" was so detailed and so elaborate that I began to think that this work could only be the work of a madwoman. In venacular terms, "She crazy." Now, for those of you who don't know, my given name is included in the word, "Krsitenmas," but I'm not going tell you which part....you know....for security reasons. However, if you can't figure it out on your own, you're pretty stupid.

I'll be posting the entire explaination of Kristenmas before too long. Promise.

And finally, for my birthday, I bought myself some of the hottest boots this world has ever seen! These boots are so hot, I could dress myself in paper towels and as long as I had these boots on, I'd be smokin'! My life is now complete and I want for nothing. ...well....except for that Tiffany's bracelet....and those diamond earrings....and that other pair of shoes I saw in the mall last night...

Let's all hope that this workday posting will continue now until forever!!! What joy!!! I'm finally freed from the prison that is behaving in an ethical way at work!!!! Praise jebus.

Donde esta la Queen??

Sorry guys. I suck. Since I can't blog at work anymore, I sometimes lose the will to blog after having to deal with 5 year-olds. So, sorry. I have lots to say, too. But we're throwing all that to the wind today because:

Today's my Birthday!!!!

I'm 17. Or somewhere around there.

And my bestie, Forky, has written a HI-larious (although somewhat embarrassing) blog in honor of this sacred occasion. So, head on over to the 42 floor and let's all focus on ME!!!!

Holier Than Thou

That's right. I'm so much better than you, I basically have a ticket to heaven in my pocket right now.

"But how?" You may be wondering.

Well, you see, yesterday (Sunday) I went to my church. (It's kind of a liberal church.) I went to Sunday School for an hour (10 - 11), then Big Church, as it were, from 10 - 11:45. I didn't stay for the very end because at 11:45 I headed over to SOAPM's dad's church. I got there at 12:15pm. And this time I didn't sweat. (Probably a good sign.)

HOWEVER - church didn't end until 2 pm!!!!! Holy. Mother. Of perpetual sorrow.

Now, there weren't any snakes or anything like that, but let's just say, if any of these people decide to fill their bodies with any other spirit besides the Holy One, they'll be a BARRELL of monkeys! I think I'll try and spike the communion grape juice next time I'm there. Oh, man! That's gonna be some party!

So, in all, I spent about 4 continuous hours in church. Which means I'm pretty freakin' holy. I won't even talk about the interfaith Shabatt I went to Friday! But, if we count that, I spent about 6 hours of my weekend in holy places. I think this might elevate me to Sainthood. Somebody call the Vatican. I'm not Catholic - but I think they'll overlook it because I'm exceptionally holy. EXCEPTIONALLY!

Needless to say, SOAPM's dad's church isn't exactly my style, however, I'm not too worried about it. As long as they don't bring out the snakes, I think I'll be okay. Nuthin' better than that ol' time religion, right?

Winter Blues

It's so freakin' cold here, I kind of want to die. One of the main reasons I still live in Texas is we have Winters that are scoffed at by our Northern neighbors. When I was a wee lassie in South Texas, we didn't even have a winter! It'd get cold once or twice during the Winter months, but the rest of the time, it'd be about 60 degrees. So this North Texas weather is tough for me, but generally it's not too bad. But this Winter....this Winter...has been horrible. It started in November, and while it occasionally lets up, most of the time it's just horrid. And if anyone thinks I'm exaggerating, well...screw you!! Because, the thing of it is, I'm wallowing in self-pity and right now, I don't want to see the bright side, so don't point it out. Thanks.

Anywho - I just can't stand it. I think maybe I'll look into moving to Jamaica. This weather even depresses Taraji. All we want to do is lie around in our PJs and hope the cold, dark winter passes before too long.

In other news, SOAPM and I have booked OUR plane tickets for OUR spring break vacation...TOGETHER. Scary? A little. But, in the words of Bridget Jones, "This can't be just shagging. A mini-break means true love."

Damn you blogger!!!

You accidently erased my clever, clever entry. I hate you.

Score.

Man, I'm lucky. Remember how I was so worried about having to grow a pair and tell all the other guys I was dating before SOAPM that SOAPM and I are now dating exclusively? Remember how I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news and how I was hoping against hope that things would just work themselves out?? Remember??

Well, go me, because I was right to be yellow-bellied and to hold on to hope! They've all just sort of disappeared and I didn't even have to do anything! I rock. I knew I was right to just sit around and wait for the universe to show me a sign...uh...fix everything.

And SOAPM and I are moving in a slow, fowardly direction. So, we're good. And I even went to his dad's church again and sweated very little.

However, as it turns out, his ex-girlfriend also goes to his dad's church...and she's crazy.

Not kind of crazy, or even a little kooky, but unstable. "Please don't leave me or I'll kill myself" unstable. And....she was at church the last time I was there. Oh, yes.

Unfortunately, there was no confrontation. If there was though, I'm pretty sure that I would TOTALLY win...not that I've ever been in a cat fight before, but in my fantasies, I'm ruthless.

