All Holy Sacred Week

Every year, my family and my best friend's family rent a cabin together on the Frio River. It's tradition and it's so, so, so much fun! I stay in my bathing suit all day, and then get in my pj's at night and make s'mores. It's indulgent, it's chaotic, and wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. This year, there will be four dogs, two children, one infant, two sets of parents, two married couples, me and my grandfather. Talk about chaos!!! And this year, we're having about 5 less people!!! If you thought I was crazy, just wait till you meet my family! And they don't even drink!! (I don't even want to think about what would happen if they did.) My brother's not coming this year, which is too bad, because he's the most fun. He's in Montreal. Traitor.

This week is the all-holy sacred week of the year. You are allowed to miss Christmas and even Easter, but don't you dare think about missing the River, unless you have a damned good reason...and after this year, I don't think we'll be accepting, "I'm out of the country studying architechture" as an excuse anymore. I'll be completely incomunicado (that's probably not how you spell it) as we're in the middle of nowhere. If you want to find out more, just google it! Otherwise, when you think of me, just know that I'm here:
wishing you were all there, too. Adding to the chaos.

I'm ooozing pharamones

So, apparently, if I were a piece of meat, I'd be the cut that all the guys want to eat. I can only attribute it to an unreasonable amout of pharamones. I'm not the most attractive girl on the planet. I'm not the thinnest, or the smartest, or the richest, or the classiest. So, I must give off some kind of scent that makes men think I want to have sex with them. Either that, or I look like I'm easy. (OMG! Do I look like a slut?!) There was a time in my life when I would have thought that was really cool. Now, it just makes me violent.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!! I don't even want to hop into bed with T.O.! I'm serious!

Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, dating, where a guy just leaves you at the door, and doesn't try to get into your pants or your bed? I enjoy sleeping alone. I like my space. And whilst, I probably don't mind a well-timed make-out session, nothing makes a girl feel more disgusting than a guy who tries to weasel his way into her pants and then doesn't call her the next day. When does cheap, meaningless sex get old for you men?! Well, as I've said before, I'm sick of it. Maybe I should date a missionary... do they date?

Equal Opportunity Woman

I was talking to my BFF yesterday and we were laughing about my make-out bandit days. The days when I would consistently have random make-out sessions with guys I didn't even know...or as I like to call them, the golden years. During this time, I really didn't feel the need to be in a committed relationship, and my life was a lot more fun. A LOT more fun. I'm still not really sure why I thought being in a committed relationship was a good idea, but I've now learned my lesson...the hard way.

Anyway, that's not the point. So, BFF and I were talking about the golden years and we realized that I had made out with at least one person from every race on the planet - except Asian. We debated a little on whether or not Middle-Eastern/Indian was a race, but since I've made out with a man of Middle-Eastern descent, it really doesn't matter.

So, what I've realized is: I'm an Equal Opportunity Woman. Martin Luther King, Jr. would be so proud. I do not discriminate based on race, creed, religion, or color! Sometimes, looks isn't even a factor!! I'm proud that I'm using my God-given gifts to bring about peace and unity! I can't believe I believed my youth minister when he told me that making out wasn't a spiritual gift, when, quite clearly, it is!!

However, there is still one problem: I've never made out with an Asian - and not because I haven't wanted to, I've just never been asked out by one. But if you are Asian and you want to help me out, just let me know!

Just know that I'm an Equal Opportunity Woman. There will be no discrimination in my caual dating or make-out practices. This is a promise! You can even get that in writing!

Okay. That's it!

Giving in to the gentle indiffernce of the world.

I'm fed up. Just sick of it. So, finally, after months of being in complete denial, I'm embracing it: my spinsterhood. The universe is against me. So, much like The Stranger, I'm just going to give in to the gentle indifference of the world. There's nothing left to do.

This is how it works for me: either the guys I go out with are complete emotional fuckwits, or I'm completely and totally repulsed by them, OR (and this is the real clincher) they'll be hot on my trail, I won't be that interested, and then because of their persistence, I'll think, "Well, maybe so and so isn't such a bad guy. Sure, let's date!" and the vagina runs the other way. This sucks. So, I give up. I give in. To the gentle indifference of the world. It's great.

