Classic Make-Out Bandit Move #128: The Double Header

Back in the golden age of my make-out banditism, I had some classic moves. One was the Double Header (#128), which included two "dates" in one night. (I say "dates" because they weren't really dates as we didn't really go anywhere, we just "hung out". And by "hung out," I don't mean that we sat around and watched chick flicks....I'm sure you follow my meaning.) These "dates" included a standard make-out session...and if they included anything more, conveniently, I don't remember.

Now, I haven't pulled a double header in a while, nor have I needed to. However, we all know that I've been lookin' to start a little trouble. And naturally, with little effort, I found it.

Thus, this weekend:
I'm walking my dog, minding my own business, when my phone rings. (My ring tone, by the way is the Rocky theme played on the Pianica by my little brother. Let this underscore the following scene.) It's my around the corner neighbor. We'll call him "Treyford."

Me: Hello?

Treyford: Uh. Yeah. What's up?

Me: Nuthin'

Treyford: You at home?

Me: Yeah.

Treyford: What, you about to go somewhere?

Me: No. What's up?

Treyford: I need to talk to you.

Me: (Oh holy jebus. What could he possibly have to say to me?) Well, okay. What do you need to talk to me about?

Treyford: I just need to talk to you. Could you come over?

Me: (hesitatingly) oh...okay, sure. Is everything okay?

Treyford: I just need to talk to you.

Me: Okay, I'll be over in a second.

We hang up. I start to put on a sweatshirt to go over there and my phone rings again. (Still the Rocky theme)

Me: Hello?

Treyford: Listen, I know you're busy, so you don't have to come down here.

Me: No, I'm not really that busy and I was just about to walk out the door.

Treyford: Well, it's cold outside, so I don't want for you to have to walk all the way over here.

Me: It's 60 degrees outside and you live around the corner!

Treyford: I just need to tell you something, so just let me get this off my chest.

Me: (Oh, Lord. Here it comes.) Sure. I'm listening.

Treyford: Ever since I first saw you, I thought you were a beautiful woman. And I know that you've been goin' through some things, so I'm trying to give you your space, but I just...I just think that we would be good together and...it's like you won't even try. I'd really like for you to just give us a chance and you don't have to say anything now, but will you at least think about it?

(I should probably interject here that I made out with Treyford shortly after my horrible break up with latest ex-boyfriend...and actually... we made out more than once...)

Me: (Find a way to let him down easy, Queen. Don't panic. Breathe. Don't forget to breathe.) Well, Treyford, I honestly didn't know that it was that crucial for you. Had I known....but, I mean, well, I can tell you now that I wouldn't mind dating you, but I just couldn't date you exclusively right now, because well...I'm just not ready...and honestly I thought that you've just been trying to get in my pants!

Treyford: I really want to date you exclusively, but look - just think about it, okay and call me later.

Me: (I guess he's not going to take no for an answer.) Sure.

That came from absolutely nowhere. NOWHERE!!! I mean, sure, we've been to the movies once and hung out a few times, but never had there been any discussion of "exclusive" dating. Anywho - after we hung up, I just sort of let it go and figured I'd call him the next day and evade the whole situation by rambling on and on about my dog until he was forced to hang up.

Then, the cute, but very tiny medical student from upstairs called me. Let's call him "Aladdin." (Aladdin is about 5' 2". No joke.) Aladdin and I have been friendly with one another for about a year. Sometimes we hang out, but not too often. Lately, we've hung out more frenquently than we ever have. Which is cool with me because he seems like a pretty nice guy and one time he helped me get a splinter out of my finger. (He's going to be a surgeon.)

So, Aladdin calls me and we're hanging out and drinking a little, but then a friend calls him and reminds him about a birthday party of a good friend he was supposed to go to. He has to leave but says he'll call me when he gets back. He leaves. I go home. I continue drinking. By myself.

Treyford calls me: "Please come over." I'm drunk. I say, "Okay."

I'm sure you're all clueless as to what happens next. Wait for it.....let the suspense build....it's a mystery....what could have possibly happened next????

I made out with Treyford. Oops. Tee hee.

He wanted me to spend the night.... even in my drunken state I realized that was a foolish idea. I leave.

Aladdin calls me: "Hey, come back up and let's hang out." I'm drunk. I say, "Okay."

Are any of you starting to see where this is leading?

Aladdin and I are hanging out, having a pretty good time, but I notice Aladdin's demeanor is changed.... but what's different??

"So, Queen," Aladdin begins, "what are my chances with you? Can you break it down into percentages for me?"

Oh. That's what's different. Hmm. I didn't see that one coming.

"Well, you seem like a pretty nice guy, so you get an automatic 15% for that. You're pretty cute, so that's at least 10%.... you're a medical student... and I'm a hypochondriac, so for me that's a full 25% ... I know your last name and you're not married.... oh and I like you, so, add the 5, carry the one, ummm...that's right at 75%! That's a lot better than what most guys start at!!" And I was actually being serious. Even though I was drunk.

Well, that's when the trouble started. I tried to leave shortly after I declared his 75% chance, but he wasn't going to let that happen. Did I mention I was drunk?

Well, long story short, I also made out with Aladdin, the cute, but tiny, medical student that lives upstairs. A true double header. I'd like to say it was my first double header, but alas! it most certainly was not.

NOW, I have to deal with fact that I've made out with two guys who live awfully close by. Thusly, I have to now avoid two guys who live awfully close by. This is not going to be an easy task. I'll probably have to lie, evade, and do all the usual things I do once the make-out bandit has gone and made a huge mess of things.

Maybe I really should start wearing a mask.