She did however, find several excuses to stare me up and down a few times. All I have to say is, my boobs are WAY bigger than hers. I win.

Also, I'm not crazy....at least not clinically.

I'M SOOOOO HAPPY!!!!

I just discovered my blog works at school now!!!! Ha, ha, school administrators!!! You've given me a reason not to work!! I couldn't be happier if you raised my salary!
....well, let me think about that....

So, I'm back! And I'm typing when I should be paying attention to 1st graders, but WHO CARES?!!! I can blog again. Everyday! Maybe even twice a day! What joy is mine.

But on to other things: I was truly concerned in my last post about hurting hundreds of boys' feelings by telling them I am now dating SOAPM exclusively. However, I held fast to hope that it would all work itself out. Indeed, I wished that all the "extra" men in my life would just sort of "disappear," so I wouldn't have to grow a pair and tell them - all 500 of them - that they were all the losers and could only hope for a life of pain and misery after not being able to "hold me down," as it were.

And, I really was concerned. Really.

Do you want to know what happened?? Do you?

I found out SOAPM is married.

JUST KIDDING!!! He's not.

What really happened is, it all worked itself out! I didn't have to do anything! At all! I'm so awesome.

Hottest Guy tried to get me over to his house for a booty call and was slapped down with quick rejection. He hasn't called back. And usually, telling a guy you won't have sex with him is a sure-fire way to get him to never call you back.

The other guy I was dating kept not calling me back and then would try to blame his wrongdoing on me. The first few times, I was fooled by his shenanigans, and I'd let him take me out to dinner, so we could "work things out." At dinner I would say, "Other guy, I feel like you just want to get in my pants."

"Oh, no!! Not that at all! I really like you for you, but I am sexually attracted to you, is that so wrong?"

"Well, no I guess not," I'd say as I was devouring my Chicken Parmesean and gulping my Cosmopolitan.

"Let's go back to my place," he'd suggest.

"Okay," my tipsy mouth would reply. Everytime this happened, I intended to leave his place after 15 minutes, but somehow was persuaded to stay longer. He would then proceed to try and get in my pants. Finally, I figured out his game and stopped returning his calls. He also hasn't called back.

What joy! I didn't actually have to do anything and my whole dating life is in order!!

See?! SEE?!! Hold on to hope, above all else, and you, too can experience order without effort!

I mean, that's what I do.

What to do...what to do...

Soooo.....
I haven't exactly told every guy I was dating before SOAPM that I'm not dating them anymore....

I thought that maybe they would just sort of disappear, but so far, I haven't had a lot of luck with that. One guy that I went out with a LONG time ago (May) is suddenly blowing up my phone. Another guy, who is a bit more current, is finding it difficult to catch the hint (even though I think I'm laying it on thickly).

Aside: (Incidently, Hottest Guy hasn't been calling lately as he claims that one of those guys that got stuck on that mountain in Oregan was his "really good friend," and the grief apparently is making it difficult to pick up the phone. That and I think he was hoping to get "some" because he was sad, however, he found out the hard way I don't answer booty calls...even if your "really good friend" is tragically buried under 10 feet of snow.)

You see, the problem is that I've never had to break up with a guy unless he was a total f*ckwit, and none of these guys (now, of course, excluding Hottest Guy) are aforementioned. They may not be terribly interesting or intelligent, but they're certainly not total losers! And how crappy is it to be dating someone only to find out said someone likes another more than you?

It means you lose.

While I may have Miss Havershim tendencies at times, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news!

*sigh*

I'm going to have to grow a pair and tell the truth. Yuck. I'd much rather pussyfoot around this issue until it went away.

But maybe, just maybe, it will go away on its own! Maybe I won't have to say anything or hurt anyone's feelings and it will all just go away!

And I may be kind of a wimp for wishing for the mess I've made to clean itself up, but if there's one thing I've learned in this crazy life, it is: one must - above all else - hold on to hope.

That's what I plan to do.

Good plan, me.

ummm....i don't really know how to say this....

hmm...well...i guess i should come right out with it...

SOAPM and I might be dating exclusively....

(everytime I say that I feel a little panicky) I think this means that I'll probably have to go back to his dad's church. Next time I'll bring a pretty big fan in hopes to prevent the sweating.

So, you know what this means, right??? No more Hottest Guy and no more of the rest of them.

NO MORE!! It also means my dating life will be pretty boring and probably kind of sickening. So, I won't really be talking about it much....ummm....uh....unless SOAPM decides to do something totally boneheaded and retarded, in which case, you will ALL be hearing about it! At great length.

In other news, I spent New Year's Eve on a crappy South Texas Beach. It was cold and windy. And there was a knife fight between two men who were fat and clearly intoxicated. Also, some trashy women showed up to try and break it up by yelling, "God d*mmit, Marcus!! Get up! God d*mmit!"

It was pretty dang exciting.