But, the good news is, that whilst I may never, never, never, never, never know the joys of companionship, I'll be able to do lots of things that a girl in a commited relationship might find a little difficult.

I'll be able to wake up early to go run miles upon miles to train for that marathon I keep saying I'm going to run without being tired because no one will be trying to make sweet love to me! I'll be able to rent whatever movie I want! I'll be able to have random make-out sessions with guys I don't even know and won't have to worry about my boyfriend finding out! I'll be able to lust freely after T.O. without anybody saying stupid things like, "You don't even know T.O." or "T.O. has a girlfriend."! I'll be able to lie around in my underwear all day without anyone judging me! I'll be able to focus wholeheartedly on my career!

This is going to be great! Go me! I love spinsterhood! And let me just say thank you to all the emotional fuckwits, vaginas and repulsive idiots who got me to this place: without you, I'd be happy, contenteded, and completely unmotivated. Angry, bitchy, and driven is SO much better.

Oh, yeah! I'm American.

God bless America. I mean that. It's a great place. Sure, everybody hates us and we're fat and obnoxious and our economy is declining, blah, blah, blah, but very few of us DON'T use deodorant. And that's what makes a great. We smell good. Delicious, even, when compared to some. Body odor here in the US is frowned upon. Not so in French-Canada. Oh, no! There were smells that slapped me in the face whilst walking down the street. Not even in New York City have I ever, ever smelled such offensive and disgusting odors! And really, we all know that's saying somethin'! There was one incident, in which we were walking down the street, and with every step, the odor became increasingly more horrendous. I think my brother might have thrown up in his mouth. I just laughed hysterically.

You see, that's what I do when things get unbearably disgusting. I laugh. Hysterically. For a long time. Then I get weak in the knees and am rendered useless for at least two hours. I always, ALWAYS laugh at fart jokes. Guess which part I laughed the hardest at in dumb and dumber? You guessed it! That horrible, laxitive, massivie farting scene. It's true. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

So you can imagine, the amount of laughter and thereby energy I expended while walking the streets of Montreal. I'm still recovering.

Bon Soir

Im in Montreal livin' la vida loca. But, la vida loca has limited internet access. Who knew? Will post pics when I'm American again.

Oh, yeah....

I forgot to tell you all that I let Italian ex-boyfriend wash my car. But that was it, I swear!

I'm baaa-aaack.

I'm back in Ada. That's right. Back in Ada, Oklahoma. Okla-freakin-homa. The weather actually is really nice here. But, it's 1:30 in the morning and I've been working non-stop since 8:00 am. Welcome to low-budget film making! I guess it's payback for all the time I've spent on the couch. I'll send pictures soon! I know you're all dying to know just what Ada is ALL about. I'm gonna give it to you. Get ready.

It's painful

Because he's just too cute.
Here's pictures of my baby Taraji when he was only 6 weeks old. If they don't make you hurt a little bit inside, then you probaby just don't have a heart.

See what I mean?

Tired of It

Are there no good men in the world?! Are they all either gay or married by now? Should I rob the cradle, finally give in to my next door neighbor who has been pursuing me ever since the last break-up, let my Italian ex-boyfriend really "wax my car", or maybe just become a lesbian?! I am so, so sick of it.

I mean, let's just be honest. All the guys I've ever dated didn't deserve me, because I'm hot and practically a genius. I'm good with power tools, and I love to watch sports. Also, I'm stacked. Do they really think something better is in store for them?! However, all the guys I've ever dated have treated me like they were God's gift...apparently to me. Ha! And I'm sick of it. Just sick. Sick and tired of love. Sick. Sick. Sick.

I give up. I'm tired of it. I'm just going to give in to my one true love: TV....and maybe T.O. At least I'd know up front that he was an ass. I think that would give me great peace of mind.

So, T.O. it is. T.O. and TV. Awesome. What could be better? Nothing could be more perfect. I'm excited about it. Go me.

Where the He11 Have I Been?

The answer to this question is two-fold:
1. In computer hell
2. At my parent's house

Why? I'll answer in sequential order.

