In Response to my Childish Behavior

So, many of my fans (all two of them) have been wondering where I've gone. So, here it is, the bold, naked truth: I got fired. Well, kind of. The real truth is I got laid-off, but since those words were never used in my firing meeting, I won't misrepresent what went down. You ask, "So what was it that finally got you fired? Your two hour lunches, your lack of work, your negative attitude?" No! It was none of those! The reason I was given for my employers letting me go was that "we're not on the same wavelength." Bizarre. I felt like I was being dumped. But in true Queen fashion, I wasn't gonna go down without out a fight. I brought up the fact that the work I WAS given - I did efficiently. I also reminded them of how I asked for work nearly everyday and let EVERYONE know of my light work load - and nothing was done. "Oh, well, you know, the insurance comanies have been really selective with the work that they give out." Whatev. What's really happening is they're about to go out of business and I'm low man on the totem pole, so I get booted first. But, you see, no one will admit that at an evil law firm.
The good news is that I have a new job and teaching elementary art! Score! What fun! I start in January. In the meantime, though, I have to work a craptasitc retail job - it's better than waiting tables.
I'll try to keep my blog updated because I love you all, so, so, so a lot...all two of you.

Childish behavior

I'm sure we all know that many children who need attention will do whatever it takes to get it - even if it's negative. This is especially true of those who have tried to get positive attention and haven't gotten it. Desperate, they resort to all manner of things just to be noticed.

"How does she know all of this?" you may ask. Well, it is because it is what I'm currently doing right now at my job. No one notices me - which is hard for an attention-whore like me, so I've been resorting to not-so-ethical behavior to a) cope with the boredome and b) to try and get someone to notice me.

It's not working. You wouldn't believe the kinds of things I do that no one says anything about!! Often I take lunches that are OVER an hour. I won't confess how long, but it could be shocking. I've read almost every story on the crime library website. I'm seldomly exactly on time to work...I won't say how NOT exactly. And I don't do very much. To my defense however, there isn't much to do.

No one ever says anything to me - ever. It's phenomenal! It's like I have lepresy. They don't say anything because they just don't want to have to look at my disgusting disease. They just avoid me altogether, even if I am ill-behaved.

So, I'm gonna keep on keepin' on! Maybe someday they'll notice me, maybe they won't. Who knows? Maybe someday I'll get an agent.

Anna Nicole: white trash or legal mastermind?

Let's face it. There's something strangely alluring about Anna Nicole Smith, but at the same time, there's also something completely revolting about her.

She has the potential, as we've all seen, to be a classic beauty, even with the fake boobs. But, thanks to her reality show, we know that when she opens her mouth, she makes us all want to throw things at her! How is it possible that someone who is this beautiful in pictures is so completely disgusting in real life?! Or...is it all a cleverly planned game to assure a ridiculous fortune she feels she deserves because she married a 90-year-old billionaire?

I watched a whole special on it last night. I don't think that Anna is as nearly clueless as she appears to be. By watching her, you'd swear she was crazy, but as the reporter said last night, maybe she's just "crazy like a fox." And there is something admirable in her ability to remain in the spotlight. Maybe she's a credit to small-town Texas girls. I mean, sure she was a stripper and possibly a gold digger, but she sure is resourceful!

Anna Nicole's case against her late billionaire husband's children will be heard before the Federal Supreme Court. Crazy, huh? Who knows, maybe she'll get something when it's all said and done. She should get a little something, I think. She deserves it! Sure, she probably was motiviated to love him because of his billions of dollars, but it's not like he didn't get anything from it...if you know what I mean. I wouldn't do it. Not even for a billion dollars. So, maybe instead of judging ol' Anna, we should be raising our glasses. She saw an opportunity and she took it. It got her out of the strip club and kept clothes on her son's back. She's not noble or anything like that, but she is a survivor. And there is something admirable (even just a little) about those who go down swingin'.

Blah de blah, blah, blah

So, last night I went to a friend's play. He was great in it! But the play...left much to be desired.

I don't understand how the writers of post-modern crap are making ANY money, but they do. People buy their stuff because they think it's experimental and good. But, it's crap. Pure crap. I'm all for being silly and sometimes not making any sense, but I would never write the nonsense of my life down on paper, then add some crazy mess like squids and plastic owls and blind milk maids and try and pass it off as literature! It's sinful what the post-modernists are doing to this art we call theatre.