1. I've been in computer hell because my computer is having a mysterious problem that no one can solve and that might eventually cause me to have to call one of those trouble shooting places that make everyone want to die. This has caused me to completely ignore my computer because I am disgusted with it. Technology is like an abusive boyfriend, however. No matter how much he beats me, cusses at me, and treats me like crap, I keep going back. So, here I am!! Hating myself even as I type this... I should probably seek counseling.

2. I am going on a couple of trips in the next few weeks and I need a safe, caring place for my precious, precious, wonderful, sweet, loving dog to stay. As some of you may know, my shrewed mother has been trying to get her hands on him ever since I birthed him...uh...I mean bought him. So, because they're free room and board, I gave in. But, I thought I'd get in a little visit whilst I was down south. It was fun! We went to the beach, I slept in (not that that's any different, but it was fun nonetheless), I hung out with my BFF, Taraji hung out with his BFF (my BFF's dog), I went to see Nacho Libre TWICE because OMG! Jack Black is the most hilarious guy ever and Nacho Libre makes me hurt inside it is so funny, I complained about how humid it was and in the same breath talked about how I like my hair when it looks like Diana Ross', and generally farted around and ate my parent's food.

If I can work up the energy and work through the general disdain I currently have for technology, I will post some pictures/video of my awesome, most fantastic adventures in South Texas. I know you'll all be holding your breath.

Television is Rotting My Brain

It's happening. I can feel my brain turning to mush. I watch so much TV, you'd think I'd have cable, but I don't. I've figured out a way to watch TV practically ALL day and be competely interested without forking over any money for cable. It's my way of stickin' it to the man since he took away my bootleg.

The flip-side of watching re-runs for a goodly portion of the day is theat it turns your brain into complete crap. It's difficult for me to just write an email!

All I would have to do is turn off the TV, but it is so, so hard! Maybe tomorrow I can just turn...it...off....

I may be about to go into a TV-induced coma. Save Queeniii! (from herself)

Drunk as a Skunk

I got drunk last night and threw up. It was miserable.
Fortunately, I don't have to work, so I'll be spending the rest of the day recovering.

High As a Kite

So, I've had this horrible headache the past couple of days. I attributed it to allergies, so I took a Zyrtec at 1:30 in the morning. I planned to get up at 9 am. I'd get plenty of sleep and what a day I had planned!!! I was so excited about it! I was going to get things done! Whoo hoo.

My alarm went off at 9 am. I found that I couldn't move. Really, really couldn't move. I thought maybe I just needed 10 more minutes of sleep. I hit snooze. My alarm goes off 10 minutes later. I find that I can't move. I think that maybe I just need 10 more minutes of sleep. I hit snooze. My alarm goes off 10 minutes later. I find that I can't move. I think that maybe I just need 10 more minutes of sleep. I hit snooze.

This continues for about an hour. I hit snooze one last time, but the alarm never went off again. Apparently, the snooze button runs out of energy. Damn, you, snooze button.

Anyway, I ended up sleeping until 11:30. I finally woke up and realized that I was as high as I had ever been. So high. Higher than that time...uh...I mean...what?...I've never inhaled anything illegal...

Folks, Zyrtec is the strongest drug I've ever taken - hands down! Forget the Ruffies, date-rapists, slip him/her a Zyrtec! They're much easier to get and you can claim you were just trying to help him/her with their allergies.

I had to stumble around for about an hour before I was ready to do anything! At least I caught one episode of A Different World. Because it's a different world from where you come from. Yes, it is now.

Ada

Where have I been? Ada, Oklahoma. And the guy who said that Oklahoma is OK! was exactly right. It's OK. just ok. nothing really more than ok. just ok.

Why did I go? I'm working on a film project for the Chickasaw Indians. How did I fall into this project? Let's just say acting a bit like Belle Poitrine wasn't completely unproductive. That's all I'm going to say.

No it isn't. Let me take this moment to say what a complete waste of time meetings are. I had to go to about 3 or 4 meetings whilst in Ada, and they were all worthless. We didn't decide anything, but sure did waste a lot of time. It was awesome. But, I guess I shouldn't complain because I didn't have anything else to do.

Here's something you should know about Ada, Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain: there are no sidewalks or crosswalk signs. Apparently it's against the law to walk around town. I almost got arrested for solicitation. Imagine that.

You Can't Even Be Serious

*sigh* *sigh* *heavy sigh*

please. say. it. isn't. so.

My love, T.O., has a middle name...and it's not Danger.

At first, I didn't believe it. There's just no way. It must be a joke - a cruel, cruel joke. I mean, people are always trying to get me to denounce my love for T.O., and I thought that this was just another way to try and make me say something I don't mean.

It is far more tragic than that, however.

T.O.'s middle name is...oh! this is going to hurt...his middle name is...really and truly - no lies - is Eldorado.

ELDORADO!!!!!!!!

I want to die. How can I ever be with a man who's named after a car?!

I'm going to have to go and reevaluate.

It's almost too much

He's just too cute. My dog is painfully adorable! I realize that this is shameless, but please don't hate me for making you look at pictures of the love of my life!

Sometimes, it's just too much...I'm seriously considering becoming a stage mother.

I Have Found the Secret to Happiness

It's called Summer Vacation.

What joy is mine!! Last night I went to the pool at midnight. It was awe inspiring. There was no one there and I seriously considered taking off my insignificant bathing suit, but eventually decided it was too risky. But, oh! What fun!

I can sleep as long as I want, watch A Different World twice a day, and go swimming at midnight. What could be better?

I recommend everyone take a summer vacation! It's the best! Just make sure you're getting paid for it.

In other news, my whole family is in Canada, but they didn't invite me. Something about how if I wanted to travel the world I should have gone to a state school or some ridiculous nonsense like that! If I DID go to a state school, how could I possibly justify hanging my diploma in the ridiculously gaudy frame it stays in currently?! Do you even get diplomas at state schools?! Anyway - whatev. I don't need 'em. Go to Canada, family! Go! I DON'T CARE! And when, one day, I'm famous and all the Canadians love me because I endorse the Bare Naked Ladies, I'll make sure to get them to DIS-invite you to their country. Unfortunately, you probably won't be missing much, but at least VENGANCE WILL HAVE BEEN SERVED!!!!!!!!!! bwa. ha. ha.

Tuesday is close to Monday...right?

Okay, I know that I said that my daily schedule would be posted by Monday, but see, I forgot that Monday was a holiday...and I know what you're thinking: "Queeniii, EVERY day is a holiday for you right now!!"

That's true, but it WAS a holiday for all my friends who work all the time, so I had to hang out with them. HAD to.

But anyway - I've compiled a daily schedule and it should be pretty good, and I know all of you can rest assured that I'm not just sitting around in my pajamas, watching TV, not doing anything, building up resentment between us because I'm at home all day and I CAN'T EVEN DO THE LAUNDRY?!!

So, here goes:

1. Wake-up before noon
2. do some sort of workout, so I don't balloon up to 400 pounds
3. eat some breakfast - but not too much
4. play with my dog while also teaching him to be obedient
5. write on the blog
6. brush up on my espanol
7. read some stuff
8. write curriculm for next year
9. clean up after myself
10. and finally, do something exciting and adventerous

every day.

So, what do you think? Awesome or what? I should also schedule some time for Summer Lovin'....anyone got T.O.'s number?

I don't care what anybody says, I love him.

What I'm Doing Now

Nothing. I'm not doing anything. It's almost 2:30 pm and I haven't even managed to get out of my pajamas. I'm disgusting.

Something will have to change. I'm going to have to DO something...and whilst watching KERA IS in fact educational, I don't think that it acutally counts as doing anything.

I need to wash my hair...and my face. At least I've brushed my teeth! That's a start. If I had some money, I could do LOTS of stuff. I don't, however, so I'll have to be creative.

What to do...what to do....

I've already saying the phrases Paul M. Sark suggested for me practice. I'm pretty good at saying them, too! You shold hear me!!!

Anyway, I think that in about 30 minutes, I'll start to work up the motivation to WRITE DOWN some ideas of what I could do with all my free time. My commitment to my faithful readers is that I WILL HAVE MY DAILY SCHEDULE POSTED BY MONDAY!! This way, you can all rest easy that I'm not just wasting my life away while you all have to go to work every day.

I wouldn't want there to be any resentment between us!

Did I mention that I get paid to do nothing for 2 months and 2 weeks?