First of all, the general populous finds theatre unappealing when compared to movies and instead of doing anything about our dying art, we write a bunch of crap that no one can understand and only crazy people like! This is doing nothing for the advancement of theatre. We have it within our power to bring art to the common people, but we choose to make it too hard for anyone to understand, thereby alienating over 50% of our population. THEN, as if that isn't enough, we're snotty about how "the stupid people" just don't understand our complex art. Twidlywinks!! We could make our art accessible, but we don't. We could write about universal truths that speak to all men, but we don't (at least not always). And we wonder why substanceless musicals are so popular...it's because they're turning into the only kind of theatre that's accessible and entertaining!

When did the theatre become such an elitest club? We have a history of being gypsies and pirates, sailors and whores. Why are we trying to act like we all belong in the governer's mansion? I'm sick of it! I just want to be entertained.

Why Terrell Owens Should Play for MY Team

Okay, okay...we all know how I love the black man. That's no secret. So, I'm a checkerboard chick, what can I say? It's not a crime, you know.

I'm also a fan of football...players. Don't get me wrong - I like the game a lot, too. What isn't appealing about big, muscular men in tight, translucent pants, hitting each other and showing off their brute strength? Also, much like the Romans, I enjoy violence. Not bloody gore - I'm not that bad - but all the same, I do enjoy controlled violence for entertainment purposes. Especially when I'm not directly involved. Sooooo, I like football. I'm an especial fan of the T.O....Terrell Owens that is. I don't know exactly what position he plays, but I know that he's good and has a very attractive outer shell. But, he's an idiot. And a trouble maker.

The thing is, he's no spring chicken, so the NFL knows that he's a loudmouthed trouble-maker. It's common knowledge. He's conceited and obnoxious. But he's good. 100 career touchdowns good.

It seems to me that, no franchise could hire him and expect him to change. His behaviour is much like that of a preschooler. And what did we learn in our psychology classes about childish behavior? It's usually done to get attention, so sometimes, if you ignore it, it goes away. But every time T.O. does something idiotic, EVERYONE gets their panties in a wad and T.O. gets exactly what he wants, and his behaviour gets worse.

This is my solution to the problem: ignore him. Remember the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle solution for the kid who couldn't stop showing off? She gave him invisible powder that caused him to become invisible every time he started showing off. It worked. And it can work for T.O., too.

Isn't obvious that I should be called in to solve the problem that is T.O.? I can't believe they haven't called me yet. Maybe I should call him...does anyone know his number?

Here's the latest of the saga.

Black Dot

I head to the bathroom this morning and notice, whilst looking in the mirror, that there is a black dot on my forehead. Somehow, without noticing, I wrote all over my forehead with my pen! How is that even possible?


But, away from the point, my office could be the most unfriendliest, unfun office in all the world - with the exception of maybe the offices in Asia. I hear they're not too fun. BUT - the receptionist doesn't even say good morning!! What kind of receptionist doesn't say good moring--even if you make eye contact?

Not our receptionist.

When you walk in, no one says anything to you. I suspect that I could walk in naked, and there would be no response from anyone.

The lawyers get here whenever they want, go to their offices and shut the doors. No one speaks. All day. Even though there are 5 of us basically in the same room.

When someone does speak it's always about something political (usually how they hate Bush) or how someone hates the Dallas Cowboys, or loves the Dallas Cowboys. Whatever. If it were up to me, I'd love the whole NFL! But, no one ever asks me.

What if I was dying?! No one here would care. Chances are, I probably am dying. I could probably die at my desk and be dead all day, and no one would notice.

These people are lovely, charming, gracious people. Just the kind of people you want to spend 8 hours a day with!

So, in the anti-spirit of my office: Have a nice day!!

Etc., etc., etc.

So, Nightshift, the marginal soft-rock hit, is the all time best soft-rock hit of all time. Who knew? We do now.



Here's my beef today:
What the hell is up with the French?!! How is it possible that hundreds of cars are being set on fire every night and no one can do anything about it? Also, who sets cars on fire as a way of protest. That's the stupidest way to get someone to listen to you I can think of. "Hey, I feel like you aren't taking my needs seriously, so I'm going to set your car on fire." That just pisses people off.

Snotty French Official
Apparantly, however, the French have been drinking too much wine to care. "As long as zey don't burn zee Ei-fel Tower, vee don't care."

The whole country is about to combust. It's too bad, really. Where will we get our champange?



what the
french police are really doing

How am I going to survive?

Sooooo...Arrested Development is cancelled. My all-time favorite show of all time is cancelled. After learning of this gut-wrenching tragedy, I said "I wish I had a lot of money and owned a TV network, because I'd buy the show." Then I went and called others I knew also loved the show to break the news. My BFF said the same thing I did. If only I had millions of dollars...

I'm beside myself. This is worse than having no money. This is worse than migraines - even though I've only had one. I feel so, so lost and cold and alone. What will we do without Arrested Development? They've become my imaginary friends and family!

So do any of you have any suggestions? Should I throw my body into the puddle of mud called the Trinity? Should I become an advocate for intelligent television, dedicating my entire life to the cause of brilliant sit-com writing? Please tell me, I'm waning quickly.

Police photo of me this weekend

So, why am I not hurling my body into the Trinity?

That's a very good question.
Some would say, "Queen, it is because you still have all your appendeges!" Does my heart count as an appendage? Because I'm pretty sure it's been ripped out of my chest. "That's silly," one might exclaim. "No one's ripped your heart out!" The world has.

How, you ask? By making me grow up. "But you're already grown up! You're 25." Ha! That means nothing to me! No one told me that being a grown up would suck so much. I mean, of course I enjoy the freedom, but the bills! Ay yai yai! They make me crazy!

And who's idea was it to give me a credit card?!! That was a really bad idea! Probably the same people who thought I should have driver's license. Idiots.

By the way, I got another speeding ticket this weekend. I think that makes about 9 or 10 for me. Who knows? One loses count after 5.

The race so far

Unlike yesterday's election, this race will be a whole lot simpler! (Thank Ba'al.) Anyway - here's where we stand - so far:

"You've Got a Friend" - 4
"Take it Easy" - 4
"Don't Stop Believin'" - 7
"Superstar" - 4
"I Would Do Anything for Love" - 3
"More than Words" - 5
"Walking in Memphis" - 4
"Sweet Caroline" - 6
"Nightshift" - 8

So, our marginal soft-rock hit is in the lead. A-dub, you're right, it is marginal, but in the spirit of Thanksgiving-hatred and Affirmative Action, we have to include it...if for nothing more than to make a statement...of some kind. Also, whatever is played on the soft-rock hits station can be considered soft-rock, so for whatever reason, the radio stations say that some R&B is soft rock. I'm not sure about the critera for soft-rock, and I'm not sure that our darker friends appreciate that - but I'm going to embrace it. Much like I embrace my interracial relationship.

Keep on voting!!!! It's your American duty!

Our quest for the greatest soft rock hit continues!

Soft rock can really get you "in the mood".

Due to the overwhelming response (I knew I wasn't the only one), I've decided to put a little more order in this process. I'm closing the opportunity to nominate at midnight tonight, then we'll work with what we've got, casting as many votes as you want for whatever song you want. We'll take a final tally on Friday!! Yea!!! Soon we'll know for sure! It brings me such peace of mind. Here are the results so far:

"More Than Words" (Extereme) - 1
"You've Got a Friend" (James Taylor) - 1
"Homeward Bound" (Simon and Gar.) - 1
"Take it Easy" (Eagles) - 1
"Sweet Caroline" (Neil Diamond) - 1
"Don't Stop Believin'"(Journey) - 1
"Fire and Rain" (James Taylor) - 1
"Superstar" (Carpenters) - 1
"All Out of Love" (Air Supply) - 1
" I Would Do Anything for Love" (Meatloaf) - 2

"Mrs. Robinson" (Simon and Gar.) - 1
"Nightshift" (Commodores) - 1
"Have a Little Faith in Me" (Joe Cocker) - 1
"Walking in Memphis" (Mark Cohn) - 1
"Turn Around" (Bonnie Tyler) - 1

Mark Cohn, ladies and gentlemen. Who knew he was so...umm...handsome...

So many soft rock hits, so little time

So, here's my deep, dark secret: I LOVE soft rock hits. LOVE THEM. It's almost an obsession. The mushier the song, the more I love it! But, I sense that I'm not alone. Why don't you tell me your favorite soft rock hit. Don't front! We all have one! Then in the spirit of Forky, we'll vote and finally find the best soft rock hit ever in the history of the world! (or at least among the voters) Need help remembering? Check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soft_rock

Here's me when I get home from a long day's work. 

how i feel today

Why anybody cares, I know not. But, I was forced to make a blog - against my will - because the blog I wanted to post a comment on was "blogger only". The nerve! I'm still a little doped on the Imitrex I took last night to rid myself of my very first migrain. I was sure that my head was going to explode and they were going to find my lifeless, beautiful, tragic body strewn on the bathroom floor, so I made sure not to lock the top lock.